The Art of Withholding

Last weekend I had a huge fight with The Husband.  As a norm, we don't fight.  We have "disagreements".  Generally, they are resolved quickly, with little to no yelling.  However, this latest was a doozy.  We were having a discussion. I mentioned I didn't want to talk about that subject on a weekend, he made some douchebag remarks, I followed up by instantly losing my mind and walking out the front door. We didn't speak for about 6 hours after which he called me to asked what we should do about dinner.  In our house, food trumps all issues. 

A few days later, I told my friend about the fight.  She instantly took my side. (After all, OF COURSE, I was right).  Then, she said, "I hope you really punished him....you know, didn't give it up."

"You mean, stop having sex?" I said. (I can be a bit dense sometimes and I need her to spell this out for me.)

"Yeah.  I always let him know I'm pissed by keeping the sex to myself." she said.

At that point, we were distracted by the waiter delivering lunch (SEE!! Food again.  It was a corn beef Reuben.  Nom Nom!)  But, it got me thinking about our crimes and the proper punishment.  If the art of withholding shows what we are feeling, should we withhold when we're mad?

We use sex as a weapon all the time.  I have flirted madly with a man to get him to do what I need. I've got mad skillz!  I bat my eyes, smile coyly and act weak - playing on his need to be chivalrous.  If he only knew how strong I am or how irritatingly independent I can be. Sometimes, I get more by just acting polite.  The guys at Pizzaria Regina give me free slices and discount my pies every week.  I smile, call the clerk my favorite guy and BAM, a loaded pizza for 15 bucks.  I'm not leaving men out of this rant.  I've watched a man work over a sales clerk with flattery.  It's usually an older woman or a wallflower type.  I admit, I find these exchanges disgusting.  I know it makes me a hypocrite, but this is my story. 

Sex is one of the most amazing experiences we can have.  It's fabulous, thrilling, sinful and downright naughty.  Hell, I've built a blog around it and do my best to experience the feeling every single day.  The experience brings you as close to a person as you can get.  It's sad someone would use it to hurt or destroy a relationship.  Like anything,  it can be used for good or evil.  Using it as a method of control is down right wrong.  Our partners use us for sexual release.  Sexual release is also an emotional release.  If we deny them the right because we want to punish, who are we to judge when they seek release elsewhere.  DUH!  This does not give someone a license to cheat. But if their partner is acting like a complete asshat, do you blame them?

In addition to punishing your partner, aren't you punishing yourself.  NO SEX!  I know you can do it yourself.  But, why deny the experience of having sex with the person you CHOSE to have sex with in the first place.  They must of had some skills if you've been with them this long.  Doing the one handed tango is only a mediocre replacement for the real thing.  I like myself alot, but The Husband can do more than I could ever dream of doing to myself.  After all, it's not fun to tease yourself.

If I'm pissed off, I'm not in the mood for nookie.  Frankly, I'm not in the mood for anything other than alone time and a big vat of french fries.  Give me my space (and fries) and I will be ready to have a mature conversation in an hour or so.  I will discuss the matter, reach a resolution and move on.....to make up sex.

Random Thoughts and Musings - Part 1

Have you every looked at a guy and instantly known he still lives in his mothers basement?**  The Husband - a rabid Rush fan - took me to a private screening of of their latest documentary (don't laugh, it was actually quite interesting).  I was surrounded by basement dwellers.  There I stood, with my Redneck Hockey Player Husband and 4 dozen guys wearing black jeans, white sneakers, a rock concert t-shirts and really bad hair. 

A short message to Lady Ga Ga and Taylor Momsen:  It's time to wear pants.

I'm becoming one of those people who save quotes.  I rip them from magazines, tear them from tea bags and write them down in notebooks.  I'm not sure what I plan to do with them, but I have lots.

Larry the Cable Guy is hot.

Have you ever watched the Home Shopping Network?  They have the most interesting piles of crap.  I am unable to tear myself away from the counter on the side of the screen showing the number of people who are purchasing said crapola.

Adam Levine has announce he is not gay.  Does anyone really care?

A close male friend of mine told me he wears a Spanx tshirt sometimes.  I'm still processing this information.

Fried butter on a stick.  I am intrigued and grossed out at the same time.

I heart Facebook like the rest of you.  But, please...if you are pregnant, don't use your ultrasound picture as your profile pic.  I'm happy for you and thrilled you are having a baby.  But, it's just too much information.  That goes for the many guys who use shirtless pics.  If you don't have washboard abs, it's not appropriate.

National Nude Hiking Day was in June.  The things you miss when you don't don't synch your phone and your computer in a timely manner.

