Thursday, December 29, 2011

It's Freakin' Chili!!

It's cold out....finally. It feels like winter. I love soup. It makes you feel comfy, cozy and it goes so well with my favorite thing....BREAD!!

I serve this up with a side of Spanish rice, warm tortillas, sour cream and quacamole. Super tasty and super easy. Get spicy, Lovers!

Texas Brisket Beef Chili
Borrowed from


6 large dried ancho chiles*
6 ounces bacon, diced
1 1/4 pounds onions, chopped (about 4 cups)
1 5-pound flat-cut (also called first-cut) beef brisket, cut into 2 1/2- to 3-inch cubes
Coarse kosher salt
6 large garlic cloves, peeled
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons cumin seeds
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 1/2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
1 1/2 10-ounce cans fire-roasted diced tomatoes with green chiles (1 3/4 cups)
1 12-ounce bottle Mexican beer
1 7-ounce can diced roasted green chiles
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh cilantro stems
4 cups 1 1/2- to 2-inch chunks seeded peeled butternut squash (from 3 1/2-pound squash)


Place chiles in medium bowl. Pour enough boiling water over to cover. Soak until chiles soften, at least 30 minutes and up to 4 hours.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Sauté bacon in heavy large oven-proof pot over medium-high heat until beginning to brown. Add onions. Reduce heat to medium; cover and cook until tender, about 5 minutes. Sprinkle beef all over with coarse salt and pepper. Add to pot; stir to coat. Set aside.

Drain chiles, reserving soaking liquid. Place chiles in blender. Add 1 cup soaking liquid, garlic, chili powder, cumin seeds, oregano, coriander, and 1 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt; blend to puree, adding more soaking liquid by 1/4 cupfuls if very thick. Pour puree over brisket in pot. Add tomatoes with juices, beer, green chiles, and cilantro stems. Stir to coat evenly.

Bring chili to simmer. Cover and place in oven. Cook 2 hours. Uncover and cook until beef is almost tender, about 1 hour. Add squash; stir to coat. Roast uncovered until beef and squash are tender, adding more soaking liquid if needed to keep meat covered, about 45 minutes longer. Season chili to taste with salt and pepper. Tilt pot and spoon off any fat from surface of sauce. DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 days ahead. Cool 1 hour. Chill uncovered until cold, then cover and keep chilled.

Monday, November 14, 2011

How I Enslave Men with Pasta

Food can be the deal breaker in a relationship.  If man isn't a good feeder, I'd probably kicked him to the curb.  There are obviously many other reasons to be with me: I'm good in bed, I have a beautiful bum, I'm fun, I'm good in bed, I have great taste in music, I have a snazzy personality, I'm good in bed, I have sexy hair, I have a good heart and I'm good in bed.  See, you want to marry me now too, don't you.

My one crown jewel is my Spaghetti Pie. Men just can't get enough of it.  It's slighty pathetic to fall for this dish and not something more complex.  I saw a similar recipe in a diet magazine and thought, "you know, that would be awesome if it just has some fat in it."  So, Lovers, I give you my secret.  If you're single, serve this to your next conquest.  I guarantee they'll be your love slave before the last bite.  But, don't use low fat or inferior ingredients.  It will ruin the taste of the dish.  It will also really piss me off.

Spaghetti Pie

1 lb fresh ground beef & sausage mixed (take sausage out of casing)
3 cups homemade marinara (or the jarred stuff - but it better be the good kind)
8 oz sour cream
1/2 c chopped green onions (green and white parts)
8 oz cream cheese, softened
5 cups hot cooked thin spaghetti
2 1/2 cups fresh shredded mozzarella cheese
Good olive oil


1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Drizzle a tablespoon of olive oil in a large skillet.  Cook meat in a large skillet over medium heat until browned, stirring to crumble. Drain well, and return meat to pan. Stir in salt, pepper, and marinara sauce. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes.
3. Combine the sour cream, green onions, cream cheese and 1 cup of mozzarella cheese in a small bowl, and set aside. Place spaghetti noodles in a casserole dish and toss with a little olive oil.  Spread the sour cream mixture over spaghetti noodles. Top with meat mixture. Sprinkle with remaining cheese. Cover and bake at 350 for 35 minutes. Uncover, bake an additional 5 minutes or until cheese is bubbly. Yield 6 servings.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

