I Think It Might Be A Little Depressed

Quite recently, I had a friend call me a nympho.  I can hear you all sighing a proverbial "Duh", under your breath.  It's OK.  He hadn't seen me in awhile.  Sometimes people forget.  But, what he said is true.  I am.

Nympho: from nymphomanic from nymphomania: Excessive sexual desire in and behavior by a female.

Yup, guilty as Charlie Sheen in a whorehouse.

I love sex.  Sex with a partner, sex with myself, talking about sex, thinking about sex, dreaming about sex, watching sex....you get it.  I'm as crazy as a horny teenage boy who finds his older brothers stash of skin mags.

Buuuuuuuut, things haven't been all rosy, romantic and lovey-dovey lately in my life.  In fact, I'm currently not speaking to the person that is suppose to be giving me the sex.  By speaking, I mean having normal, human conversations.  Screaming matches?  That is something we've been having regularly and I have to say we may reach Eminem and Kim Mathers level.  We're getting very good at it. So we're not having sex.  Not even make up sex.  Everyone's had dry spells before.  And what do we do, Lovers?  We reach for our favorite box of goodies.  We keep ourselves satisfied until the storm blows over and we are free to fornicate again.

Well, nobody relayed that information to my crotch during this whole ordeal.  My brain must be spending all its power working on my lack of appetite (you know I'm depressed when I don't want to eat) that the naughty messages were being stopped around my spleen or something.  I've got nothing going on down there. Not even a twinge, twitch or tickle. I saw a picture of a shirtless VinDiesel and nothing.  Nothing!!  Usually the sight of him makes me go crazy and I'm breaking out the big toys.  I've tried everything.  I've Googled every hot actor with "shirtless" proceeding his name in the subject line.  I even tried some Salma Hayek for the hell of it.  I'm pretty sure this little ordeal hasn't made me line up for the other team, but Salma is usually good for a quick hit.

Nothing.  Nada.  Ziltch.  Zero. Dwiddly Squat. No Dice.

I have come to the conclusion that my VaJay must be depressed too.  Something must be wrong if it's not bothering me constantly to put things in it.  The first sign should have been when I wore sweatpants to the mall last week.  I know it's not against the law to do that.  But, I usually make the outfit cute.  Last week's ensemble told everyone at the mall my Vajay was depressed.  I'm pretty sure it let everyone know I'm boycotting sleep too.  I looked so bad the make up ladies at Macy's didn't bother me.  They're probably still gossiping about the girl with the scary hair, bad makeup and depressed vagina.

So I'm wearing sweatpants in public, I'm not having sex and my VaJay is on strike.  I'm still not a Lindsay Lohen level.  I may be dangling around the Britney Spears zone. Maybe more towards the Tara Reid. I've passed Amanda Bynes ranking but did not chose the driving option.  I did a David Hasselholf last week with a cheeseburger - but I did not do the drinking before hand.

Thank God I'm terrified of needles or I would have tattooed something ridiculous by now. But, not on my VaJay. Maybe I should.  It might wake her up.

I Will Never Have The Right Curves

I like bread.  Let me rephrase that.  I LOVE bread.  Crispy, chewing, savoury bread.  I like to dip it, dredge it, toast it, butter it, and fill it with french onion soup.  I feel sexy when I have my hands kneading a pillowy soft mountain of dough.  I feel comfort when I pull a loaf out of the oven and it perfumes the air with soft, homey fragrances.  What does bread have to do with curves?  Well, just about everything.

I read every magazine having to do with cooking or fitness. (I read People too. I'm just not ready to admit it in public).  My cooking magazines are lined up in pretty boxes, by date of course, on the top shelf of the desk in my home office.  I refer to them constantly for recipes or ideas.  My fitness magazines get recycled at the local magazine swap after I've combed thru them.  I tear out articles to follow up on exercise ideas.  These pages are currently in a dusty pile on my desk. I'll get to them, I swear.  I just have to finish the latest article on pumpkin bread with caramel frosting in Fine Cooking.  The fitness magazines inspire me. They make me want to run 15 miles a day and go to yoga.  Most of them have pictures of healthy, strong women.  Except for this:

"Do you want Rachel Bilson's curves it says".  Sure.  Where are they?  The only curve I see is her boob.  Everything else is stick like and pointy. Are those the curves you are talking about?  No thankyouverymuch.

