The Alphabet of Me

Instead of doing a Random Tuesday, I thought I would reintroduce myself.  I have loads of new readers who don't know that much about me.  So, here's the dirty and not so dirty details.

The Letter A

Are you available? No. Why? Are you asking?
What is your age? Turning 33 in 9 days.
What annoys you? When people don’t say thank you, when people are closed minded, when people….damn I’ll run out of room if I continue.

The Letter B
Do you live in a big house? It’s too big for just two people but I love it. 3 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths (one that can't be used because the husband STILL hasn’t installed a shower door.)
When is your birthday? March 18th.
Who is your best friend? Josh is my BFF. Camp Wildwood, baby! It’s never been the same since.

The Letter C
What’s your favorite candy? I love super snobby chocolate. I also love that DIP stuff.
Who’s your crush? Vin Diesel. Luscious man candy. I want him to paint me with snobby chocolate and lick it off. Slowly.
When was the last time you cried? Truthfully, I don’t remember.

The Letter D
Do you daydream? All the time. Most often it leads to masturbation. But, so doesn’t everything in my life.
What’s your favorite kind of dog? Boston Terriers. Want one!
What day of the week is it? Saturday. Everything is open and I can get everything done.

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs? In an omelet, smothered with cheese, stuffed with some sort of greasy animal product.
Have you ever been in the emergency room? Yes.
What’s the easiest thing ever to do? Lose yourself

The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane? Yes
Do you use fly swatters? Nope, I just grab the nearest magazine.
Have you ever used a foghorn? No, but I want to.

The Letter G
Do you chew gum? Like it’s keeping me alive. I can’t get enough
Are you a giver or a taker? Giver
Do you like gummy candies? I like to suck on them until they get all gooey in my mouth.

The Letter H
How are you? Horny…slightly craving a bagel.
What color is your hair? Dirty blond with blond highlights.

The Letter I
What’s your favorite ice cream? Oatmeal cookie by Ben N’Jerry’s
Have you ever ice skated? Yes. I suck at it.
Do you play an instrument? I played the violin. I’m also a classically trained singer

The Letter J
What’s your favorite jelly bean brand? Jelly Belly.  I like to do that thing where you stuff a bunch of different flavors in your mouth to make something different.
Do you wear jewelry? I usually have my wedding rings on and earrings. I’ve made a point to try and wear more stuff. I have a shit load of funky jewelry.

The Letter K
Who do you want to kill? I’m not sure. Ask me later on. It changes daily.
Do you want kids? I don’t know.
Where did you go for kindergarten? Ezra H. Baker Elementary School

The Letter L
Are you laid back? Most of the time.
Do you lie? Occasionally if the situation calls for it. Nothing serious, though.

The Letter M
What’s your favorite movie? Under the Tuscan Sun or Gone with the Wind.
Do you still watch Disney movies? Duh. If you don’t still watch Disney movies there’s something wrong with you.
Do you like mangos? Yes. They’re just such a pain in the ass to peel. I’m usually so aggravated when I’m done, I don’t want it anymore

The Letter N
Do you have a nickname? No. I want one.
What is your real name? Pamela Anderson (obviously not, but I like to pretend)
Whats your favorite number? 7
Do you prefer night over day? No. I like the daytime.

The Letter O
What’s your one wish? To live a long, happy, healthy life with no regrets.
Were you an only child? No. 2 sisters, 3 brothers.

The Letter P
What one fear are you most paranoid about? Bridges. Hate them.
What are your pet peeves? When people don’t give you the “thank you” wave when you let them go. I think you should be allowed to hit them with your car if they don’t.
What’s a personality trait you look for in people? Honesty. I hate a liar.

The Letter Q
What’s your favorite quote? “Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power” – Shirley Maclaine
Are you quick to judge people? Sometimes. I’m working on it. I have a low tolerance for bullshit.

The Letter R
Do you think you’re always right? No. Far from it.
Are you one to cry? Yes. I blubber all over the place.

The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain? Sun
Do you like snow? I like snow if it doesn’t interfere with what I’m doing.
What’s your favorite season? Spring and Fall.

The Letter T
What time is it? 8:47 PM
What time did you wake up? 7:00ish AM
When was the last time you slept in a tent? I think 1997. I’m not a tent dweller.  I need a bed and air conditioning.

The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear? No. Of course not
Underwear or boxers? Thong.

The Letter V
What’s the worst veggie? Lima bean. YUCK!! Even with load of salt and butter they taste gross.
Where do you want to go on vacation? Ireland or Italy. I love Europe.

The Letter W
What’s your worst habit? I pop my gum. So tacky
Where do you live? Cape Cod, Massachusetts
What’s your worst fear? To be alone at the end of it all.

The Letter X
Have you ever had an x-ray? Yup
Have you seen the x-games? I think I flipped by them on TV once.
Do you own a xylophone? I had one that I could pull with a string when I was a kid.

The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow? Yes it’s happy.
What’s one thing you yearn for? Bread. I’m on a low carb diet because my husband is fat. I also yearn for Vin Diesel to give me a full body massage while naked.

The Letter Z
What’s your zodiac sign? Pisces
Do you believe in the zodiac? Totally
Favorite zoo animal? I like giraffes. They always look so chill.

I have to thank Kirsten for this cute little questionaire!  Love ya, girl!

Random Tuesday - Thanks a Heap

Thank you to LB and his wife who have been "pimpin'" my blog on Facebook.  The naughtiness of that has me in near swoon.

Thank you to Random Guy From Upper Cape for your thoughtful suggestions on woodpecker food to rid my home of the Morning Wood.  It really is a toss up - get rid of woodpecker or continue to watch my husband dance around naked with a just a heavy metal t-shirt and work boots.  Tough decision.

Thank you to MT_2009 (aka Mr. Kitty) for your thoughtful and witty emails.  As promised, if anyone of the Bad Girls become single and serves a terrible sirloin steak, I will send them your way. (This inside joke is my comment to him that if you are served a poorly cooked sirloin steak at a restaurant and you had paid $30 for it, you should get a blow job complete with swallowing.  See what happens when you email me fan letters?)