I Could Be Your Sleep Aid

It wasn't until a few years ago, I began having trouble sleeping.  Maybe it's the stress of the job, my age or my addiction to the Food Network combined with my inability to stop watching a show even though it's 2:30 AM and I have to get up at 6 AM.  I truly could not tell you why I'm plagued with insomnia.  I've tried everything, hot liquids, extensive masturbation, (ya know, because it's been proven after an orgasm, the release of endorphins acts as a natural tranquilizer that relaxes you) boring books - nothing works.  Yoga has been the best medicine. After a week of yoga classes, I sleep like a newborn between feedings.  I'm not into new age hooey, but that shit works for me.  But, the job hasn't allowed me the freedom to enjoy a downward dog with a side of warrior.  So, I'm back to roaming the halls until the wee hours.

The Husband could sleep thru anything.  It takes less than 15 minutes from the time his head hits the pillow until he's enjoying a peaceful REM cycle. The entire Notre Dame marching band could parade into our bedroom, play two or three songs, then parade out and he wouldn't hear a thing.  He snores like a freight train with ungreased axles and hogs 3/4 of the bed at any given hour. 

Thankfully, there are some nights I start to feel sleepy at a reasonable hour (and there's nothing on the Food Network that interests me or I've see all the reruns of Sex and The City).  The Husband is in bed with his laptop watching YouTube videos, porn, something with guitars or whatever because he's not tired.  I snuggle down into my pillow, roll over to my left side, tuck my legs up slightly and slowly start to relax.  I'm 95% there.  I've almost crested the hill to dreamland and I'm about to go thru the gates....

It is at this very moment The Husband decides he's horny and maybe we should have some sex.

Now, before you get all up in my face about I've told you how much I love sex and I like to have it anytime, any place, yada, yada, YADA - let me tell you, I was ready and willing 10-15 minutes before my head hit the pillow.  In fact, he'd had the 2-3 hours before the 10-15 minutes to decide to do the deed.  I was ready, willing and able.  Now, I'm trying to sleep.  Just because he's not tired and wants to sleep doesn't give him the right to turn me into his own personal dose of Ambien. I will tell you, that's exactly what he's doing.  He's bored of YouTube, there's nothing on TV, he needs to get up early, why not bang the wife and get those endorphins.

Well, I took one for the team.  It took me 5 minutes to fully wake up.  As always, I enjoyed it.  He's a stud, the man, all that and a bag of chips.

It's been 15 minutes since the final orgasm.  The 200 decibel snoring has begun and there is a giant, muscled, hairy leg in my area of the bed.

I'm wide awake.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Just 'Cause I'm On A Diet Doesn't Mean I'm Dead.

I flirt shamelessly.  I sass the pizza guy for discounts on my weekly pie, I pout at the owner of the deli to get free cookies (he's gay and it still works!), and I use my phone sex voice when I need something from guy on the phone.  I admit, it gives me a secret thrill to have a sexual power over these guys.  TH calls it sex as a weapon and admonishes me when I do it.  It doesn't make him mad.  He just says it's not fair.  I'm silently promising something these men will never get.  They know it. I know it.  It's all in good fun and TH gets extra pizza.  We all win.

I was reading this article on The Huffington Post yesterday.  (LINK)  It was about a couple who kept their marriage fresh by harmless flirting.  Now, I have to say they were a bit more extreme than I would be.  I would never go over a persons house to help them get bread out of a pan and stay for cocktails.  But, I indulge myself with some back and forth every day or so.  You've seen me do it on my Facebook page.  Do I meet up with these guys and have hot illicit affairs?  Hell No!  I have a gorgeous, sexy, amazing husband in my bed (sometime on the couch).  I have no room or need in my life for another penis.  But, it never stops me from playing the game.

I got an email the other day from a fan.  He mentioned he had erased some comments because he was worried his wife might not approve.  I understood.  I wrote back and told him I could relate with his wife. (I also offered to meet her for drinks so she could see I'm totally harmless).  He wrote back and told me he felt like a piece of shit because he didn't want me to think he would treat his wife poorly or seem like a bad husband.  I didn't think that at all.  He's been around the page for awhile and we email now and then.  He's a sweet guy.  (and very cute too, I will add).  I would NEVER think way about him.  He is a decent.  I wrote him a long email back and let him know we were totally cool.  He should never worry about the flirtations with me.  If he wanted to stop any back and forth, I was fine with him.  We're good now.  Back to being buddies.....and discussing the finer points of foot massage and my thoughts of lesbianism toward the girl who does my pedicures.