The most expensive coffee in the world comes from civet poop, selling for between $120 and $600 USD per pound.  I wonder who was the first person to reach into a vat of civet doodies, grab a bean and say, "Hey, lets roast these suckers up"!

That's a wrap, Lovers!

**This is not meant to insult men who are living in Mom's basement.  It is a gentle wake up call that it is time for you to get your pansy ass out there, get laid and do something other than play video games with the other basement dwellers.  There's a big world out there.  Your penis will thank you.  If you need prodding, shoot me an email at utterlysinful@gmail.com.  I can give you the motivation and additional humiliation it will take to become a man.

Good Times, Noodle Salad

Well, Lovers. We made it thru another week.  This is for your BBQ weekend.  It's one of my favorite ORIGINAL recipes.  Yup, that's right.  It's mine.  Paula Dean, I know you secretly read my website and I'm just telling ya not to grab this for yourself.  Besides, there is no butter in it.

Szechuan Noodle Salad

3 cups of cooled noodles (I use a thin spaghetti)
1/3 cup of thinly sliced scallions (both white and green parts)
2 large carrots, peeled into long strips
4 teaspoons of toasted sesame seeds
1/2 cup of pineapple juice
3 Tablespoons of vinegar
3 Tablespoons soy sauce
3 teaspoons toasted sesame oil
2 teaspoons of vegetable oil
2 teaspoons of honey
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon of garlic powder
hot sauce to taste (I use Sriracha)
salt and pepper

Method

In a large bowl, combine noodles, carrots, scallions and sesame seeds.  In a small bowl, combine remaining ingredients and whisk well to incorporate.  Add mixture to noodles and toss well to coat.  Chill for several hours or overnight, stirring several times.  Stir well before serving.

The Facts and My Reflections

The internet is a fabulous, dirty place.  I'm an information junkie.  Okay.  Let me rephrase....I am a information junkie as long as it's the kind of information not brought up in professional or high class environments.  I also enjoy a random, totally mindless, completely irrelevant fact - Did you know Vasco De Gama sailed around the tip of Africa to India?  I learned this pointless tidbit in 5th grade and have been unable to get rid of the information.  I am a wealth of trivial trivia! (say that 4 times fast).  Don't sit next to me at a cocktail party.  You will leave much more informed and a hellava lot horrified.

Fact #1. During sweaty sex, men ooze testosterone. And it's actually a biological turn on for women!  

Ahem....I do not want anyone to "ooze" anything all over me.  It's bad enough trying to get cum out of your hair.

Fact #2. There's almost 500 different types of bacteria in your mouth. Almost 50% of them live on your tongue.

I'm over it.  If I'm going to put a penis in my mouth, I'm not worried about tongue bacteria.

Fact # 3. One out of seventeen, or 400,000,000 people have sex a day. 4,000 people are doing it right now!

I just finished - wait a minute...is this sex with other people or sex with yourself.  I'm confused. I need to Google.

Fact# 4. The hotter the room, the fiercer the orgasm. Vasocongestion, or the heat flush on your skin, is akin to blushing from sex.

I have decided to keep the temperature on the cool side.  (See Fact #1)  We're trying to prevent the "ooze"

Fact # 5. The pelvic spasms caused by an orgasm actually move sperm up stream towards fertilizing your eggs.

I really wish I could un-learn this.

Fact #6. Seventy-three-percent of 70-year-old men are still potent.

There is still hope for me and Sean Connery!!!!

Fact# 7. The endorphins released during sex actually relieve a headache.

It's called falling asleep!

Fact #8. Back in 1609, Dr. Wecker found a dead man with two peckers! Since, 80 cases of double headers have been reported.

I bet these guys had their hands down their pants 24/7.

Fact #9. You can go from zero to 60 fast! The fastest speed a sexy sensation can travel from your va-jay-jay to your brain has been clocked at the Ferrari-fast speed of 156 mph.

Who is studying this???  Don't we have global warming, cancer and other major disasters to work on?  What is wrong with you people.

Fact #10. Erotic asphyxiation didn't just kill INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence. Cutting off oxygen to your brain to feel a strong new sensation during sex causes around 500 American deaths every year.

I'm all for the kinky shit, but this is a little over my head.

Later, Lovers! 

It's Kinda Early in the Year, But Cheesecake is Forever.

Happy Friday and bring on the weekend.  I need a break because I just spilled an entire cup of coffee in my lap.  I'm wearing white, linen pants.  I live 20 minutes from my office.  I will be spending the afternoon with a semi-wet crotch that smells of Beanstock Roasters Hazelnut.

