Saturday, October 29, 2011

I Could Be Your Sleep Aid

It wasn't until a few years ago, I began having trouble sleeping.  Maybe it's the stress of the job, my age or my addiction to the Food Network combined with my inability to stop watching a show even though it's 2:30 AM and I have to get up at 6 AM.  I truly could not tell you why I'm plagued with insomnia.  I've tried everything, hot liquids, extensive masturbation, (ya know, because it's been proven after an orgasm, the release of endorphins acts as a natural tranquilizer that relaxes you) boring books - nothing works.  Yoga has been the best medicine. After a week of yoga classes, I sleep like a newborn between feedings.  I'm not into new age hooey, but that shit works for me.  But, the job hasn't allowed me the freedom to enjoy a downward dog with a side of warrior.  So, I'm back to roaming the halls until the wee hours.

The Husband could sleep thru anything.  It takes less than 15 minutes from the time his head hits the pillow until he's enjoying a peaceful REM cycle. The entire Notre Dame marching band could parade into our bedroom, play two or three songs, then parade out and he wouldn't hear a thing.  He snores like a freight train with ungreased axles and hogs 3/4 of the bed at any given hour. 

Thankfully, there are some nights I start to feel sleepy at a reasonable hour (and there's nothing on the Food Network that interests me or I've see all the reruns of Sex and The City).  The Husband is in bed with his laptop watching YouTube videos, porn, something with guitars or whatever because he's not tired.  I snuggle down into my pillow, roll over to my left side, tuck my legs up slightly and slowly start to relax.  I'm 95% there.  I've almost crested the hill to dreamland and I'm about to go thru the gates....

It is at this very moment The Husband decides he's horny and maybe we should have some sex.

Now, before you get all up in my face about I've told you how much I love sex and I like to have it anytime, any place, yada, yada, YADA - let me tell you, I was ready and willing 10-15 minutes before my head hit the pillow.  In fact, he'd had the 2-3 hours before the 10-15 minutes to decide to do the deed.  I was ready, willing and able.  Now, I'm trying to sleep.  Just because he's not tired and wants to sleep doesn't give him the right to turn me into his own personal dose of Ambien. I will tell you, that's exactly what he's doing.  He's bored of YouTube, there's nothing on TV, he needs to get up early, why not bang the wife and get those endorphins.

Well, I took one for the team.  It took me 5 minutes to fully wake up.  As always, I enjoyed it.  He's a stud, the man, all that and a bag of chips.

It's been 15 minutes since the final orgasm.  The 200 decibel snoring has begun and there is a giant, muscled, hairy leg in my area of the bed.

I'm wide awake.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Just 'Cause I'm On A Diet Doesn't Mean I'm Dead.

I flirt shamelessly.  I sass the pizza guy for discounts on my weekly pie, I pout at the owner of the deli to get free cookies (he's gay and it still works!), and I use my phone sex voice when I need something from guy on the phone.  I admit, it gives me a secret thrill to have a sexual power over these guys.  TH calls it sex as a weapon and admonishes me when I do it.  It doesn't make him mad.  He just says it's not fair.  I'm silently promising something these men will never get.  They know it. I know it.  It's all in good fun and TH gets extra pizza.  We all win.

I was reading this article on The Huffington Post yesterday.  (LINK)  It was about a couple who kept their marriage fresh by harmless flirting.  Now, I have to say they were a bit more extreme than I would be.  I would never go over a persons house to help them get bread out of a pan and stay for cocktails.  But, I indulge myself with some back and forth every day or so.  You've seen me do it on my Facebook page.  Do I meet up with these guys and have hot illicit affairs?  Hell No!  I have a gorgeous, sexy, amazing husband in my bed (sometime on the couch).  I have no room or need in my life for another penis.  But, it never stops me from playing the game.

