Friday, September 23, 2011

The Husband Finally Gets His Fantasy....Sort Of.

My husband is a pig.  Really.  I wouldn't lie to you.  He is one of the more perverse men I know.  Which is why I love him dearly and relish his unique charms and faaaaabulous skills. But sometimes he annoys the ever lovin' shit outta me with his obsession with lesbians.  Really.  I wouldn't lie to you.

Just like most red-blooded heterosexual men, my husband loves lesbians.  Lesbian porn, the thought of lesbians, the thought of ME with the lesbians...I could go on forever.  Every single time I tell him about a night out with the girls, he always like to throw in a little extra thought:

Me:  So we hung out at Shanna's house, had a few glasses of wine and chatted.

Him:  Then you guys all went down on each other?

It's all in good fun, but he never gets it right.  None of my friends are lesbians.  We don't go down on each other and if one of us happens to get naked, it's because we're trying on a dressing a store.  In addition to that, The Husband doesn't find any of my friends attractive.  So, even if they were lesbians, his fantasy would be ruined. 

Until last week.....

Last week, I had the fortunate pleasure to dine with Ms. Stuck On Cape Cod and her lovely friend...let's call her the Opera Singer.  We all had lunch at Bleu in Mashpee.  This was the first time I'd met Ms. SSOC.  We'd connected thru blogging/Facebook and set up a time to meet.  She is adorable, funny, and super classy in an Audrey Hepburn way.  We had interesting talks (I'm not sharing, it was girl talk....but some of  it had to do with sex....ok....most of it).  After going thru the introductions and talking about a few scandalous topics, I came to find out the Opera Singer....let me rephrase that....The Gorgeous Opera a lesbian.

Well, this was great!  Obviously, this news doesn't affect me at all.  I digest that information like someone telling me their zodiac sign, religion, or favorite shade of green.  BUT, The Husband, he was going to be over the moon.  Finally, his wish came true.  One of my girl get-togethers included one of his favorite things....a hot, sexy lesbian.

I told him as soon as I got home.  He spent the next 30 minutes Googling her YouTube video's and articles written about her.  Then, I told him nothing exciting happened.  All we did was drink champagne, eat lunch, chat about sex and check out some clothing at the Gap until we said our goodbyes. No one went down on anyone.  There wasn't even a good french kiss.

He seems disappointed, but not totally deflated.  Part of his fantasy had come true.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

In Marriage, It's Important To Share

On of the great things about marriage is you have a "captive" audience.  Some one you can share the trials and tribulations of life.  In short, it's like having your best friend trapped in your home. They have to listen to everything you say.  Sometimes thoughts just pop out of my head and into my mouth. I have no edit button. These spontaneous bursts of whimsy shouldn't shock him. He loves me for who I am right? He knew what he was getting into when he married me. He had an adequate vesting time. (Ahem....8 years).  During our dating years, I didn't act like your typical woman who hides all her flaws only to pull off the cuteness mask 4 days after the honeymoon to reveal the domineering bitch laying dormant until she felt a wedding band slide on her finger.  I layed all my faults out on the table - my low self-esteem, my obsession with bald men (VinDiesel/Jason Statham), my desire for new boobs, my love of snobby food, my love of sex, my obsession with gay porn ectera, ectera.  There were no secrets.  He married the real me.

Gentlemen, I know you're surprised when I pull out an idea and you're all like "My wife doesn't do that" or "She doesn't think that way" or my favorite "There is no way she would do that".  Whatevs!  We both know I'm right.  So, to help you out (an all the newbies who just started reading my ramblings), here is a quick list of the things women think and do, but don't want to tell you about:

-We have bowel issues.  In short, we poop. We don't like to sit in the bathoom for hours, stewing in our stench like you, but we still have to go.
-We wonder about anal sex and have experimented with our finger. It's easier than asking you to experiement.  Most of us are embarassed about it.  Obviously, I'm not.
-We burp and fart.  Yup, we rip 'em out.  Mostly to amuse ourselves.
-We're looking thru your stuff. We can't help it.
-Our feet smell.  Most of us don't wear socks and feet sweat.  What do you think the outcome would be?
-We're watching you when a hot girl walks by and waiting to catch you watching too.
-We tell our girlfriends all the stuff you tell us not to. It's in our DNA to gossip.
-We examine ourselves - sometimes in the mirror.  Our parts do more than yours.  Sometimes we have to check it out and make sure everything's ok down there.
-We have the same gross health afflictions as you - athletes foot, bad breath, hemorrhoids etc.  Nothing escapes us.
-We feel ourselves up. You like to feel them.  So do we.  Boobs are fun.
-We've picked our nose, teeth etc.
-We sometimes think your penis looks gross. Not that our equipment looks pretty, but your dick is not as attractive as you think it is.  It's called manscaping.  Get out the scissors and trim up that fuzz!!!
-We've tasted ourselves. We wanted to see what all the fuss is about and make sure we don't taste like you.  I've told ya once, I'm gonna tell ya again.  Those porn girls are lying when they say cum tastes awesome.  It's not a trip to the gourmet buffett.  We do it for you.  Appreciate it.
-We're thinking about sex with the guy at the next table while we're at dinner with you. Don't seem shocked.  You're thinking about banging the girl he's with.
-We watch porn or read "porn like" books.
-We think about sex all the time. Sometimes it's not good thoughts. But we're thinking about it.

