Tuesday, November 24, 2009
All this fuss about Levi Johnson posing for Playgirl and he's not going to do a full frontal. I bet he's embarrassed because he has a limp noodle. Come on Levi, man up! Let us see your thang.
**Note on above**Just so you know, I really don't care about seeing Levi's doodle and I wouldn't spend the money on the magazine. I just love me some scandal, ya know?
I forgot to tell you all that I posed nude for for Sarah Holls (famous artist/friend) figure drawing class. 13 people painted me as I stood naked in the center of the room on a platform. It was an amazing experience. I felt like some kind of goddess being worshiped. Modeling is hard work. I had to do three 20 minute sittings with a 10 minute break in between. 5 minutes into the pose and my hands and feet were falling asleep. I was also embarrassed because my nipples wouldn't cooperate. My Ta-Ta's may be boring, but I have adorable nipples. Normally, they perk right up. But, that night they decided to be dull and flat. I felt it would have been in poor taste to say, "Hang on guys. Let me pinch these up for you".
Sarah is just finishing up the paintings she did of me. One of them is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. Now, if someone has an extra $2000 and wants to buy it for me for Christmas, I'll be your slave. I got even more validation when she asked me if I could model for her again. She wants more paintings. It's my butt. I have the bootie everyone wants to paint.
I believe I am the only person in the world who hasn't seen/read "Twilight" or "New Moon". Seriously, I just don't have the interest. I also think Rob Pattinson is creepy and he always looks hungover and stoned. (He probably is) He also looks like he might be kinda smelly. You know how some guys just look stinky. Well, to me he looks like he could be malodorous. Something akin to unwashed, sweaty man. All these girls keeping begging him to bite them. Um...Ewww.
As if getting in shape and oogling men wasn't a good enough reason to go to the gym. The National Guard, Army, Navy and Marine recruiting offices have leased space next to my gym. Sometimes the guys play football in the parking lot when they're bored.....in their fatigues. I have a serious problem with men in uniform. The problem is: I wish to mount them.
I hate buying tampons. I always buy a few items that I don't necessarily need because I feel they take the focus off the little box sitting on the cashiers belt screaming "Hey, look at her!! She's on the rag! She's moody, homicidal and bloated. Irritate her, please!!! SHE HAS HER P-E-R-I-O-D!!!!"
Speaking of periods, Dollface and I spend so much time together (we work out at the gym 6 days a week) that our periods have synced up. I'm sure this will make for an extra intense Combat class this week. Nothing like having two crazy hormonal women punching, kicking and screaming.
That's a wrap, lovers. Stay loose.
Friday, November 20, 2009
In the beginning, TH and I had a......hmmmmm, how can I put this delicately.............a tumultuously, stressful relationship. His ex girlfriend just wasn't taking the hint. She would call him excessively, write him notes and show up at bars where she knew he and I would be. In true guy fashion, TH would allow this behavior saying he wanted to try and be friends with her. (READ: He's a big pansy) I wanted him so bad, I swallowed my anger towards the situation and dealt with it the best I could. But soon, things began to get vicious. I came out of my apartment one morning to find two flat tires on my car. I later learned one of them had been slashed. Another morning, I found "He's Mine" written on the rear window in some sort of cleaning fluid. Prank calls became a nightly routine and I had to change my phone number 4 times. TH was convinced all of this had to be the work of someone else. His sweet EX would never do this sort of thing. We fought constantly about and I think I broke up with him 6 or 7 times in 6 months. Finally, his Mom suggested he and I go to couples counseling. Meanwhile, EX had found herself a new man (victim). A gullible 21 year old guy. She was 31 and desperate to get married.
Marry she did and a bit while later popped out a baby. Finally, she was out of our lives. I still harbored resentment and loathed her. Okay, I lied. I damned her to hell and hoped she burned. She is a horrible, evil, soulless cunt.
The years have flown by, TH and I are tucked snugly in martial bliss and the evil, soulless cunt is totally out of the picture. I do a little, light virtual stalking now and then to keep tabs on her. I make no excuses for my behavior. I have a vagina and with it comes psychotic girl behavior. I virtually stalk people I don't like. Get over it. It's my thing.
Last Saturday I was on a girl date with Dollface and we started the popular game of Ex-girlfriend Bashing. She told me about her problems and I sympathized. Next it was my turn. I started in on a few tidbits and Dollface looked at me and gasped:
"Oh My God! Is that Evil Soulless Cunt who works at No Name Construction Company On Cape Cod?" she said.
I gave her the hairy eyeball and said, "Yessssssss. Why?" What I was really thinking was, "Please God. Don't let them be friends. I like Dollface and don't want to hate her for a petty reason like being friends with Evil Soulless Cunt"
"I know her from Useless Business Group That Meets Way To Early In The Morning. I got her the job at No Name Construction Company On Cape Cod." she said.
This was not looking good for me. I had finally found a really cool girl to hang with and she might be friends with Evil Soulless Cunt. Why does God hate me?