Now, you may ask what is going on during these flirtations.  NOTHING.  If I'm sparring with you via email or on Facebook, it's all in good fun.  I don't have my hands down my pants and I'm not breathing heavy.  More often than not, I'm doing some major financial crap or solving an IT crisis while we're talking.  I shall give you a moment to marvel at my skillz.  Sexual innuendos and whiz bang accounting calculations.  I am a goddess.

Keeping a marriage fresh is hard work.  I've only been at it for 4 years and I feel it.  Those of you going on 10-15 years and you're still getting down and dirty after that amount of time, I bow to you.  If you want to email me your secrets, please do.  (No pictures.  I've filled my quota this year all ready).  Harmless, fun and sexy flirtations with a hot piece is an excellent way to add spice to your life without ruining your marriage. "Looky no touchy." The old saying holds true, "Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu".  If the menu has a sexy man holding a piece of dough smothered with sauce and cheese, I will.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Random Thoughts and Musings - Part 2

-I have become a spiller.  I have started to spill everything on myself - coffee, mayo, frosting.  If it stains, it finds its way to the front of my shirt.

-Rice Crispy treats can be substituted for breakfast.

-My assistant asked me to help assemble his "Otter Box" when it arrives with his new iPhone.  Words cannot describe how I will mock him through-out the day.

-For those of you who haven't seen my Facebook post, my cheese from The Fabulous Beekman Boy's is finally coming after being on the wait list for 6 months.  I am a food geek and I love cheese.  I also love gay men and have this bizarre fantasy I should own a farm even though I don't like to clean up animal poop or get up early.  Want this has to do with cheese, I'm not sure.  But I'm excited.  I'll post photos. 

-The Husband has started to buy me these little figurines made out of recycled metal.  They're cute, but not my style.  And they creep me out.  Imagine seeing this first thing in the morning.:
I'm trying to convince him to return to kitchen item gifts before I start having nightmares about metal creatures trying to eat me.

-I am addicted to "Chopped" and the "Iron Chef" on the Food Network.  It's becoming an issue.

-I had lunch with my estranged Grandfather on Saturday.  We hadn't spoken in over 15 years because he thought I was living in sin.  (I was living with my boyfriend out of wedlock - The horror!!!)  He's a Mormon so he's a bit touchy about those subjects.  It seems like the years have chilled him out a little and we had a nice visit.  I didn't tell him about my blog, the fact I'm a sex manic or that I've posed nude for dozens of paintings that have hung in public places and in people's homes..  That might have bought me another 15 years.

-I met one of my followers on Saturday.  She was adorable.  I think Facebook is the new way to make friends, much like is making couples. 

-I forgot to renew the satellite radio in my company car.  My assistant borrowed my car and moments later called me, spitting mad asking where was "our" satellite radio.  I think I've spoiled him.

-I read Steve Job's 2005 speech to the Stanford graduates.  I'm reevaluating my life.  He says to do what you love.  Unfortunately, a brothel that serves gourmet food would not pass at town hall meeting because of all the overly conservative blue hairs.

-In all seriousness, I read the speech, it made me think and I've decided I need to be happier.  I spent Saturday afternoon and evening cooking.  This was the first time in 4 weeks I've been able to really get down and dirty in my kitchen.  It was a food orgy.  All I'm saying is there was lots of bacon involved.

-Here is the link to the speech.  Read the damn thing. Go make yourself happy.


Friday, September 23, 2011

The Husband Finally Gets His Fantasy....Sort Of.

My husband is a pig.  Really.  I wouldn't lie to you.  He is one of the more perverse men I know.  Which is why I love him dearly and relish his unique charms and faaaaabulous skills. But sometimes he annoys the ever lovin' shit outta me with his obsession with lesbians.  Really.  I wouldn't lie to you.

Just like most red-blooded heterosexual men, my husband loves lesbians.  Lesbian porn, the thought of lesbians, the thought of ME with the lesbians...I could go on forever.  Every single time I tell him about a night out with the girls, he always like to throw in a little extra thought:

Me:  So we hung out at Shanna's house, had a few glasses of wine and chatted.

Him:  Then you guys all went down on each other?

It's all in good fun, but he never gets it right.  None of my friends are lesbians.  We don't go down on each other and if one of us happens to get naked, it's because we're trying on a dressing a store.  In addition to that, The Husband doesn't find any of my friends attractive.  So, even if they were lesbians, his fantasy would be ruined. 

