Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Not Qualified For The Job

Things have been stale in the household.  Work is busy, I've been wearing underwear and my fans want me to dress in a pantsuit.  I will admit sex has taken a backseat to nourishment, bathing and sleep.  But, every now and then, we have a chance for a quickie. 

The other night, I had just rid my mind of office clutter, peeled the tongue from the roof of my mouth (did you know you should do it before you try to sleep?  It's a yoga relaxation trick) and VinDiesel had just started his nightly full body massage (obviously, I'm fantasizing - but can you imagine!), when my hand was suddenly plucked from its restful spot under the bedclothes and unceremoniously wrapped around an erect penis. (sadly, not VinDiesels - but a close second).  This was The Husbands way of letting me know he was in the mood for some nooky. (Such the romantic).  Excited by the opportunity to engage in some naughty behavior and thrilled we were both semi-awake, I began a slow finger rub up and down the shaft.  Fast forward 5 minutes - we're both asleep. My hand still wrapped around the wonderwand.

The next morning, I prepared a heavy guilt trip with a little side of "poor me".  Even though I had fallen asleep as well, I was not going to let the opportunity for some sympathy pass me by.  I prepared the - "You're not into me anymore" and the "Was it so bad, you fell asleep" and the ever popular "It's because I'm fat, right?".  But, The Husband is a seasoned veteran and didn't fall victim.  He let me know I had fallen asleep as well and if I was so tired, I could have just given him a handjob. (oh that's so much fun for me.)

A handjob.  It was at that very moment I realized I had never performed a true handjob.  I'd done the initial massage. But, I had never followed thru.  Sex was always the next thing on the menu. 

Always the willing student, I set out to Google my way to handjob Queendom.  Here are some of the responses to my search:


When you and your man are fooling around, have him lie on his back and straddle his thighs. Then, gently rub some water-based lube on his penis. To perform the basic hand job, firmly, but gently, wrap your fingers around his member and move your fist up and down his shaft in a slow,steady motion.

Um...........question!  What if your man's thighs are so big you cannot straddle them? What if your man is built like football player and has thighs the size of large punching bags?  And Jenna Jamison said you should never use lube.  Always use spit.

Don't forget to pay special attention to the super-sensitive corona (the ridge where the head meets the shaft) and frenulum (the thin ridge that runs the length of the underside of his penis). Periodically massaging them with one or two fingers will make him swoon.

I don't want him to "swoon"  Girly-men swoon.  I want my guy to grab my hand and show me how to pump it while yelling "Yea baby!  That's some good stuff"

You'll also want to try using both hands in tandem -- think of it as doubling his pleasure.

Who the fuck do you think I'm married too?  Rocco or some other enormously hung porn star.  Two hands?  Ouch!


Handjobs aren’t just about the penis. The testicles and scrotum, can steal the scene for some guys. These areas, along with the perineum, can be sensitive to touch and pressure, particularly once a many is aroused. You can tickle them, run your nails along them, tap them gently. You can also put your middle finger and forefinger around the top of the scrotum (making sure that you just have skin between your fingers, no actual balls) and then slowly and gently tug down, away from the body.

If I "tapped" The Husbands balls, he would throw me off the bed.

Wetter is better. Because guys don’t lubricate enough to create any kind of noticeable wetness, adding external personal lubricant is an absolute must for a great handjob.  Some products (like Stroke 29, Men’s Cream, and Boy Butter) are specially designed for this purpose, but in a pinch any water-based or even silicone-based lube will do.

Again....Jenna, priestess of porn,  told me NO LUBE!!!!  And there is not way in hell I'm using something called "Boy Butter".  Gross!

Avoid over-stimulation. With too much friction and rough stimulation, the penis can become over-stimulated and essentially feel a bit numb. When this happens, it’s usually difficult for the man to ejaculate no matter how much stimulation you provide. Some men may not be aware of when they’re getting to that point. So asking about it during non-sex time may be a good way of getting him to be more aware of it and hopefully communicate that to you.

If your partner doesn't know his penis is getting numb, you have a lot bigger problems than a poor handjob performance.

Finally, my desperate search yielded desired results. There is a wonderful site called  I spent the next 15 minutes learning about The Flatter, The Pancake, The Shocker (already knew that one), Starting the Fire and the 2 Finger Corkscrew.  These videos last no more than 30 seconds and you get a tutorial on each moved.

Lovers, I'm armed and dangerous now.

1 comment:

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