I know Rachel Bilson is not a  model.  But she could be.  I'm not jealous.  I feel sorry for her.  I feel sorry for those women who think she is the idea of "Women's Health".  She looks like a bobble head doll. ( I know this is an old addition of WH but I'm catching up on my reading now that I'm unemployed)  I get that every women has a specific body type.  Some people will never have voluptuous curves like my gorgeous friend Sully who has breasts to DIE for! Some people will never have a willowy figure like my friend Bonnie.  It will never, ever happen. Their bodies aren't made to be the opposite of what they are.  So what do my beloved girls do about it?  They embrace themselves and pull out the sexy.

I recently had a conversation with my guy BFF.  We were talking about sex, (I know. You're shocked) My BFF looked at me and said quite simply, "All of these women think they need to slim down to nothing.  It's like bouncing on a pile of sticks.  I feel like I'm going to break them."  I nodded sympathetically while I munched on a plate of chili fries.  "Finally, I was with this girl who took care of herself and had a little something extra.  It was amazing."

Straight from a guys mouth.  Made me feel good.  Granted society is not adopted that option quite yet, but I'm a believer.  Just the other day someone told me smaller boobs were coming back in style.  I'm planning a parade if that happens and I will be topless.  But, I digress.

Stop killing yourself to look like the curves you think you should have.  Be healthy.  Be strong.  Be sexy. Be yourself.  Have some bread.  It looks good on you.

It's A Hard Days Night....

I'm on Day 10 of a 26 day working binge.  Not fun and it makes me a cranky bitch to boot.  No one wants to be around me.  I don't even want to be around me.  I start to closely resemble Meryl Streep in "A Devil Wears Prada", but without the fabulous clothes, chic hair or tidy office.  Instead, I'm pretty sure I'm wearing my thong backwards, I don't know when I last washed my hair and my office looks like we just survived a 7.5 earthquake.  It's tough being the H.B.C (Head Bitch in Charge) during a big case.  The minions are tiptoeing around me. I'm sure they can't wait until this is all over and I leave for my vacation on Nov 9th. I saw it written on someones calendar with a smiley face.

As you all know, I cook when I'm stressed.  The Husband came home last night to find me at the stove with every burner going at full steam.  He gave me a peck on the cheek and ran upstairs to safety.  I made this fabulous soup to calm my nerves.  It's packed with lots of healthy junk and smells divine.  I brought it for lunch today and I hope it makes everyone starving when I heat it up in the breakroom microwave.

Cannellini Bean and Squash Stew

Borrowed from "The Sonoma Diet Cookbook" 

1 Tbs extra virgin olive oil

1 chopped onion

6 cloves of garlic, grated

1 Tbs Sweet Hungarian paprika

28 oz chicken broth

3 cups 1 inch cubed butternut squash

1 14 oz can diced tomatoes, undrained

1 Tbs chopped fresh rosemary

2 14 oz cans of cannellini beans (white kidney beans)

1 Tbs chopped fresh thyme

Kosher salt

black pepper

shaved Manchego or Parmesan cheese

In a dutch oven heat oil over med heat.  Add onions and cook for 5 min or until tender

Add garlic and paprika cook for 2 min more.

Add chicken broth, squash, undrained tomatoes, and rosemary. Bring to boil then reduce heat to simmer, cover and cook for 15 min or until squash is tender

Drain and rinse beans, add beans, parsley and thyme and cook uncovered for 10 mins at low simmer

Shave cheese over individual bowls.

Gaaaaaaarlic Zuppa for me

I have a thing for soup.  As soon as the temperature hits 50, I'm at the stove.  Here is one of my favs.  Traditionally, this soup is served to young children and the elderly in Italy.  Kinda like chicken soup is our comfort food for the sick, this is the Italians version of get better quick. 