Until last week.....

Last week, I had the fortunate pleasure to dine with Ms. Stuck On Cape Cod and her lovely friend...let's call her the Opera Singer.  We all had lunch at Bleu in Mashpee.  This was the first time I'd met Ms. SSOC.  We'd connected thru blogging/Facebook and set up a time to meet.  She is adorable, funny, and super classy in an Audrey Hepburn way.  We had interesting talks (I'm not sharing, it was girl talk....but some of  it had to do with sex....ok....most of it).  After going thru the introductions and talking about a few scandalous topics, I came to find out the Opera Singer....let me rephrase that....The Gorgeous Opera a lesbian.

Well, this was great!  Obviously, this news doesn't affect me at all.  I digest that information like someone telling me their zodiac sign, religion, or favorite shade of green.  BUT, The Husband, he was going to be over the moon.  Finally, his wish came true.  One of my girl get-togethers included one of his favorite things....a hot, sexy lesbian.

I told him as soon as I got home.  He spent the next 30 minutes Googling her YouTube video's and articles written about her.  Then, I told him nothing exciting happened.  All we did was drink champagne, eat lunch, chat about sex and check out some clothing at the Gap until we said our goodbyes. No one went down on anyone.  There wasn't even a good french kiss.

He seems disappointed, but not totally deflated.  Part of his fantasy had come true.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

In Marriage, It's Important To Share

On of the great things about marriage is you have a "captive" audience.  Some one you can share the trials and tribulations of life.  In short, it's like having your best friend trapped in your home. They have to listen to everything you say.  Sometimes thoughts just pop out of my head and into my mouth. I have no edit button. These spontaneous bursts of whimsy shouldn't shock him. He loves me for who I am right? He knew what he was getting into when he married me. He had an adequate vesting time. (Ahem....8 years).  During our dating years, I didn't act like your typical woman who hides all her flaws only to pull off the cuteness mask 4 days after the honeymoon to reveal the domineering bitch laying dormant until she felt a wedding band slide on her finger.  I layed all my faults out on the table - my low self-esteem, my obsession with bald men (VinDiesel/Jason Statham), my desire for new boobs, my love of snobby food, my love of sex, my obsession with gay porn ectera, ectera.  There were no secrets.  He married the real me.

Gentlemen, I know you're surprised when I pull out an idea and you're all like "My wife doesn't do that" or "She doesn't think that way" or my favorite "There is no way she would do that".  Whatevs!  We both know I'm right.  So, to help you out (an all the newbies who just started reading my ramblings), here is a quick list of the things women think and do, but don't want to tell you about:

-We have bowel issues.  In short, we poop. We don't like to sit in the bathoom for hours, stewing in our stench like you, but we still have to go.
-We wonder about anal sex and have experimented with our finger. It's easier than asking you to experiement.  Most of us are embarassed about it.  Obviously, I'm not.
-We burp and fart.  Yup, we rip 'em out.  Mostly to amuse ourselves.
-We're looking thru your stuff. We can't help it.
-Our feet smell.  Most of us don't wear socks and feet sweat.  What do you think the outcome would be?
-We're watching you when a hot girl walks by and waiting to catch you watching too.
-We tell our girlfriends all the stuff you tell us not to. It's in our DNA to gossip.
-We examine ourselves - sometimes in the mirror.  Our parts do more than yours.  Sometimes we have to check it out and make sure everything's ok down there.
-We have the same gross health afflictions as you - athletes foot, bad breath, hemorrhoids etc.  Nothing escapes us.
-We feel ourselves up. You like to feel them.  So do we.  Boobs are fun.
-We've picked our nose, teeth etc.
-We sometimes think your penis looks gross. Not that our equipment looks pretty, but your dick is not as attractive as you think it is.  It's called manscaping.  Get out the scissors and trim up that fuzz!!!
-We've tasted ourselves. We wanted to see what all the fuss is about and make sure we don't taste like you.  I've told ya once, I'm gonna tell ya again.  Those porn girls are lying when they say cum tastes awesome.  It's not a trip to the gourmet buffett.  We do it for you.  Appreciate it.
-We're thinking about sex with the guy at the next table while we're at dinner with you. Don't seem shocked.  You're thinking about banging the girl he's with.
-We watch porn or read "porn like" books.
-We think about sex all the time. Sometimes it's not good thoughts. But we're thinking about it.