Thank you Evgeni Plushenko for showing me how a true douchebag acts.  So you didn't win the gold. Maybe next time you'll skate without a grouchy stick shoved up your ass.

Thank you Shaved Head Guy In Yoga Class.  For some reason, you have decided to move from the way way back of the room to the front row - right.next.to.me.  You're not a super sexy guy, but the smell of your cologne, combined with your carnal sounding grunts and glimpses of your muscular thighs had me struggling in my downward dog.  Not only did I cleanse my mind in that class, I added some new material to the spank bank.  Please....Please....PLEASE say in the back row next class.

Thank you to everyone who has followed me from Diamond in The Rough.  It's been a tough transition, but I'm muddling through it.

Thank you Olympics for FINALLY being over.  I haven't been to sleep before midnight in the last 2 weeks.  Why didn't someone tell me I'd be straining to stay awake to watch men in spandex outfits?

That's a wrap, lovers.  Make sure you find me on Facebook.  Not only do you get my blog everyday,  I send love and naughtiness through-out the day.

Random Tuesday -

I think when someone wins the Olympic gold medal, they should have to sing their national anthem after they receive their medal.  Just an idea for next time.

Every day, the Basketville Casket Company truck drives by our office.  Is it weird we noticed they were sending an extra large truck during the holidays?  Is it more weird we get a chuckle when it goes by?

I know you're all wondering what I think of the whole Tiger Woods thing. Well, I think he's full of shit.  Why is it serial cheaters always pull out the "I'm addicted to sex and I need help" excuse. Hello!  I'm addicted to sex.  I just don't go out and hook up with every penis that crosses my path.  Duh!  That's all I'll say on the subject. 

I've been thinking about kissing alot.  Remember when you were younger and kissing was such a big deal?  Then, you graduate to sex and kissing seems to take a back seat.  I plan to revisit this kissing topic at a later date. SMOOCH!

Lindsay Lohan has decided she's not a lesbian anymore. Um...who cares?

I hate politics and the news.  But, recently TH and I have become hopeless addicted to Rachel Maddows show on MSNBC.  She follows Keith Olbermann, who I believe to be totally insane, yet perfect for the news.  I can't get enough of him!  Rachel is totally fabulous and the first openly gay talk show host.  Between the two of them, I get the best views of the psychos in Washington DC and nearly die laughing.  People consistantly bad-mouth Rachel, yet she went to Oxford and carelessly tosses around words that I need a dictionary to understand.  You go girl!  If you have a chance, watch the video where she attended the CPAC conference.  I nearly wet my pants I laughed so hard..

That will probably be the last time you read anything about politics on my blog.  Unless the news is delivered in a funny, thought provoking way, I don't watch it.  I'm more of a Eonline.com kinda gal.  I don't care what you say, Brangelina IS news.

That's a wrap, lovers.  Stay warm tonight.

RTT - Major Douchebags, Hippos and Women Wood

I'm in love with this lunch place in Chatham, MA called "The Corner Store". They make the most fantabulous burritos and sandwiches on the entire planet. If you are ever in the area, call me and I will buy you one. It's like sex wrapped in a flour tortilla covered in romance. I was telling a friend about it and he said he would never eat there because one of the owners was gay. After mentally crossing him off my friend list and silently calling him a fucking, small minded homophobe, I asked "Why can't you eat there. Are you afraid the food is going make you gay?" He had no answer to this. The reason is - he's a major douchebag.

I have a new annoying habit. For some reason, I am now leaving the house without putting on deodorant. It is a mental block I cannot get past. I don't know how it's been removed from my morning routine. I get out of the shower, dry off, put on body lotion, put on face lotion and then I'm suppose to put on deodorant. But, I forget the step and go on with the rest of my morning routine. It is only when I'm driving to the office that I realize I've forgotten the pit stick. I've now started leaving deodorant everywhere - in the car, in my desk and an extra in my gym bag.

I hate when guys want you to say their name when you're about to cum. You're building up a good orgasm, you give the "I'm cumming" alert and just as you reach the top they say "Say my name, baby. Say my name!". Well, that just distracts me. I was picturing a shirtless Jake Gyllenhall and your face has popped into the mess.

How do you tell someone they look great if they've lost tons of weight. If you say, "Wow, you look fabulous" it's just like saying "Wow, you're no longer a hippo". But, if you don't say anything, you're the asshole who didn't notice. I see no way to win on this one. It's a lose lose situation.

In case you're wondering, I still hate Megan Fox and Leann Rimes. I have also added Faith Hill and Teri Hatcher to the list. Both of those bitches bug me.

I've found out that Oprah and I could totally hang! She loves corndogs too! Check out the video. She doesn't get nearly as excited as I do, but it's close.

You know how guys get a boner when they're horny or they see a naked chick...or the wind blows. What happens to women? We get nothing. Okay, maybe we get a tingle or two. But, we really got the short end of the stick on that one. Guys get this fabulous wood and we get nothing. I'm starting a petition. We women need our own wood.

Why do my friends and my mother call me during the day on my cell phone and expect me to chat with them. I use to answer because I thought it was an important call. Don't they realize I'm working? Hello Mcfly!

That's a wrap, lovers! Keep your panties off!

RTT - Mind Sluts, Sexual Harassment and Hating Eve

Have you ever sat at your desk for an hour and suddenly realized that you've accomplished absolutely nothing because you've been absorbed in the dramatic lives of the Kardashian sisters even though you really could care less about them and now you will never get that hour of your life back?

I am a mind slut. By the time I make my way from the front door of the gym to the yoga room, I've mentality slept with half the guys in the weight room and a few on the cardio deck.

I cannot believe that Kate Gosselin chick is only 1 1/2 year older than I am. I wonder if I look that old and tired and bitchy.

