Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Married Woman Seeks Boyfriend

My husband is fabulous.  Truly, he is.  Nearly five years of wedded bliss – 13 years together in total if you want to be accurate.  We’re the best of friends, we spend lazy Sunday’s going for long drives to the beach while drinking fancy coffee drinks and the sex….well….he could teach a few porn stars some new tricks.  In short, we’re a great pair.  Happy as two peas in the proverbial pod.

But, as in many marriages – maybe yours too – there often blooms a need for something more.  The desire starts out innocently.  Maybe a fleeting glance at the couple seated next to you in a restaurant.  Then, the want becomes more powerful.  You feel jealously when you spy a man and woman happily shopping together.  There are certain things your husband won’t do with you.  He seems less than interested in your latest outfit or doesn’t want to try out the new sushi restaurant.  He doesn’t care about your best friend’s latest boy toy and he has no idea what happened in the last episode of the Kardashians.  He’s still home for dinner every night and the sex is great, but you need more.  More.  More as in you desire the attention of another man. A man who cares about your new pair of strappy sandals.  A man who is proud to have you on his arm as you stroll in to the new coffee shop with the sexy baristas.  A man who will watch Ice Loves Coco and coo about Spartacus.  A new man. That’s what you need.

Well, Lovers.  I need a new man.  A new boyfriend.  I need the number one accessory of the married woman:  The gay boyfriend.

Every gay man needs a straight woman in his life and every straight woman needs a gay man.  They go together like Manolos and Carrie Bradshaw, like caramel and chocolate, like sprinkles and cupcakes, like cherries and whipped cream.  My friend idol Sarah has two.  They get pedicures together, bitch about men, go shopping and cook fabulous meals; all this without the chick drama that usually befouls a normal day with your girlfriend.  The gay boyfriend never competes when you're cruising the guys…..the two of you are usually on different taste levels. And he is always available to play “What the Fuck Does She Think She’s Wearing” as you sit peacefully at the bar, drinking Merlot and eating something yummy.

So, I’m advertising for a boyfriend.  Age is of no importance.  He must be into gourmet cooking, movies and long walks on the beach.  He must be willing to dish on his hot sex life and occasionally let me film it. He must love coffee, bacon, cake and think I’m enormously clever.  And above all, he must agree that if we ever see VinDiesel walking on the street, I get first dibs.