I got an email the other day from a fan.  He mentioned he had erased some comments because he was worried his wife might not approve.  I understood.  I wrote back and told him I could relate with his wife. (I also offered to meet her for drinks so she could see I'm totally harmless).  He wrote back and told me he felt like a piece of shit because he didn't want me to think he would treat his wife poorly or seem like a bad husband.  I didn't think that at all.  He's been around the page for awhile and we email now and then.  He's a sweet guy.  (and very cute too, I will add).  I would NEVER think way about him.  He is a decent.  I wrote him a long email back and let him know we were totally cool.  He should never worry about the flirtations with me.  If he wanted to stop any back and forth, I was fine with him.  We're good now.  Back to being buddies.....and discussing the finer points of foot massage and my thoughts of lesbianism toward the girl who does my pedicures.

Now, you may ask what is going on during these flirtations.  NOTHING.  If I'm sparring with you via email or on Facebook, it's all in good fun.  I don't have my hands down my pants and I'm not breathing heavy.  More often than not, I'm doing some major financial crap or solving an IT crisis while we're talking.  I shall give you a moment to marvel at my skillz.  Sexual innuendos and whiz bang accounting calculations.  I am a goddess.

Keeping a marriage fresh is hard work.  I've only been at it for 4 years and I feel it.  Those of you going on 10-15 years and you're still getting down and dirty after that amount of time, I bow to you.  If you want to email me your secrets, please do.  (No pictures.  I've filled my quota this year all ready).  Harmless, fun and sexy flirtations with a hot piece is an excellent way to add spice to your life without ruining your marriage. "Looky no touchy." The old saying holds true, "Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu".  If the menu has a sexy man holding a piece of dough smothered with sauce and cheese, I will.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Random Thoughts and Musings - Part 2

-I have become a spiller.  I have started to spill everything on myself - coffee, mayo, frosting.  If it stains, it finds its way to the front of my shirt.

-Rice Crispy treats can be substituted for breakfast.

-My assistant asked me to help assemble his "Otter Box" when it arrives with his new iPhone.  Words cannot describe how I will mock him through-out the day.

-For those of you who haven't seen my Facebook post, my cheese from The Fabulous Beekman Boy's is finally coming after being on the wait list for 6 months.  I am a food geek and I love cheese.  I also love gay men and have this bizarre fantasy I should own a farm even though I don't like to clean up animal poop or get up early.  Want this has to do with cheese, I'm not sure.  But I'm excited.  I'll post photos. 

-The Husband has started to buy me these little figurines made out of recycled metal.  They're cute, but not my style.  And they creep me out.  Imagine seeing this first thing in the morning.:
I'm trying to convince him to return to kitchen item gifts before I start having nightmares about metal creatures trying to eat me.

-I am addicted to "Chopped" and the "Iron Chef" on the Food Network.  It's becoming an issue.

-I had lunch with my estranged Grandfather on Saturday.  We hadn't spoken in over 15 years because he thought I was living in sin.  (I was living with my boyfriend out of wedlock - The horror!!!)  He's a Mormon so he's a bit touchy about those subjects.  It seems like the years have chilled him out a little and we had a nice visit.  I didn't tell him about my blog, the fact I'm a sex manic or that I've posed nude for dozens of paintings that have hung in public places and in people's homes..  That might have bought me another 15 years.

-I met one of my followers on Saturday.  She was adorable.  I think Facebook is the new way to make friends, much like is making couples. 

-I forgot to renew the satellite radio in my company car.  My assistant borrowed my car and moments later called me, spitting mad asking where was "our" satellite radio.  I think I've spoiled him.

-I read Steve Job's 2005 speech to the Stanford graduates.  I'm reevaluating my life.  He says to do what you love.  Unfortunately, a brothel that serves gourmet food would not pass at town hall meeting because of all the overly conservative blue hairs.

-In all seriousness, I read the speech, it made me think and I've decided I need to be happier.  I spent Saturday afternoon and evening cooking.  This was the first time in 4 weeks I've been able to really get down and dirty in my kitchen.  It was a food orgy.  All I'm saying is there was lots of bacon involved.

-Here is the link to the speech.  Read the damn thing. Go make yourself happy.