It's not a complete list, but is enough to get you started.  We're not perfect.  We try to be. But we're just like you. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

All About Me...

I've got lots of new fans.  Welcome to my naughty little world.  So, I thought I'd give you a quick list of silly and real things about me....ya get to know me better.  If you're a regular at this site, well, it's a nice review.  It's a chance to say, "Hey, that's why I love her so much!"

1).  I'm married.  I know, it's a shame.  But, he's a stud and I'm happy.  No, I will not share.
2).  I hate chicken and I hate peanut butter.  I know it's un-American, but they're both nasty. (And not in a Rocco kinda way.  If you get that joke, you are my favorite)
3).  I bake when I'm stressed, mad or sad.  Upon entering my house, you may see piles of cookies, breads and assorted baked goods.  If that's the case, stay away from me.
4).  I love the Blue Collar Comedy channel on XM Radio.  Redneck humor is the bomb!
5).  I can hook up a computer system but my iPhone continues to confuse me.
6).  I hate my job.  Even more than the one at Satan's Workshop (old job)
7).  I have a cat named Willie.
8).  I'm obsessed with Adam Lambert because he reminds me of a guy I was in love with in 5th grade.  He was in 8th grade and everyone thought he was gay.
9).  I have an orgasm every time I walk into DSW.
10).  I have a tiny slit in the tip of my tongue that makes it look forked if I bite t real hard. No, I do not look like a snake or lizard.  You can't tell unless I show you..  No, I will not show you.
11).  I like gay porn.
12).  I collect piggy banks & antique cookbooks.
13).  I have a thing for gourmet chocolate.
14).  I don't drink alone.
15).  I own a Sybian
16).  I still have my 6th place overall gymnastics trophy from 1987.  It's in a place of honor on a shelf about my desk next to my book on "The Art of Love" (It's a first edition!)
17).  Other books on my shelves include Wiccan spell books, books on beekeeping, sex books, psych books and autobiography of Pat Benatar.  I like to shock guest with my bizarre reading habits.
18).  My favorite book is "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee. It's on the shelf too.
19).  I cannot make a cup of coffee to save my life.
20).  While we're on the subject of coffee, I think Dunkin Donuts tastes like watered down sludge.  Gross!
21).  I get incredibly turned on watching my husband work. 
22).  I've had a beta fish for over a year and he refuses to die.  He creeps me out, but my mother gave him to me, so I've got to keep him.
23).  I'm running the Cleveland 1/2 marathon next year.
24).  I refuse to answer my phone line at work.  If you want to talk to me, leave a message. I'm busy.
25).  Corndogs should be served everywhere.  They are ambrosia to me.
26).  I've been told my best feature is my hair (followed closely by my ass and my eyes).  It's annoying when people run up to me, try to touch it and tell me how beautiful it is. - my hair, not my ass.  Although, that happens sometimes as well.
27). I have eclectic taste in music.  For example, here's a 10 song shuffle on my iPod:
       -Who's That' Girl - Madonna
       -Savin' Me - Nickleback
       -Blood, Red Sky - Judas Priest
       - Pachelbel Cannon in D - Hilary Stagg
       -I Like The Way - Bodyrockers
       -Prayer - Disturbed
       -Rolling in the Deep - Adele
       -Hell is For Children - Pat Benatar
       -Telephone - Lady Gaga
       -Crow and the Butterfly - Shinedown.
28).  I drink tea in the afternoon.  Not the Tetley crap.  I like the good stuff.  Teavana is my mecca.
29).  I have a degree in Criminal Justice, but I've never used it.
30).  I've done some nude modeling.  There is a painting of my back hanging in some guys house.  It was hanging in the Naked Oyster on Main Street, Hyannis until he purchased it.
31).  I crave 1/2 sour pickles.
32).  Calvin & Hobbes cartoons make complete sense to me.
33). I like omelets for dinner not breakfast.
34).  Big trucks are sexier than sports cars.
35).  You should always send a thank you note.
36).  My best friend Josh knows everything about me.  I've never kept a secret from him. 
37).  I sexually harass my assistant.  He loves it.  Who else can I tell about menstrual cramps, cravings and unshaved legs.  We've been together for 4 years.  He's use to me.
38).  Fall is my favorite season.
39).  I eat soup for lunch almost every day.
40).  I would love to change places with Madonna for one day.

