The other day, I read an article about Hollywood stars who shy away from the spotlight. In other words, they don't put themselves up for display (Ahem, Tori Spelling you dirty whore) by frequenting the places where the paparazzi (Ahem, Kim Kardashian you mind-numbingly vapid fame slut) and other media types hang out. They're not attention whores. (I'm looking at you Denise Richards, you no talent living off Charlie Sheens crazy ass behavior while you have so much plastic surgery you can barely blink).
Maybe that's what I've been up to lately. Hanging back from the spotlight. I've gained a few pounds (READ: 10) and I'm not feeling as perky as I have been. It's a shame. A damn shame. After my exit from Satan's workshop, I have been wallowing in my misery as I work tirelessly and miserably at the new job. I miss everything about the hellhole I use to work at. If I could have it all back, I would clean Partner #3's private bathroom with a toothbrush every day. Yes, lovers. The new job is worse than cleaning Lucifers skid marks.
The real wake up was this past weekend. I was in my funk, feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party. Just me and a fabulous plate of truffle oil Parmesan french fries. (Grease and I have become best buddies these past couple of months.) Gawd they were good! Truffle oil makes everything yummy. I was trolling Facebook and came across a photo of myself taken at a road race. (Yes, I was able to run a road race with my new found fat. I jiggled a bit, but I cross the finish line). The photo bitched slapped me across the face and called me Kirstie Alley (before Dancing with the Stars). There I was....puffy, pale and sad. A huge change from my cute, perk self only a year ago when I ran the same race.
So, Lovers, I pledge to you, myself and VinDiesel (for he is going to be my second husband and I can't bear the thought of being a fat, sad wife to him) - these things:
1). I shall renew my formerly fabulous figure.
2). I shall stop neglecting you....all 6 of you....who consistently write me and say "Where the fuck are you?"
3.) I shall give you more recipes. I've been eating all this shit, I might as well make you fat too.
4.) I shall bring back the kink, the naughty, the nice, the twisted and the sauciness I desperately miss.
5). I will stop wearing panties. I'm so ashamed of myself.
6.) I can't think of anything else right now, but we can think of some thing later for #6.
Later, lovers. Thanks for listening and being there for me. My love handles thank you too.