Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Let Go Of My Ears. I Know What I'm Doing.

"I am the Queen of the Blowjobs", I announced to TH when we first became friends. So sure of my schlong tending talents, I never stopped to question his pleasure rate when he began receiving the treatments. I figured I'd had alot of practice, therefore I had skills. It wasn't until years later he made a smart ass comment about my "Queen" statement. Eager to banter, I shot back with "But, I was and I still am the Queen". He smiled, "You've gotten so much better".

Wait.....what did he say? I'm "better"? Does that mean I wasn't the best?

After I recovered from my psychotic breakdown and scotch taped my self esteem back together, I wondered: How do we ever know if we're royalty or just if we just royally suck?

If I could write about my first "head" experience without ending up in the doghouse, I would. I'd gladly share my tale of shame, humiliation, gagging and my (former) standing rule of "I'm not swallowing any of that stuff". But, that was during my probie days. I'm a veteran now. If I could count on my fingers all the times I've given TH the smoothy treatment, well....I would have alot of fingers. Maybe even hundreds. After all, we girls have that one special week per month where we just don't feel so fresh down there. It is necessary to travel south and pray to the one-eyed monster to keep our man happy and blue ball free. But, before I even get into my thoughts, techniques and all around opinions of the subject, I would like to go on record as saying "Who the hell thought up the term blow job". Last I checked, I believed there was suction involved.

Well lovers, here's a little history lesson.

The term "blow job" was originally prostitute slang for fellatio (I always feel so grown up when I say that word). It really didn't become part of the American language until the 1940's. It was reported that either the gay underground or the Jazz Era brought it up from the gutter. Truthfully, I don't remember exactly when the first time I became acquainted with the term. But, I have fond memories of sitting in the back of the school bus, listening to Andrew Dice Clay on my Sony Walkman. I recall him questioning who was the first woman who thought it would be a good idea to stick that thing in her mouth. Come to think of it, I ponder that myself. Of course, the same could be said for the first man who thought it was brilliant to travel to WooHa land. I wouldn't go down there and I have one.

I will go entirely on the record as saying, I like it. Yup. I said it. I like to do it. Sure it's not my favorite thing on the menu (cough-doggystyle-cough) but I order it from time to time. Thanks to our massive Library Of Porn and plenty of practice, I can safely say, with utter certainty, and TH will back me up on this (if he ever wants to get one again) that I give some very fine fellatio (ooh, there's that word again). I have mastered teeth placement, lip pressure, tongue movement and the great art of swallowing.

Let's talk about swallowing for a minute. Now ladies, I will go out there for you all and say what you want to say, but don't have the heart to admit to your man:

YUCK.

Yes gentlemen, it's gross. We may say it tastes good, we like it, we love it....but we're lying. It is a gnarly mouthful of steamy, thick, salty ickiness that we ingest for your pleasure. Sure, there are those of us (me) who trick ourselves (me again) into believing it's a protein shot. Speaking of which, I will (again) plead will all men that they give us the "warning" before the volcano erupts. A "I'm gonna cum" will work very nicely, thankyouverymuch. Your love juice moves at the speed of 28 mph when you blow your load. If you have trouble imagining our pain, spray water from your hose nozzle in your open mouth. See. Hurts like hell doesn't it. That's the last time you'll joke with your friends about how our eyes watered when you busted a nut.

And what is it with the facials? I know that the guys in porn do it, but why do you have to? The porn guys do it for effect. If no one sees it, (i.e. it's ingested) how do you know it happened? When we're with you, we both know it happened. In porn, no one ever sees the aftermath of the spray. Did you know that your jizz dries at the speed of light, becoming the consistency of rubber cement and bonds like Super Glue. And if it gets in our hair, all bets are off. Didn't you "There's Something About Mary". They didn't make that shit up. I still wonder why NASA hasn't thought up a use for it yet. They're always having problems with those tiles falling off the space shuttle. Slap some spooge on the back of that tile. It won't be going nowhere after that.

Ladies, you may have a firm "I will not give head" rule. That's cool. I respect you for that. Everyone has their tastes, limits and likes/dislikes. Hanging with the main brain is not for everyone. But, before you swear off becoming deep throat, I ask you this: Why would you give up the chance to literally have his balls in your hands? Or...my favorite...lead him around by his balls? Learn a few tricks with your lips and you too can be Queen of Blowjobs.

Until tomorrow, I bid you farewell, my faithful subjects. Live well and suck hard!

7 comments:

  1. Only you could have written this post and pulled it off.

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  2. Oh no no no, I'M the queen. ;)

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  3. I thought I was the Queen of the old BJ but you've me some good tips.

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  4. You could have warned me. I started reading this at work. Laughed my ass off. Waited to comment until I got home. It would have been just my luck that the university would decide to back up my computer right then.

    I'm claiming age and experience on this one. I've probably had more practice then years you've been alive. With no complaints. So I'm the queen. Totally ignore Casey.

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  5. Well, ladies, we could always have a blow-off to see who truly is the Queen! We'd just need a few volunteer units, since one guy couldn't possibly hold out for the entire competition.

    Oh, and I've got a few gay friends that will show up and teach us all how it's really done, because I guarantee you they are the QUEENS of the blow-job ;)

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  6. LMAO You are the Queen simply because you wrote this. Although, I've noticed myself diff. men prefer diff. techniques, what works on one might not work on another. His comment that you've "gotten better" probably just means you've learned what makes HIM happy.

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