Fancy Pants and I have reached a new level of intimacy. He came up to me the other day, reach towards my face and plucked something off my chin. Apparently age is getting to me and I had a teeny, tiny wayward hair on my chin. (Don't look at me like that. You know you all have something that is similarly icky and weird. Jokes about my being a bearded lady are not welcome). After he did it, he went about his business like it was nothing. Then he asked me to help him pop a zit on his cheek (After careful inspection, I declared it "not ready to go") He is officially my office brother now. You don't do that kind of stuff with just anyone.

We found the offices' policies and procedures manual the other day and had a good laugh at the section on sexual harassment. According to the manual, we all should have been fired on the day we started and then brought up on charges.

Nothing is worse than when your period is late. Even though you've had all the warning signs - bloat, crankiness, the desperate need for something saltysweetchocolateycrunchiechewy, the sudden unexplainable urge to maim your boss and all your coworkers, more bloat, etc - and you know there is no way in hell you could be pregnant, there is still that tiny voice inside your head whispering "Baby...Baby!... BABY!!!!! YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!! NOW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO?????" Thankfully, after only a few hours of panic, Aunt Flo arrives. Your initial relief and joy is replaced by annoyance as you realize now you have to bleed for the next few days. Life is cruel sometimes. I blame Eve. Nosy cunt. Why didn't she just leave that friggin' apple alone and have a peach?

That's a wrap, lovers. Stay naked and naughty.

RTT - The Big 10 Inch and Unnatural Attachments To My Waxer

Yesterday, I spent 15 minutes staring at a ruler wondering just how big is "too big" for a penis. This waste of time was inspired by a comment I made about a guy I know. He is the biggest goober in the world and not all that attractive. His wife is absolutely beautiful and sophisticated. I'm convinced the only reason they're together is that he must have a 10 inch penis. After staring at the ruler, I've concluded that 10 inches is pretty darn big and might make things a bit uncomfortable.

You should know during the mindless activity above, I was listening to Bach. I'm not, if anything, a classy perv.

A note to parents who personally put their children on the bus every morning: School has been in session for more than a month now. It is not necessary to have a 20 minute conversation with the school bus driver EVERY morning. Do you see the crazy woman pointing and shaking her fist at you, sitting 5th in the line of cars stacking up behind the bus? That's me. I've got places to go. Please move.

The above comment does not make me a child hater or an asshole. If I was holding up traffic while chatting with someone you would be pissed off too. I just don't have a cute kid to wave at while I'm doing it.

I was sitting behind an elementary school bus the other day, when the kids in the back seat starting staring at me. I smiled and stuck out my tongue. Three of the brats stared to "shoot" me with their fingers. One of them even pulled off a very realistic machine gun. What the fuck? I'm pretty sure I'd just met the next Jeffrey Dalmer and Charles Manson.

There is a woman at my gym who always works out in a sports bra and gym pants. She has a fantastic body and looks amazing. The problem is, she's a cunt. When ever guys stare at her, she gets all pissed off and bitches to the gym staff. A word to the wise, honey. If you don't want the menfolk to oogle you, wear clothes. How come it's always the bitches that get the fabulous bodies.

I've been terrible about working out lately and I think things are starting to jiggle. It was TH's birthday on the 16th and we celebrated all weekend by eating as much as humanly possible. Burgers, bar-b-que, Mexican, brunch....we were gluttons. I'm starting a heavy work out schedule ASAP.

The Wax Nazi has gone to Germany for a month. I am freaking out. I never realized how attached I was to her. She even gave me her home number - just in case. She has become a sort of adoptive aunt. I miss her. My Wooha misses her too. We're both scared she may not come back. One of her clients is a vendor of mine. She's having the same problem I am.

That's a wrap, lovers.

RRT - Testicle Trees and Moist v. Damp

Avocado comes from "Ahuacuatl" which is from the Aztecs. Loosely translated means "testicle tree". The ancients thought the fruit hanging in pairs on the tree resembled the males testicles. The Aztec must of had some big ole balls. Avocados aren't small. So, the next time I'm angry at men, I'll make guacamole. Mashing those up with a fork will make me feel better.

I thought it would be fun to give TH a spontaneous lap dance while we were hanging out on the boat. After 10 seconds he made me stop. Apparently I lack finess. He said it was like getting a lap dance from a NFL linebacker.

Now, I'm thinking about guacamole. I think we'll have tacos for dinner tonight.

Does anyone want to go apple picking with me next weekend? For some reason, TH isn't really psyched about going? I think it's a guy thing.

One of our clients visited the office today. Although he is way too short for me, I think he's mighty fine. I get all excited when he comes in our office. After he left, Fancy Pants asked me if my panties were damp. I said no. Then he asked if my panties were moist, thus sparking the debate of which was more - moist or damp. After much thought and consulting the Oxford English Dictionary, we confirmed that they mean the same thing. In our office, it's important all sexual harassment is grammatically correct.

Does anyone really care about Jon and Kate anymore? I mean, really. Do ya?

TH and I did the nasty on our boat for the first time this weekend. I can't believe it's taken us three years to get that done. Of course, having his parents out with us most of the time has made it a bit difficult.

On Saturday, I participate in a Wellness Seminar. At the urging (READ: begging) of my psycho trainer, I took part in one of the demos. For 45 minutes, I was up on a stage doing a Body Pump class. Because of the audience, I decided to show off a bit. While do a set of skull crushers (triceps exercise), I managed to pull a muscle. For the past 2 days I've felt cripple. But, fear not. There were dozens of people videotaping. I bet I finally landed myself on Youtube!

That's a wrap, lovers.

Oh...and I should leave you with this piece of eye candy.

I just want to eat him for lunch. TH and I watched "Fast and the Furious" (the second one) last weekend. The closing credits had just started as I landed on TH. Poor man. He barely made it.