I have been CRAVING this cheesecake since June.  Ordinarily, anything having to do with pumpkin is saved for September.  But, this cake would be the perfect ending to a spicy BBQ. 

I double the recipe for the crust because I like a whole lotta crust.  If you don't, then don't do it.  I'm not there holding a gun to your head telling you to make it my way.  But, I am secretly watching you.

Pumpkin Cheesecake with Sour Cream Topping

(from Epicurious.com)

For the crust

3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled

For the filling
1 1/2 cups solid pack pumpkin
3 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
three 8-ounce packages cream cheese, cut into bits and softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons heavy cream
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon vanilla

For the topping
2 cups sour cream
2 tablespoons fine sugar

Make the crust:

In a bowl combine the cracker crumbs, the pecans, and the sugars, stir in the butter, and press the mixture into the bottom and 1/2 inch up the side of a buttered 9-inch springform pan. Chill the crust for 1 hour.

Make the filling:

In a bowl whisk together the pumpkin, the egg, the cinnamon, the nutmeg, the ginger, the salt, and the brown sugar. In a large bowl with an electric mixer cream together the cream cheese and the granulated sugar, beat in the cream, the cornstarch, the vanilla, the bourbon liqueur, and the pumpkin mixture, and beat the filling until it is smooth.

Pour the filling into the crust, bake the cheesecake in the middle of a preheated 350°F. oven for 50 to 55 minutes, or until the center is just set, and let it cool in the pan on a rack for 5 minutes.

Make the topping:

In a bowl whisk together the sour cream and sugar
Spread the sour cream mixture over the top of the cheesecake and bake the cheesecake for 5 minutes more. Let the cheesecake cool in the pan on a rack and chill it, covered, overnight. Remove the side of the pan and garnish the top of the cheesecake with the pecans.


(The original recipe HERE  uses bourbon and pecans.  I'm not a liquor/nut person in my dessert.  So I omitted)

Enjoy!! - and send me a piece.

I Want To Be An Auntie Boozebag When I Grow Up

Life has not been kind to me lately, Lovers.  The office has been a drag and more often than not, I leave there cranky and two clicks away from full bitch. I have come to find solice in food (which explains my expanding tush) and cooking dinner has become a soothing sedative.

On the other hand, shopping for ingredients is a nightmare.  I LOVE Peterson's Market in Yarmouth Port.  Their butcher shop is first rate. Sure, the parking lot is kinda scary.  Some of the people there may need to revisit their driving test since the last one they took was in a horse and buggy. Including the old lady who drove thru the front doors a few months ago.  But, who doesn't like to play a game of Frogger (you're the frog) when going from your car to the front door - which has been expertly repaired and outfitted with those reinforced steel posts - just in case someone confuses the brake and the gas pedal again.

So, back to my foul mood.

I was strolling down the dairy aisle after picking up some Sweet Heat Sirloin Tips (Holy Lindsay Lohan they're good) and trying to remember if we needed orange juice.  (We did, I thought we didn't).  I decided the only way I was ever going to get out of my funk was a threesome with Ben & Jerry.  As I circled and headed Northeast towards the cooler where my boys were chilling, I heard the most infectious, cackling laugh followed by a smokey voice exclaiming "You've gotta see this."  I looked up to see a fabulously dressed woman holding a pint of ice cream and gesturing toward her friends - three equally fashionable ladies. (I have to note their appearance because it is a rarity to see a woman in her 50's or 60's, in Peterson's dressed in anything but a sweatsuit or a housecoat).  Smokey Voice showed the pint to her friends and they all began to laugh.  I peered up over the top of the cooler and smiled politely when our eyes met. 

She strode over to me and said "You just have to look at this."

I looked down at the pint (Ben & Jerry's, of course) and read the name of the flavor:

I looked back at her, wide eyed.

She said, "I know! You thought so too!" (EDITORS NOTE:  The name has been since changed to What a Cluster) Then she proceeded to laugh, her friends and then myself joining in with her.

Holding bottles of wine, the fabulous foursome meticulously scoured the cooler selection for the perfect flavor.  "Gay Head Ginger" by Cape Cod Creamery evoked another round of pealing laughter.  I eagerly joined the ruckus.  They told me they were were spending time together and had done this for years.  Their family referred to them as the "Auntie Boozebags".  They referred to themselves as the "The Contessas". 

I left the store with a smile on my face and a the proverbial bounce in my step. Ladies, you have renewed my faith in my future.  I have always feared my midlife - afraid I might become stale.  Thank you for brightening my day. Everytime I walk into the market, I listen for your laughter and hope to see your smiling faces.  To The Contessas (aka Auntie Boozebags), you are utterly fabulous and my idols.