Masturbation. I talk about it all the time. In here, with my friends, with perfect strangers I meet at sex shops who are there just to oogle at the merchandise and are shocked to find themselves having a conversation with a crazy blond women who is creaming herself as she describes the fantastic features of the toy they are pretending they don’t want to buy. (the crazy blond woman is me, by the way). Personal pleasure is important. Self-gratification is fabulous. Apparently, it’s been around since the dawn of the dinosaurs.
I give you, Exhibit A. The Stone Age penis.
Found a few weeks ago in Sweden, the press has been all atwitter over this carved piece of bone. Super smart archeologists found their minds trolling the gutter, searching for a use for this phallic shaped shaft. It’s strange the first thing that came up was a dildo. I know size isn’t the most important thing. But, if I was a prehistoric chick craving a quickie and there was no man in sight, I think I would have made my wonderwand a tad larger. After all, it must have taken a horny chick hours and hours to fashion such a piece. First, she had to make a weapon to kill the deer. Second, she had to kill the deer. Third, get the antler off the deer. Maybe she’d need a nap or a snack right about now. I don’t know about you, but I’d like a quick nosh and a snooze after all that activity. How’s some fire roasted venison sound? Finally, she’d have to carve up that antler and get rid of the sharp edges. I bet she was one frisky lady after all this drama over a toy that today, we can walk down to your friendly neighborhood smut shop and purchase for $29.95.
Frankly, I’m not buying it. After looking at this bone for a few minutes and doing a little mind flip thru my penis gallery (this took more than a few minutes), I stumbled upon a thought that had nearly had me scream “Eureka!” Who the hell was doing circumcisions back than? Clearly, this is an uncut dick. Those dirt diggers need to read up on their Sex 101 and look at a few prehistoric Playgirls. I’m guessing this was some sort of handle or pestle.
Boys….leave the toys to the experts. Next time you’re at a dig site and you think you’ve found a prehistoric dildo, please call me first. Don’t go on MSNBC. I’ll just make fun of you and you’ll end up smearing the pages of my blog.
For those who want to read the full article, click here.