RTT - Post Sex Ickiness and True Love on Facebook

You know how in the movies people have sex moments after they wake up in the morning. How fucking unrealistic is that? When I wake up I need a few minutes to clear up the eye crusties, unload the gallon or so of urine my bursting bladder held for 6 hours and brush my nasty ass teeth. Then, and only then I will present myself to the Morning Wood. My morning breath would shrink the hardiest of boners.

I still hate Megan Fox. There. I've stated my case.....again.

If you live super far away from me (like in another county), I'll friend you on Facebook. I figure, if you cross an ocean to stalk me, it's gotta be true love and I have to meet you.

I need to know why men feel the need to have sex just after a woman has taken a shower. I know we smell all pretty and have a fresh, dewy quality to our skin but it's because we're CLEAN! - and we wish to stay that way. That is why we have just taken a shower. The other day, TH decided to "surprise" me in our walk-in closet minutes after I'd taken a shower. I'm all for morning nookie, but not when I don't have time to re-shower. I had to go to the office with "post-sex ickiness."

Speaking of the bathroom, we now have a woman leasing space in our building. Finally! The guys aren't allowed to use the ladies room anymore. This is an excellent development as I had another fit last week about the whole replacing the toilet paper roll thing.

Ben and Jerry's has a new ice cream flavor called "Cinnamon Bun". Caramel ice cream with caramel swirl and bits of cinnamon bun dough. Try it! It has been excellent foreplay the past couple nights.

There is this guy at my gym who is ginormous. I kid you not. He's like Shrek. I've always found myself wondering, "Hey, this guy is massive and wears size 16 shoes. I wonder how big his package is?". Well, last night I got my answer. He's dating (READ: fucking) on of the girls I know. She says he's just average. That information was such a let down. But, she admits he's very good in the sack. I congratulated her. I'm always happy to hear when someone is getting a quality lay.

That's a wrap, lovers! Stay naughty!

RTT - Pubic Hairs and Caucasian Rubbish

I don't know if I can watch the new seasons of "Girls Next Door". I was so in love with the first cast of whores that I would feel like I'm cheating on them. And besides, I HATE those twins. They are classless, Caucasian rubbish. (That is the PC term for "white trash".)

Yesterday, I spent the entire day with the Gloria Gaynor song "You Can Ring My Bell", running through my head. I continue to be amazed I was not admitted to a psych ward.

I don't know why Zeva didn't ask Tony if he loved her on the season premier of NCIS. After all, he was on truth serum. As you can see, I'm very upset about all this. If they don't fix this romance thing between them this season I'm going to explode. The sexual tension is killing me.

Last week, I was informed by one of the associates that there were pubes on the urinal again. Seriously guys, what do you think I'm going to do about this problem and why do you keep telling me about it.

If anyone knows how to get funky foot odor out of really nice shoes, please tell me. You know how you can make the mistake of wearing shoes with no socks on a hot day without using the "please don't let my feet sweat" foot spray? And then, your feet sweat like crazy making your shoes smell like swamp farts. Then, you wear them again and even though you remembered the "please don't let my feet sweat" foot spray, your feet still smell. I'm having that problem right now with a fabulous pair of Steve Madden heels.

I made the mistake of giving the trainer the gym my cell phone number. Now he texts me and tells me to get my fat ass to class. Last night, I was tricked into taking an extreme step aerobics class after an advanced yoga class. I thought he was harassing me into a body combat or body attack class. I have enough trouble remembering basic moves, let's just add an obstacle for me to jump on and off of.

My friend Dollface from the gym got engaged this weekend. Everyone, please feel happy for her. I was so happy that I hugged. We all know that I don't hug.....EVER! But, this was a big deal. She's a good girl.

My website will launch by the middle of October. I swear on my shoe collection and my toy collection. There. That should motivate me to FINALLY get the fucking thing launched.

That's a wrap, Lovers

RTT - I Get My Best Ideas While Naked

I cannot eat nonbreakfast foods (except for cold pizza) in the morning. For those of you that eat leftovers or lunch type items, I ask you this: WTF? That is gross!

I get some of my best ideas in the shower. I was shaving my legs this morning and came up with the solution to a huge problem just as I finished my right thigh. If I could be naked at the office, I would be running this joint. In reality, I am. I just don't get respect, a huge paycheck or credit.

Two weekends ago, I was driving back from visiting my grandmother and ran into a huge thunderstorm. It was raining so hard I couldn't see and I had to pull over into a rest area. All the other people were staring out their car windows at the storm. I was cleaning out my glove box. I hate sitting in a car with nothing to do. Five minutes later, I had jumped in the backseat and was tidying up there.

I love to see a guy driving a car with bumper stickers that say "Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History" or "Bless the Goddess" or "My Other Car is A Broom". It takes a mighty secure man to run errands in that estrogen plastered machine.

Note to Smokers: Alright, so I know that you have rights and all that. But, can you please, for the love of all that is holy, smoke somewhere not near me. There are reasons for "smoking areas". Not everyone wants to smell like a gnarly ashtray and give themselves lung cancer. And for the record, when the sign says "Thank you for not smoking", they mean you assmunch. Not the guy behind you or the chick on your left. YOU! So put out your fucking cigarette before I ram it up your ass.

Congratulations to TH and I. We celebrate our 2nd anniversary today. Two whole years of wedded bliss. It would have been a few years more if he'd gotten off his lazy lump and asked me to marry him sooner. But, I'm not bitter about that. Nosiree! Anywhoo.....we're gonna tear it up tonight - take out Mexican food and watching the season premier of NCIS.

Before all you ladies get a hair across your ass and start cursing out TH for not taking me some place special - just ease up. He took me to a U2 concert last night. Of course, the romance was spoiled by his parents sitting next to us.

That's a wrap, lovers

RRT - The Virgin Goddess, Zits & Bee's Make Me Horny

I don't understand why the pizza guy always thinks we have guests. Why wouldn't you order a large pizza with two toppings, a large steak & extra cheese sub, a large order of mozzarella sticks and a large order of garlic sticks for two people. Are you calling me a pig?