 I made this last night and it was heaven with a glass of vino and a spinach salad.     I got to enjoy the after effects on my run this morning.  Once I worked up a good sweat, I smelled like a loaf of garlic bread trotting down the street.  After a shower, I'm pretty sure I've sweated out all the remaining cloves.  This is the ultimate in comfort and surprisingly light.

Zuppa di Aglio Fresco (Fresh Garlic Soup)

(Courtesy of Food to Die For by Patrica Cornwall)

4 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 cups finely chopped carrots
10 cloves of garlic, peeled and smashed
4 cups homemade chicken stock, or canned chicken broth
1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
1/4 cup dry sherry
3 extra-large egg yolks
1/2 cup freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano
2 tablespoons chopped fresh Italian parsley
salt and freshly ground pepper
4 slices ( 1 inch thick) day-old sourdough, multi-grain, or country-style bread

In a 3 qt saucepan, heat 2 tablespoons of the olive oil; add the carrots and garlic. Cook over medium-high heat, stirring frequently, for 3 to 5 minutes, or until tender but not brown.
Stir in the chicken stock, thyme, and bay leaf. Bring the mixture to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, covered, for 30 minutes. Discard the bay leaf. in a blender or food processor, puree the soup in several batches, transferring the puree to a large bowl. Return the pureed mixture to the saucepan; stir in the sherry.
In a small bowl, whisk together the egg yolks, and the remaining 2 tablespoons oil; whisk in the Parmigiano-Reggiano until blended. Gradually whisk 1/4 cup of the soup into the yolk mixture; whisk mixture into the soup. Heat the soup over medium-low heat, stirring constantly for 8 to 10 minutes, until the soup thickens (do not boil or the soup will curdle). Stir in the parsley; season to taste with salt and freshly ground pepper. Remove the soup from the heat.
To serve the soup, place a slice of bread in each bowl, ladle the soup over the bread and serve immediately.

4 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 cups finely chopped carrots
10 cloves of garlic, peeled and smashed
4 cups homemade chicken stock, or canned chicken broth
1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
1/4 cup dry sherry
3 extra-large egg yolks
1/2 cup freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano
2 tablespoons chopped fresh Italian parsley
salt and freshly ground pepper
4 slices ( 1 inch thick) day-old sourdough, multi-grain, or country-style bread

In a 3 qt saucepan, heat 2 tablespoons of the olive oil; add the carrots and garlic. Cook over medium-high heat, stirring frequently, for 3 to 5 minutes, or until tender but not brown.
Stir in the chicken stock, thyme, and bay leaf. Bring the mixture to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, covered, for 30 minutes. Discard the bay leaf. in a blender or food processor, puree the soup in several batches, transferring the puree to a large bowl. Return the pureed mixture to the saucepan; stir in the sherry.
In a small bowl, whisk together the egg yolks, and the remaining 2 tablespoons oil; whisk in the Parmigiano-Reggiano until blended. Gradually whisk 1/4 cup of the soup into the yolk mixture; whisk mixture into the soup. Heat the soup over medium-low heat, stirring constantly for 8 to 10 minutes, until the soup thickens (do not boil or the soup will curdle). Stir in the parsley; season to taste with salt and freshly ground pepper. Remove the soup from the heat.
To serve the soup, place a slice of bread in each bowl, ladle the soup over the bread and serve immediately.

Married Woman Seeks Boyfriend

My husband is fabulous.  Truly, he is.  Nearly five years of wedded bliss – 13 years together in total if you want to be accurate.  We’re the best of friends, we spend lazy Sunday’s going for long drives to the beach while drinking fancy coffee drinks and the sex….well….he could teach a few porn stars some new tricks.  In short, we’re a great pair.  Happy as two peas in the proverbial pod.

But, as in many marriages – maybe yours too – there often blooms a need for something more.  The desire starts out innocently.  Maybe a fleeting glance at the couple seated next to you in a restaurant.  Then, the want becomes more powerful.  You feel jealously when you spy a man and woman happily shopping together.  There are certain things your husband won’t do with you.  He seems less than interested in your latest outfit or doesn’t want to try out the new sushi restaurant.  He doesn’t care about your best friend’s latest boy toy and he has no idea what happened in the last episode of the Kardashians.  He’s still home for dinner every night and the sex is great, but you need more.  More.  More as in you desire the attention of another man. A man who cares about your new pair of strappy sandals.  A man who is proud to have you on his arm as you stroll in to the new coffee shop with the sexy baristas.  A man who will watch Ice Loves Coco and coo about Spartacus.  A new man. That’s what you need.