Anything else you want to know?  Just ask.  It's not like I'd hold back.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Art of Withholding

Last weekend I had a huge fight with The Husband.  As a norm, we don't fight.  We have "disagreements".  Generally, they are resolved quickly, with little to no yelling.  However, this latest was a doozy.  We were having a discussion. I mentioned I didn't want to talk about that subject on a weekend, he made some douchebag remarks, I followed up by instantly losing my mind and walking out the front door. We didn't speak for about 6 hours after which he called me to asked what we should do about dinner.  In our house, food trumps all issues. 

A few days later, I told my friend about the fight.  She instantly took my side. (After all, OF COURSE, I was right).  Then, she said, "I hope you really punished know, didn't give it up."

"You mean, stop having sex?" I said. (I can be a bit dense sometimes and I need her to spell this out for me.)

"Yeah.  I always let him know I'm pissed by keeping the sex to myself." she said.

At that point, we were distracted by the waiter delivering lunch (SEE!! Food again.  It was a corn beef Reuben.  Nom Nom!)  But, it got me thinking about our crimes and the proper punishment.  If the art of withholding shows what we are feeling, should we withhold when we're mad?

We use sex as a weapon all the time.  I have flirted madly with a man to get him to do what I need. I've got mad skillz!  I bat my eyes, smile coyly and act weak - playing on his need to be chivalrous.  If he only knew how strong I am or how irritatingly independent I can be. Sometimes, I get more by just acting polite.  The guys at Pizzaria Regina give me free slices and discount my pies every week.  I smile, call the clerk my favorite guy and BAM, a loaded pizza for 15 bucks.  I'm not leaving men out of this rant.  I've watched a man work over a sales clerk with flattery.  It's usually an older woman or a wallflower type.  I admit, I find these exchanges disgusting.  I know it makes me a hypocrite, but this is my story. 

Sex is one of the most amazing experiences we can have.  It's fabulous, thrilling, sinful and downright naughty.  Hell, I've built a blog around it and do my best to experience the feeling every single day.  The experience brings you as close to a person as you can get.  It's sad someone would use it to hurt or destroy a relationship.  Like anything,  it can be used for good or evil.  Using it as a method of control is down right wrong.  Our partners use us for sexual release.  Sexual release is also an emotional release.  If we deny them the right because we want to punish, who are we to judge when they seek release elsewhere.  DUH!  This does not give someone a license to cheat. But if their partner is acting like a complete asshat, do you blame them?

In addition to punishing your partner, aren't you punishing yourself.  NO SEX!  I know you can do it yourself.  But, why deny the experience of having sex with the person you CHOSE to have sex with in the first place.  They must of had some skills if you've been with them this long.  Doing the one handed tango is only a mediocre replacement for the real thing.  I like myself alot, but The Husband can do more than I could ever dream of doing to myself.  After all, it's not fun to tease yourself.

If I'm pissed off, I'm not in the mood for nookie.  Frankly, I'm not in the mood for anything other than alone time and a big vat of french fries.  Give me my space (and fries) and I will be ready to have a mature conversation in an hour or so.  I will discuss the matter, reach a resolution and move make up sex.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Random Thoughts and Musings - Part 1

Have you every looked at a guy and instantly known he still lives in his mothers basement?**  The Husband - a rabid Rush fan - took me to a private screening of of their latest documentary (don't laugh, it was actually quite interesting).  I was surrounded by basement dwellers.  There I stood, with my Redneck Hockey Player Husband and 4 dozen guys wearing black jeans, white sneakers, a rock concert t-shirts and really bad hair. 

A short message to Lady Ga Ga and Taylor Momsen:  It's time to wear pants.

I'm becoming one of those people who save quotes.  I rip them from magazines, tear them from tea bags and write them down in notebooks.  I'm not sure what I plan to do with them, but I have lots.

Larry the Cable Guy is hot.

Have you ever watched the Home Shopping Network?  They have the most interesting piles of crap.  I am unable to tear myself away from the counter on the side of the screen showing the number of people who are purchasing said crapola.

Adam Levine has announce he is not gay.  Does anyone really care?

A close male friend of mine told me he wears a Spanx tshirt sometimes.  I'm still processing this information.

Fried butter on a stick.  I am intrigued and grossed out at the same time.

I heart Facebook like the rest of you.  But, please...if you are pregnant, don't use your ultrasound picture as your profile pic.  I'm happy for you and thrilled you are having a baby.  But, it's just too much information.  That goes for the many guys who use shirtless pics.  If you don't have washboard abs, it's not appropriate.