The tomato basil bisque at Lamberts Farm Market, Centerville MA is better than good foreplay. I'm just telling you this in case you're ever in the area and want to cum in your pants.

I figured one of the benefits of being married is you have a captive audience. Someone to share all of your discoveries. So, I don't understand why my husband doesn't want to share the awe, horror and disgust of an excellent new zit.

Speaking of zits, have you ever worked super hard to pop one and when you finally get it done you're secretly disappointed it's over. You know you have. Admit it.

I'm already torturing myself with thoughts of hosting Thanksgiving again this year. Remember the disaster last year? Right now, I'm pretending the holiday doesn't exist.

I miss the show "The West Wing". I wasn't really interested in politics until a few years ago. The West Wing was enough for me. Then I showed my utter ignorance when I confused something happening on the show with real life. Awkward moment.

I get horny watching the Nasonex commercial. The voice of the bee is Antonio Banderas. The man is a 9.5 on the damp panties scale.

Have you ever discovered a gigantic bruise and wondered how in the world it got there? I got out of the shower the other morning and saw an enormous bruise on my thigh. Now, I'm trying to figure out a what point a Mack truck ran into me. Of course, this has nothing to do with my lack of coordination and the fact I walk into objects all the time. This recent bruise is probably a result of walking into the corner of my desk. I do it three or four times a day when I'm rushing out of my office to unjam the copier before it erupts into a ball of flames from an associate trying to use it while it's jammed.

I have decided to go to the library to save money. My book budget is out of control because I read more books in a week than most people do in a year. After looking over my credit card statement from the last two months, I've concluded that I could feed a small nation on the amount I spent at the book store. Unfortunately, my town library is only open when I can't get there. If I find the time to grab a few books off the shelf, I can never get back there to renew them if I'm not done reading. Now I'm spending money on overdue fees. I just can't win.

And that's a wrap.

RTT - Kegels, Swans, & Ass Smacking Affection

There needs to be a separate line for people who buy lottery and scratch tickets. I'm late for work but I'm trying to buy a friggin' container of cream for the office and they're itching their ass at the front counter while saying "Okay...I'll have a number five, two number tens and a quick pick.....no, not that one....the one with the picture of the alligator on it....oh, wait....I have another dollar....gimme one of those tickets with the Red Sox logo. That otta be a winna." More often than not, these people look like they should be spending their money on clean clothes and not the State lottery.

Ben & Jerry's makes an orgasmic oatmeal cookie ice cream. I bought a pint and successfully mined out all the pieces of cookie. Now, we just have a pint of vanilla ice cream.

I get really excited when I see swans. I know that they are nasty creatures, but I always get a thrill from catching a peek of one on a pond or in the reeds. I think it's the kid in me.

People who wear golf shoes to a golf match they are not participating in are stupid. TH and I went to the Deutsche Bank TPC tournament on Sunday. What a snooty bunch of snots! But, I got to wear plaid capris and I tied a sweater around my shoulders. I felt like I was on the set of Caddyshack. TH and I were acting like the perfect proper couple until he decided to start smacking my ass every chance he got. I had complained he didn't show me enough affection in public. The ass-smacking was his answer. Oh well, beggers can't be choosy.

Have you ever noticed old people never look both ways before they pull out into traffic? They just shut their eyes, gun the motor and plow through the intersection.

The other day, I gave Fancy Pants a sly little smile as he walked into my office. When he asked why I was smiling, I told him I was doing my Kegels. He told me that information was inappropriate and that particular activity was for private time. I was disappointed he wasn't shocked. The poor boy has become numb to my antics. And why wouldn't I do my Kegels at the office?

I became an Aunt for the second time this past week. Bring on the "When are you guys gonna have a baby" pressure. I'm ready for it.

For all of you how emailed me about my biopsy results: I got the answer this morning. Everything is fine and my boobs are still too small. Okay, I added that last part. The doctor didn't say anything about the size of my boobs. I was just taking this opportunity to complain about it again.

iPod Shuffle of the Day.

1. Chrome Plated Heart - Mellissa Etheridge

2. Jump - Madonna

3. You Know You Want Me - Pitbull

4. Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson

5. Burn it to the Ground - Nickleback

6. Abracadabra - Steve Miller Band

7. Sound of Madness - Shinedown.

8. Conga - Gloria Estefan

9. Disco Lies - Moby

10. The Fixer - Pearl Jam

That's a Random Wrap, lovers

RRT - Donuts, Erectile Dysfunction and a Gay Club Mix

I'm usually a really cheerful person. But, last Friday was just an awful day. I was picking up a sandwich at my usual lunch spot and the woman behind the counter said to me, "Honey, why so sad today. You look like your doggy just died" I look at her and very blandly said, "Yes, she did." Ummmm.....awkward!

Today is our monthly staff meeting and I heard a rumor there will be no donuts served. I've never feel more strongly about quitting my job than right at this very moment. Those donuts are the only vice I have during that never ending meeting.

On Saturday, TH and I went out to our favorite blues club to grab a cheeseburger. It took us a few minutes to realize that we were the only hetrosexual couple in the joint. It took us another few minutes to realize that Melissa Etheridge was in town for a concert that night. (If you've never seen her live, do it! She's amazing!!!)

I love, love, LOVE Paula Dean. I want her to take me home and feed me stuff made of butter. Her warm Southern Accent, her fabulous house on the water and her even more fabulously hot sons (one is still single!!!!!) make her one of my favorite people.

Have you ever noticed how many TV commercials there are for toilet paper, erectile dysfunction medication and herpes medication? We are a very fucked up society. Every time the person on the herpes commercial says, "I have herpes" and the other person says "I don't and we want to keep it that way", I yell at the TV, "Than you should have worn a condom". TH hates watching TV with me sometimes.

Speaking of erectile dysfunction medication. You know when they say, "For an erection lasting longer that 4 hours, seek medical attention." Who the hell would wait that long? Sure, a 4 hour stiffy is great, but if TH had a boner for longer than 3 hours I would be carting him in to the emergency room, stat! His brain needs its blood back.