Well, Lovers.  I need a new man.  A new boyfriend.  I need the number one accessory of the married woman:  The gay boyfriend.

Every gay man needs a straight woman in his life and every straight woman needs a gay man.  They go together like Manolos and Carrie Bradshaw, like caramel and chocolate, like sprinkles and cupcakes, like cherries and whipped cream.  My friend idol Sarah has two.  They get pedicures together, bitch about men, go shopping and cook fabulous meals; all this without the chick drama that usually befouls a normal day with your girlfriend.  The gay boyfriend never competes when you're cruising the guys…..the two of you are usually on different taste levels. And he is always available to play “What the Fuck Does She Think She’s Wearing” as you sit peacefully at the bar, drinking Merlot and eating something yummy.

So, I’m advertising for a boyfriend.  Age is of no importance.  He must be into gourmet cooking, movies and long walks on the beach.  He must be willing to dish on his hot sex life and occasionally let me film it. He must love coffee, bacon, cake and think I’m enormously clever.  And above all, he must agree that if we ever see VinDiesel walking on the street, I get first dibs.

The German Cooks Italian

As part of my new found quest for fun (AKA I-Just-Turned-35-And-Holy-Sh*t-I-Haven’t-Done-Half-The-Stuff-I-Want-To-Do), I signed myself and The Husband up for a cooking demo at the Aqua Grill in Sandwich.  On the last Wednesday of every month, Chef Gert Rausch transforms his dining room into a kitchen and invites 65 guests to sit tableside while he dazzles them with his 35 years of culinary wisdom and fabulous personality. You leave with a full belly and all the recipes to make at home.  His past demos have included, Cajun & Creole, Aphrodisiacs, South Eastern Asia Cuisine, Popular German Cuisine and How to Cook Native Sea Bass. 

This past Wednesday was Italian.  The menu was simple but intriguing:

Cicheti (appetizers)

Baked Artichokes Wrapped in Bacon

Deep Fried Mozzarella Mini Sandwiches

Arugula, Shave Parmesan & Bristol Mini Sandwichs

Pasta Corso (pasta course)

Linguini con le cozze

(Linguini with mussels)

Ravioli co aragosta e spinacia

(Lobster and spinach ravioli)

Rigatoni al Ragu di Game Gallina

(Rigatonis with Cornish game hen ragu)

Artichokes Wrapped in Bacon and Deep Fried Mozzarella
Mini Sandwiches. Amazing!

I scored an excellent seat upon arrival – right at the front, closest to the demo.  If I could, I would have sat on the demo table.  I’m that interested.  TH and I munched on the appetizers and watched while adorable Chef Gert flirted with the ladies.  Guests greeted each other like old friends.  It seemed like this was a monthly activity for most of the folks in the room.

Chef Gert with his assistant Daniel. Daniel was a hottie.

As an added bonus, Martignetti Companies had been invited to the party and was conducting a wine pairing with each course.  We were being used as guinea pigs and would be deciding on the newest wine to be added to the Aqua Grille’s already impressive wine list.  I did not mind offering up my palate for such a worthy cause!

The first course was a Linguini con le Cozze.  I was nervous.  I’d never tried mussels. 

.

Well, what can I say?  It was gorgeous!  The pasta was a perfect al denti.  The mussels were delicately cooked with a garlic anchovies, chilies, oregano and white wine.  This introduction couldn’t have been arranged better.  I did find myself wanting a bit more heat and garlic.  I don’t think it would have taken too much from the mussels and would have added a bit more zip to the dish.

The wine served with this dish was a Californian Pinot Grigio.  It was like drinking white grape juice.  Did not get my vote.