I sighed and meekly said, "Do you guys know each other well?"
"No, not really. I haven't seen her for over a year. We didn't hang out or anything. Just business stuff."
I was so excited, I was doing back handsprings in my head. Not only was Dollface a cool chick, she had the right mind to stay away from pure evil. Even better, we could still be friends. Then, she shocked me so much with her next bit of gossip that I nearly drove off the road.
"You know she's getting a divorce, right? It's a nasty one, too"
Hallelujah. Hallelujah. HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEEEEE LUUUUUUUU JAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! God loves me again. Evil Soulless Cunt was getting a divorce from her boy toy. Could life be any better?
"Oh, and I forgot to tell you." Dollface said. "She looks terrible. She's fatter than she's ever been and she smokes so much her finger tips and nails are all yellow."
Divorce, obesity, charred lungs and body nastiness. I have died and gone to a heaven. Well, it looks like heaven even though there isn't a naked VinDiesel massaging my toes. The last time I saw Evil Soulless Cunt she had the size and body shape of Jabba the Hut. My imagination was working overload as I pictured a giant, neckless blob with yellow hands and breath so stinky it wilts plants as she walked by.
Some of you must think I'm a terrible for enjoying someones misery. But, I'm in the mindset of what goes around comes around. What ever you send out comes back to you times 3. Karma's a real bitch if you don't treat her nicely. She'll kick your ass all over town and try not to get any on her shoes.
So be nice to me, okay? I don't want to send Karma after you. She's a feisty one and loves me long time. It may take her a few years, but she'll get ya.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I'm not sure if you care, but I'm posing nude again this Saturday. Apparently, my butt is really really cute and needs to be painted some more.
What does one do to get an entourage? I feel I should have one.
Monday, November 9, 2009
I did Glamour Shots when I was 20. I laughed my ass off when I got the photos back. My "sexy pout" looked ridiculous and my "bedroom eyes" made me look like a stoner who'd just come off a weekend bender. It became clear to me, I was not photogenic. I'm the kind of person who can take an excellent "grab the person next to me's boobs and stick my tongue out" shot. But I will never make the cover of Cosmo.
Living on Cape Cod surrounds you with artists. They're everywhere. You cannot drive a 1/4 mile without passing a gallery. The gallery may be a tiny house or a barn, but the artist in residence may be quite famous and has done shows all over the country. The fabulous artist Sarah Holl (http://www.sarahholl.com/) is in my yoga class and has also become a great friend. She is bohemian chic with a heart of pure gold. Her gallery and home make me green with envy. She's one of those people who buy everything at yard sales and can make a room look like is just danced off the pages of a magazine. I sat down in a chair the other day and said "This is awesome. Where did you get it". "Oh, I got it for $5 at an auction", she said. In her house, it looks like a classic antique.
Imagine my surprise, when she approached me last March (before we became friends) and said "Would you consider posing for me sometime?"
Duh? Pose? ME????? An artist (an uber fabulous one at that) wants to paint me???
After I picked my jaw up off the floor and rolled up my tongue, I said, "Sure!".
"You'll get naked, right" she said.
Naked??? Hmmmmm. The thought rolled around in my head. This wasn't fooling around in high school or posing for silly photos at a hair salon. This was the real thing. This was a real painting. This painting would be sold in a gallery. THIS PAINTING WOULD BE HANGING ON SOME STRANGERS WALL!!! Now, that was something! Then, the thought hit me. I was really going to do this. I would be naked in front of a person. A person who sees naked bodies all the time and judges them for their beauty. I don't even like getting undressed in front of women at the gym. Hell, I don't even get naked in front of my mother!!
My desire to do something incredible battled with my horribly low self-esteem. Sarah's paintings feature beautiful bodies with full breasts and gorgeous curves. My body was muscular with tiny ta-ta's. What if I took my clothes off and she didn't get what she'd hoped was under my yoga clothes? What if she was disappointed?
On Saturday, I tucked what little self-esteem I have under my belt and took it all off. For two hours and four paintings, I was in my birthday suit. Dollface even came over to hang out and watch me break my nakedness virginity. I was totally naked in front of 2 women and I didn't care.
Here I am, in all my glory.
She made me look beautiful. Of course, after I said that, she gathered up her tiny, 5 foot frame and furiously shouted at me "Will you SHUT UP! You are beautiful" She likes my bum. Apparently, I have a very cute bottom.
The paintings aren't finished yet. Although, I don't know how she could make it any better. The other 3 have more boob and one is a full frontal. Don't even ask. I will not post them. I'm still trying to get use to the idea of being immortalize......naked.......on canvas.
I'm very proud of myself, I'm gloating a bit and feeling a little giddy at the same time. I keep looking at the picture and thinking "Holy shit! I'm naked!!" I wonder. Would it be inappropriate for me to make this my office computer screen saver and wallpaper? I've already put it on my phone. I just can't stop looking at myself naked.