Monday, May 18, 2009

When Did The 69 Become the 96?

Every time I crack open my Kama Sutra book I wonder how many more advanced yoga classes it will take before I can attempt some of those positions. It's like sex for the boneless, the hipless, or for someone who can hold their legs behind their head while giving a satisfying blowjob and polishing themselves off on the side. It just can't be done. How in the world is someone suppose to enjoy themselves while doing The Pair of Tongs? It would only take one or two thrusts for me to lose my balance, my arm will grow tired, thus making me fall and give TH a kink in his package.

Do you see the look on these peoples faces:

They look like they're moaning in ecstasy, right? Oh No. They're yelling for help because they're stuck. She's got a Charlie Horse, he threw out his back and his package is smushed.

Don't think I'm going prude on you and plan to advocate for missionary position only. Hell No! I am for now and will always be a big fan of the cowgirl and reverse cowgirl position. Control, lovers. Control. Janet Jackson wasn't just singing about life. She just wanted to be on top. Doggy style is a personal favorite and I can't forget a little spooning. I was a poor math student, but I can spy a 69 and execute it from 200 paces. But, in the past few years, I've have had a numerical development that has me seeking advise from Indian sage Vatsyayana, the original compiler of the Kama Sutra text, as to handle this delicate situation.
So, it's all wonderful when your man is giving you well deserved attention in your southern regions. But, what is to be done when you glance to the sky and the wonderwand has suddenly appeared and is dangling inches from your lips? You're still getting your goods taken care of, but now he would like some mutual attention. What to do?

Well, you're the adventurous sort, so you figure, "What the hell. It will be fun and I won't have to get a sore neck from bobbing up and down. He's gonna do all the work. I can just lie here with my mouth open and go to town". Sure, that's a good thought until Mr. Happy Stick gets excited, grows bigger and his owner starts using him as a pile driver. You think that you can breath through your nose, right? Guess again. Things are backwards now. You're gonna have those family jewels banging your nose with every dip. So, you have an ass in your face, a ball bag punching your nose every 1.5 seconds and a penis using your tonsils as a trampoline. You're trying to enjoy the excellent service you're receiving and not lose consciousness from lack of oxygen. Sounds sexy, right? I can just see the conversation between the EMT's and TH.

TH: She just passed out. I don't know why. I knew that I was good at it, but not that good.
EMT: Did she give you any indication that she was in trouble?
TH: Well, she was pinching my leg at one point and then, just before she passed out she smacked my ass really hard a few times. I just figured she was getting into it.

Vatsyayana didn't seem to find this particular position worthy of publishing. Or maybe we have created a new Kama Sutra on our own. But, what should we name it? The Last Breath? The Chocking Chicken? Maybe an artist will make a relief of us on the great Kama Sutra Temple.

Do you think I should lose a bit more weight before that? I wonder if sculpture adds 10 pounds like TV does.


  1. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, that's what I need to read about on a Monday morning -- err -- afternoon.

  2. Considering I threw out my back the other day lifting my two year old out of a swing, I would say that I'm in no way qualified to give advice or try any of that shit. Sheesh.

  3. You and Big K must be closer in height than JR and I. That 12 inches (in height. don't I wish otherwise)makes for a huge logistical problem.

    Titled: Corpse Pose

  4. Just what I would need, two pairs of helping hands to get me into any of those positions.

  5. Maybe call it the tea bag, gag and shag.

  6. The only way the 69 is not gag inducing or breath constricting is girl on top. That way you have control of both ends of the playground!