As soon as I friend someone on Facebook, I go and check out all their photos. I'm such a big snoop! People must be so disappointed if they do the same thing. I've got like 10 photos. I'm very boring that way.

I love internet radio. I recently found a new station on Yahoo called "Gay Club Mix" it is "a dance station that embraces your extraordinary fabulousness". Wouldn't you know it, they play tons of Cher.

I would like to thank everyone for their kind comments, emails, letters and phone calls about my beloved pooch. I'm still broken hearted, but slowly making it day by day

RRT - Dead Bodies, My Twins, Loud Farts and a Sweat Mustache

Am I the only one worried they haven't buried Michael Jackson yet? It's been like a month already. It's not like he's gonna stay fresh or anything.

I really need to stop being a VinDiesel fan on Facebook. Every time one of his assistants posts something for him, I think he's talking just to me. Once reality hits, it's such a slap in the face. I am so pathetic.

There are somethings in our relationship that TH and I just don't share. For me, it's farting. I have never just rip in front of him. Sure, the accidental ones slip thru and I do the cough thing and change the subject. But lately, TH has been making up for lost time. And when he farts, he likes to blame it on the dog. I told him, there is no way in hell he could get that by me (except for the silent but deadly ones. Those are hard to place). He's a big guy, therefore, LOUD farts. Seriously, lovers. He has woken me up from a dead sleep. I thought we were in the middle of a thunderstorm. I told him if those farts were from the dog, the it would have exploded upon execution.

The other day, a guy was stumbling across my office parking lot drinking a beer. (Before you think, "Hey, that's happens in my city all the time", you need to realize that this is Cape Cod. That doesn't happen here, EVER). Fancy Pants and I were staring my office window at him, when he stopped, bent over and puked right in front of the window. Apparently, he'd just had spaghetti a few hours before.

My mother has decided I'm going to have twins. She's even named them for me: Gwendolyn Helen and Charlotte Eva. I wonder if she would like to carry them for me and pay for their college education as well. I swear, every time I turn around the woman has me knocked up. Just a few months ago, she would pale at the thought of being a grandmother. Suddenly, she's decided it would be fun and is making up for lost time with excess badgering.

The summer is almost over and TH finally installed the air conditioners last Thursday. Now, we can enjoy them for a whole 3 weeks until we have to take them out for the fall. The only way TH can sleep comfortably is for the temperature to hover around 59 degrees. I'm back to wearing flannel pj's to bed. The complaint that my bedroom attire is "less than sexy" should come within the next few days.

Speaking of fall, I'm ready. Between the excessive rain and unbearable humidity, I'm done with summer. I'm tired of walking out the door and getting a sweat mustache before I even get to my car. My hair has been unmanageable and I am tired of doing the sniff test of my armpits after only 5 hours. This weather challenges the most powerful of deodorants.

RRT - Prostituting Myself, Pussy Cats & Lee Ann Rimes Is A Skank

This weather blows. I know we were complaining when it rained all the time. Now we're complaining that it's hazy, hot and humid. It's oppressive. We don't have central A/C at Casa de Mistress Serena and I hate how loud the window units are. So, we've been toughing it out for the past couple days.

Have you ever spoken on the phone with someone who has a British accent only to find yourself unconsciously mimicking their accent after awhile. Very embarrassing. The woman actually stopped talking for a second and asked me if I was from the UK. I told her it must have been a bad connection.

Have you ever noticed that when you eat something extremely fattening, you must follow it up with a dessert that has an equal or greater number of calories than the meal?

Last Friday I need chocolate so bad I was willing to prostitute myself to anyone in the office if they would run to the store and get me a gourmet candy bar. Thankfully, no one was around for me to ask and I saved myself the humiliation and possible sexual harassment suit.

I had a cavity filled this morning. The dentist decided to take the "better be safe, than sorry " route with the Novocaine, thus numbing the entire right side of my face, including the right side of my tongue. For 3 hours afterwards, I looked like a stroke victim and I even drooled a bit. I couldn't answer the phone and all the associates kept trying to make me say "pussy cat" which came out as "puthy that" Then they would laugh and I would tell them to "Thut the Thuck Up".

My mother informed me that there will be a huge family party in Ohio when we arrive for the triathlon on Friday. My sister and I are in training and will not be able to drink. So I've decided we should get my mother drunk instead. Drunk Mom is hysterical!

We will be staying at my grandparents gorgeous lake house in Jackson, Ohio for one night. My grandparents are super healthy and eat things that even I won't touch - like Bran Nuts (EWW!!!) I told my mother I'm packing a box of pasta just in case. I'm sure my aunts house in Cleveland will have food.....I hope.

I am thrilled that Lee Ann Rimes and her husband split up. Dirty bitch! You leave another womans husband alone! Forget the fact that you are a terrible actress and ruined a fabulous Nora Roberts character. I know it takes two to tango, but you're still a whore.

That's a wrap, lovers!

Random Tuesday Thoughts - The Madness Continues

Have you ever looked really closely at your keyboard and mouse only to realize how filthy they both are. The top portion of my mouse wheel has a bunch of crud on it from who knows where. I tipped my keyboard upside down ('cuz I read that's a good way to clean it) and I swear a french fry, a piece of bacon and a bunch of miscellaneous crumbs fell out along with a bunch of other stuff I couldn't identify. I've decided I need to have a brand new keyboard and mouse. I'm too skeeved out by my old ones.

Do not try to snap a CD in half before you throw it away. It may look really cool on TV, but in real life, the thing shatters into a million pieces. I'm still picking them out of my hands.

I decided to "like" Vin Diesel on my Facebook page. (In reality, I routinely lust after this hot hunk of prime man meat) I logged on the other day to see a "message" from him on my wall. For about 13.6 seconds I thought he sent me a message. Then I realized this was part of a message feed from his fan page on Facebook. I spent the next hour flogging myself for actually thinking Vin Diesel would message me. I am a silly, silly girl.