It's not a complete list, but is enough to get you started.  We're not perfect.  We try to be. But we're just like you. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

All About Me...

I've got lots of new fans.  Welcome to my naughty little world.  So, I thought I'd give you a quick list of silly and real things about me....ya get to know me better.  If you're a regular at this site, well, it's a nice review.  It's a chance to say, "Hey, that's why I love her so much!"

1).  I'm married.  I know, it's a shame.  But, he's a stud and I'm happy.  No, I will not share.
2).  I hate chicken and I hate peanut butter.  I know it's un-American, but they're both nasty. (And not in a Rocco kinda way.  If you get that joke, you are my favorite)
3).  I bake when I'm stressed, mad or sad.  Upon entering my house, you may see piles of cookies, breads and assorted baked goods.  If that's the case, stay away from me.
4).  I love the Blue Collar Comedy channel on XM Radio.  Redneck humor is the bomb!
5).  I can hook up a computer system but my iPhone continues to confuse me.
6).  I hate my job.  Even more than the one at Satan's Workshop (old job)
7).  I have a cat named Willie.
8).  I'm obsessed with Adam Lambert because he reminds me of a guy I was in love with in 5th grade.  He was in 8th grade and everyone thought he was gay.
9).  I have an orgasm every time I walk into DSW.
10).  I have a tiny slit in the tip of my tongue that makes it look forked if I bite t real hard. No, I do not look like a snake or lizard.  You can't tell unless I show you..  No, I will not show you.
11).  I like gay porn.
12).  I collect piggy banks & antique cookbooks.
13).  I have a thing for gourmet chocolate.
14).  I don't drink alone.
15).  I own a Sybian
16).  I still have my 6th place overall gymnastics trophy from 1987.  It's in a place of honor on a shelf about my desk next to my book on "The Art of Love" (It's a first edition!)
17).  Other books on my shelves include Wiccan spell books, books on beekeeping, sex books, psych books and autobiography of Pat Benatar.  I like to shock guest with my bizarre reading habits.
18).  My favorite book is "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee. It's on the shelf too.
19).  I cannot make a cup of coffee to save my life.
20).  While we're on the subject of coffee, I think Dunkin Donuts tastes like watered down sludge.  Gross!
21).  I get incredibly turned on watching my husband work. 
22).  I've had a beta fish for over a year and he refuses to die.  He creeps me out, but my mother gave him to me, so I've got to keep him.
23).  I'm running the Cleveland 1/2 marathon next year.
24).  I refuse to answer my phone line at work.  If you want to talk to me, leave a message. I'm busy.
25).  Corndogs should be served everywhere.  They are ambrosia to me.
26).  I've been told my best feature is my hair (followed closely by my ass and my eyes).  It's annoying when people run up to me, try to touch it and tell me how beautiful it is. - my hair, not my ass.  Although, that happens sometimes as well.
27). I have eclectic taste in music.  For example, here's a 10 song shuffle on my iPod:
       -Who's That' Girl - Madonna
       -Savin' Me - Nickleback
       -Blood, Red Sky - Judas Priest
       - Pachelbel Cannon in D - Hilary Stagg
       -I Like The Way - Bodyrockers
       -Prayer - Disturbed
       -Rolling in the Deep - Adele
       -Hell is For Children - Pat Benatar
       -Telephone - Lady Gaga
       -Crow and the Butterfly - Shinedown.
28).  I drink tea in the afternoon.  Not the Tetley crap.  I like the good stuff.  Teavana is my mecca.
29).  I have a degree in Criminal Justice, but I've never used it.
30).  I've done some nude modeling.  There is a painting of my back hanging in some guys house.  It was hanging in the Naked Oyster on Main Street, Hyannis until he purchased it.
31).  I crave 1/2 sour pickles.
32).  Calvin & Hobbes cartoons make complete sense to me.
33). I like omelets for dinner not breakfast.
34).  Big trucks are sexier than sports cars.
35).  You should always send a thank you note.
36).  My best friend Josh knows everything about me.  I've never kept a secret from him. 
37).  I sexually harass my assistant.  He loves it.  Who else can I tell about menstrual cramps, cravings and unshaved legs.  We've been together for 4 years.  He's use to me.
38).  Fall is my favorite season.
39).  I eat soup for lunch almost every day.
40).  I would love to change places with Madonna for one day.

Anything else you want to know?  Just ask.  It's not like I'd hold back.