The second course was Rigatoni al Ragu di Game Gallina. This was a cold winter’s night; sitting on the couch, in front of a fire with your loved one while dressed in your pj’s tucked into a bowl.  I wanted snuggle up to TH while I dug into this dish.  It was comfort mixed with the complex and deep flavors of game hen and the nutty parmesan reggiano shaved on top.  I got the feeling most people get when they love a certain dish: I was sad when my bowl was empty.

The wine served was a William Hill Chardonnay.  It is a “restaurant only” wine.  It stood up nicely to the richness of the dish, but really didn’t have much of a finish.  I wanted more oak. (BTW…this was the overall winner of the vote)

The last dish was a Ravioli con aragosta e spinacia.   I’m not normally a huge fan of the lobster ravioli in cream sauce.  I find it too heavy and it never leaves room for dessert.  Chef Gerts ravioli was none of that.  The champagne cream sauce was light, the ravioli flavorful and the surprise garnish of warmed chopped tomatoes and parsley tied it up nicely.  There would definitely have been room for dessert.

The wine served was an Edna Valley Pinot Noir. Many in the crowd were shocked at the pairing of a red wine with a seafood dish.  But, it was explained (I already knew, thankyouverymuch), that the richness of the cream and lobster would play nicely with the spicy Pinot.  This had my vote. I lost.  But, I’m buying a bottle for myself instead.

The experience was excellent. Chef Gert put Emeril Lagasse to shame with his quick wit and sweet smile. The only downer was the group of women cackling behind us the entire time.  Poor Gert doesn’t have a bullhorn for a voice and these bitches kept taking about their marital problems and such.  Thankfully, I had a saucy gal and her mother sitting beside The Husband and me.  She didn’t think twice when she turned around and told them to shut the hell up!  I love ya, girl!  Wished I’d gotten you’re number.  We could have torn it up together.

The Aqua Grille on the canal in Sandwich.  Got there, see Gert, get some good grub and learn a thing or two. Ciao, Lovers!  

It's Freakin' Chili!!

It's cold out....finally. It feels like winter. I love soup. It makes you feel comfy, cozy and it goes so well with my favorite thing....BREAD!!

I serve this up with a side of Spanish rice, warm tortillas, sour cream and quacamole. Super tasty and super easy. Get spicy, Lovers!


Texas Brisket Beef Chili
Borrowed from Epicurious.com

Ingrediants

6 large dried ancho chiles*
6 ounces bacon, diced
1 1/4 pounds onions, chopped (about 4 cups)
1 5-pound flat-cut (also called first-cut) beef brisket, cut into 2 1/2- to 3-inch cubes
Coarse kosher salt
6 large garlic cloves, peeled
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons cumin seeds
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 1/2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
1 1/2 10-ounce cans fire-roasted diced tomatoes with green chiles (1 3/4 cups)
1 12-ounce bottle Mexican beer
1 7-ounce can diced roasted green chiles
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh cilantro stems
4 cups 1 1/2- to 2-inch chunks seeded peeled butternut squash (from 3 1/2-pound squash)

Method:

Place chiles in medium bowl. Pour enough boiling water over to cover. Soak until chiles soften, at least 30 minutes and up to 4 hours.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Sauté bacon in heavy large oven-proof pot over medium-high heat until beginning to brown. Add onions. Reduce heat to medium; cover and cook until tender, about 5 minutes. Sprinkle beef all over with coarse salt and pepper. Add to pot; stir to coat. Set aside.

Drain chiles, reserving soaking liquid. Place chiles in blender. Add 1 cup soaking liquid, garlic, chili powder, cumin seeds, oregano, coriander, and 1 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt; blend to puree, adding more soaking liquid by 1/4 cupfuls if very thick. Pour puree over brisket in pot. Add tomatoes with juices, beer, green chiles, and cilantro stems. Stir to coat evenly.

Bring chili to simmer. Cover and place in oven. Cook 2 hours. Uncover and cook until beef is almost tender, about 1 hour. Add squash; stir to coat. Roast uncovered until beef and squash are tender, adding more soaking liquid if needed to keep meat covered, about 45 minutes longer. Season chili to taste with salt and pepper. Tilt pot and spoon off any fat from surface of sauce. DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 days ahead. Cool 1 hour. Chill uncovered until cold, then cover and keep chilled.