I just saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and I loved it. I was the one who dragged TH to the theater. There is something about those kinds of movies that I love. I can't wait to see G.I. Joe. Of course the fact that Channing Tatum is in the movie doesn't help matters. He's my #2 hot guy after Vin Diesel. I almost cried when he got married last week. Another one bites the dust.

I spent an hour of my life on the "Joy Fit Club" website looking at before/after pictures of really fat people who had lost over 100lbs and reading their stories. I love that shit. I'm so proud of these people it makes me teary eyed.

I don't like Megan Fox because I'm jealous of her. Yes, I realize that it's petty, mean and above all, completely immature. I don't care. She's thin, beautiful, famous and has a perfect rack. I can hate her. It's my right as an American.

Do you ever get mad when you are eating an amazing meal and you're too full to finish it? I stuffed myself with this fabulous sandwich and I was so full, I couldn't finish it. That made me bullshit.

One of the offices in our complex uses a mobile shredding company. Every two weeks, the shredders show up in their ginormous truck and shred bags and bags of documents. Most of the time they park in front of my office window. One of the guys is very cute and I like to watch him haul the heavy bags while I'm eating my lunch. It's great entertainment. For the past couple weeks, they've been parking in the front of the complex and I can't see them from my office. I walked out to run an errand and there was the cute guy. I plastered on my best pout and said "Hey, you guys usually park over by that side. How come you changed? I liked to watch the shredding." He said, "Well, if we park here we don't have to carry the bags as far. But, if you want we can start parking over on your side again". Damn! I've still got it! All it takes is a skirt, heels and a perfectly practiced pout. Resistance is futile!

I don't care what you say, lowfat cottage cheese is gross. I love regular cottage cheese, but that watered crap is like sewage.

Here's this weeks shuffle. I really need to get more tunes on my iPod. It holds something like 1 million songs and I only have 195 on there.

1. Something in your Mouth - Nickleback
2. Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas
3. You'd Better Wait - Steve Perry
4. Faith in The Heartland - Journey
5. Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie
6. Strawberry Wine - Pat Benatar
7. New Divide - Linkin Park
8. Erotica - Madonna
9. Master of Puppets - Metellica
10. Break the Ice - Britney Spears (Damn! Almost made it with out embarrassing myself!)

That's a wrap, lovers!

RTT - I Have No Snappy Title For This One.

• TH and I have reached a new level of intimacy. Remember how I blabbed on and on about his habit of spending WAY to much time in the bathroom and how it drove me crazy. Well, now I just don't care anymore. If he's been in there for more than 15 minutes and I need something in there, I just go on in and get it. So far, he hasn't said anything about it.
• I'm convinced boursin cheese is the food of the Gods. You could schmere it on asphalt and I would eat it up. I put some on a burger this weekend and nearly came in my pants after the first bite.
• Team Triathlon Training Update: Last week I ran in two road races. Both were 5K's. Both were fucking hard! I'm running in another race this Saturday for 4.81 miles.
  I curse my father the entire last mile of every race because he has it in his head that we're gonna win this stupid thing. Gee, no pressure there Dad. He is delusional mental case. I now have a race every Saturday until the big day.
• My website is almost finished. I swear, this time it's really happening. My launch date is July 31. WooHoo!!!
• There will not be any naked photos of me on the website. Don't even ask.
• Fancy Pants has decided to go Part Time for the summer. I am trying not to throw myself out a window on the Monday's and Friday's he's not here. We text when we miss each other. He is my buffer from the crazies in this office.
• Have you every listened to someone talk and actually feel the urge to vomit. The amount of bullshit that spews forth from some of these guys mouths makes me queasy inside. I almost got caught fake gagging the other day.
• I am getting those email spam messages from the "Lonely Horny Wives" site. It's something about wives who aren't getting enough at home and are seeking to get it on with someone else. I am sure that these wives don't look anything like those girls in the pictures. Yeah. That's right. I looked. It was lunch time and I was curious.
• I'm one of those people that is annoyingly and extremely healthy. But, my mother has a type of chronic leukemia. As a result, any teeny, tiny thing that pops up on my health scan needs to be addressed with avengance. I'm always getting tested, poked and probed for something or another. Unfortunately, these tests are of the "feminine persuasion". Just once I would like to walk into the gyno's office and say "I'm here to be violated and humiliated again! Now, where's my favorite chair with the stirrups! Giddee Up!"

And just because my favorite blog pimp Badass Geek was so disappointed I omitted the iPod shuffle last week, this ones for you babe!
1. Careless Whisper - Seether
2. Rescue Me - Pat Benatar
3. E Mi Manchi Tu - Andrea Bocelli
4. Slave to the Music - Nick Skitz (this is a repeat)
5. Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
6. Come Rain or Come Shine - Bette Midler
7. Up All Night - Hinder
8. Sober - Pink
9. Over and Over - Nelly & Tim McGraw (Tim makes my panties damp)
10. I Wanna Be A Cowboy - Boys Don't Cry (can't go wrong with a horse named Ted)

That's a Random wrap, lovers.

RTT - Underwear, Batteries and Other Bullshit

The other day, one of the associates in my office was looking for AAA batteries. I took out my purse, removed the batteries from my travel vibrator and promptly gave them to him. No, I didn't do it in front of him. He was very impressed with my sacrifice.

Do not post a negative Facebook status if your boss is one of your "friends". I had a minor meltdown last Wednesday, posted something about needing a change and Partner #1 came flying in my office the next day asking if I was alright. He thought I was thinking about quitting. Was I? He'll never know.

I told Fancy Pants I was thinking about buying a glass sex toy 'cuz I don't have on yet. He told me I should put it in the freezer before I use it. I still haven't gotten over that comment. What have I done to the poor boy. He was so sweet and innocent when I first met him. Now, he's giving me sex tips.

TH and I were lying in bed the other night. He turned to me and said, "Are these yours?" and held out one of my thongs. I guess it had gotten caught in the sheets when I did the laundry. (Damn you static cling). I frowned at him and said "You'd better hope they're mine or we need to have a talk". Who elses did they think the were? The man will do anything to fantasize about me having a lesbian affair.

Why is it when I eat a donut during an office meeting everyone looks at me like I'm ingesting toxic waste? Meanwhile, they're all stuffing their pieholes as fast as they can. I exercise four times as much as them. I think I can handle a donut.....or two. Especially if they are the homemade kind from "The Hole" in Orleans, MA. Mmmmmmmmm. Tasty.

I bought my first clementis plant this weekend. I want to train this vine to trail all over my mailbox. I'm determine to have one of those yards that people drool over when they drive by. TH is in charge of installing the new mailbox. He has decided that our mailbox is going to be bright purple and numbers will be decals from race car numbers. Apparently he has decided to go the redneck route and not the beautiful yard route. But, marriage is about compromises. I'm hoping that within a year the vine will have grown so much that it covers the entire mailbox.


BTW, I think "clementis" sounds like a STD. When I asked the guy at the nursery where they were kept, I snickered. Please forgive me. My maturity level stands at 14 years old today.


That's a wrap, lovers.

RTT - As Random as Random Can Be

• This whole wearing no panties thing is great until I go to the doctor. When the nurse says "Take off everything except your underwear" I have to tell her I'm not wearing any panties. Then she gives me the hairy eyeball look that says "Hussy!". I've taken to keeping a pair in my purse for these awkward moments.
• Speaking of purses, what is it with these girls and their ginormous purses. I know huge purses are all the rage, but why do you have to bring it everywhere? I was at a bar and a bunch of girls were dancing on the dance floor. Their purses were so big they looked like they were dancing with suitcases. Everytime one of them turned, they would smack the other with their purse. Why do you need a purse in a bar anyway?
• Pink Floyd is one of the most depressing bands EVER! Just listening to them makes me want to mainline Prozac.
• I do not like ice in my beverages. I need them to be chilled only. I also drink my water at room temperature and I don't like it chilled. I am a picky bitch.
• I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "If you're going to ride my ass, at least play with my hair." The driver was a young girl. I found myself being proud and horrified at the same time. Gawd! I'm getting old.
• My job requires me to have memberships for dozen of websites. I'm not a super technical person by nature. But, if there is a bug in the programing I will find it. Not intentionally. I just have a knack for coming across problems. Tech support HATES me!
• I'm also that person ahead of you in the grocery line that grabs the item that will not scan and has no price tag.

My iPod slush is as follows:
1.Welcome to the World - Kevin Rudolf
2. Piece of My Heart - Jan Wayne
3. This Ones For the Girls - Martina McBride
4. I'm Shipping Up To Boston - Dropkick Murphys
5. Slave To the Music - Nick Skitz
6. Now that We Found Love - Heavy D & the Boys
7. The Choice is Yours - Black Sheep
8. Gloria - Laura Branigan
9. Push It - Salt-N- Papa
10. Je Cherche Un Homme - Eartha Kitt

That's a wrap, lovers. The long awaited "rabbit" review is tomorrow. I've worn myself out on this one.

Random Tuesday Thoughts - IS IT OVER YET???

• I would like to discover the person who added "in sickness and in health" to the marriage vows. When I find them, I will force them to spend time with TH next time he has the flu. Seriously, lovers, the man is making me crazy. He has been sick for 3 days now. I have waited on him hand and foot, bowed to his every whim and he is still complaining. Do you think he will remember this wifely pampering the next time I'm sick? No siree. He'll just get takeout 'cuz I'm too sick to cook and tell me to feel better.
• I've just gotta tell you that things totally suck right now. I will not blog about it, but I'm a cranky, moody bitch.
• I ran my first 5K this past Saturday and I ran the entire thing without stopping! Of course, my time sucked royally and that is why I'm not posting it. Although, I might have done better if I hadn't taken a 1 hour Body Pump class, then a 1 hour kickboxing class and mowed my lawn before the race. I am an exercise psycho.
• Oh, and I should mention that I ran for a team that was sponsored by a local upscale lingerie store. I even got a fun tshirt. I told the owner that we should have run in bras. My suggestion was met by a very cool look and a stern "No". Okay, okay....not everyone digs my sense of humor.
• If one more person call my office and says "Hi, this is (insert name here). Your number is on my phone and you just called me" I will personally find and disembowel them. Nothing irritates me more than a someone not listening to their voicemail before returning a call. Or better yet, there is no voicemail and they're just calling to find out who called them. Instead of sweetly saying "I'm sorry Sir/Madam, but we have 15 associates in this office. Are you working with someone or might you know the name of the person who may have phoned you? Maybe it was a misdial" I would like to say "Listen douchebag, there is at least 15 fucking people here. Why don't you be less of a jackass and listen to the voicemail that was left instead of being a lazy fuck and just calling back and bothering me. No, I will not walk around the office and ask 15 people if they might have called you. Go fuck yourself". Wow, that felt really good. I just might try that today.
• Seeing that TH is out of commission, I am incredibly randy. Because he hasn't left the bedroom in 3 days, I haven't had a chance to fix the "problem". The bedroom is where all my toys are stored at the moment. I keep trying to sneak one out, but even in his delirium, he sees me. Of course, it didn't help that he was a total rock star last Thursday night before he came down with the plague. The man is a living God. I know I tell you this all the time, but seriously - he is amazing. I keep asking him if he's feeling better - both for my sanity and libido.

Here's my iPod on shuffle:
1.Get Stoned - Hinder
2. Pocketful of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield
3. Cry For You - September
4. Maneater - Nelly Furtado
5. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
6. It's a Ruse - Rosey
7. Just Dance - Lady GaGa
8. Bring on The Day - Charlotte Martin
9. Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit
10. L' Incontro - Andrea Bocelli & Bono

That's a random wrap, lovers.