National Nude Hiking Day was in June.  The things you miss when you don't don't synch your phone and your computer in a timely manner.

The most expensive coffee in the world comes from civet poop, selling for between $120 and $600 USD per pound.  I wonder who was the first person to reach into a vat of civet doodies, grab a bean and say, "Hey, lets roast these suckers up"!

That's a wrap, Lovers!

**This is not meant to insult men who are living in Mom's basement.  It is a gentle wake up call that it is time for you to get your pansy ass out there, get laid and do something other than play video games with the other basement dwellers.  There's a big world out there.  Your penis will thank you.  If you need prodding, shoot me an email at  I can give you the motivation and additional humiliation it will take to become a man.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Good Times, Noodle Salad

Well, Lovers. We made it thru another week.  This is for your BBQ weekend.  It's one of my favorite ORIGINAL recipes.  Yup, that's right.  It's mine.  Paula Dean, I know you secretly read my website and I'm just telling ya not to grab this for yourself.  Besides, there is no butter in it.

Szechuan Noodle Salad

3 cups of cooled noodles (I use a thin spaghetti)
1/3 cup of thinly sliced scallions (both white and green parts)
2 large carrots, peeled into long strips
4 teaspoons of toasted sesame seeds
1/2 cup of pineapple juice
3 Tablespoons of vinegar
3 Tablespoons soy sauce
3 teaspoons toasted sesame oil
2 teaspoons of vegetable oil
2 teaspoons of honey
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon of garlic powder
hot sauce to taste (I use Sriracha)
salt and pepper


In a large bowl, combine noodles, carrots, scallions and sesame seeds.  In a small bowl, combine remaining ingredients and whisk well to incorporate.  Add mixture to noodles and toss well to coat.  Chill for several hours or overnight, stirring several times.  Stir well before serving.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Facts and My Reflections

The internet is a fabulous, dirty place.  I'm an information junkie.  Okay.  Let me rephrase....I am a information junkie as long as it's the kind of information not brought up in professional or high class environments.  I also enjoy a random, totally mindless, completely irrelevant fact - Did you know Vasco De Gama sailed around the tip of Africa to India?  I learned this pointless tidbit in 5th grade and have been unable to get rid of the information.  I am a wealth of trivial trivia! (say that 4 times fast).  Don't sit next to me at a cocktail party.  You will leave much more informed and a hellava lot horrified.

Fact #1. During sweaty sex, men ooze testosterone. And it's actually a biological turn on for women!  

Ahem....I do not want anyone to "ooze" anything all over me.  It's bad enough trying to get cum out of your hair.

Fact #2. There's almost 500 different types of bacteria in your mouth. Almost 50% of them live on your tongue.

I'm over it.  If I'm going to put a penis in my mouth, I'm not worried about tongue bacteria.

Fact # 3. One out of seventeen, or 400,000,000 people have sex a day. 4,000 people are doing it right now!

I just finished - wait a this sex with other people or sex with yourself.  I'm confused. I need to Google.

Fact# 4. The hotter the room, the fiercer the orgasm. Vasocongestion, or the heat flush on your skin, is akin to blushing from sex.

I have decided to keep the temperature on the cool side.  (See Fact #1)  We're trying to prevent the "ooze"

Fact # 5. The pelvic spasms caused by an orgasm actually move sperm up stream towards fertilizing your eggs.

I really wish I could un-learn this.

Fact #6. Seventy-three-percent of 70-year-old men are still potent.

There is still hope for me and Sean Connery!!!!

Fact# 7. The endorphins released during sex actually relieve a headache.

It's called falling asleep!

Fact #8. Back in 1609, Dr. Wecker found a dead man with two peckers! Since, 80 cases of double headers have been reported.

I bet these guys had their hands down their pants 24/7.

Fact #9. You can go from zero to 60 fast! The fastest speed a sexy sensation can travel from your va-jay-jay to your brain has been clocked at the Ferrari-fast speed of 156 mph.

Who is studying this???  Don't we have global warming, cancer and other major disasters to work on?  What is wrong with you people.

Fact #10. Erotic asphyxiation didn't just kill INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence. Cutting off oxygen to your brain to feel a strong new sensation during sex causes around 500 American deaths every year.

I'm all for the kinky shit, but this is a little over my head.

Later, Lovers! 

Friday, August 5, 2011

It's Kinda Early in the Year, But Cheesecake is Forever.

Happy Friday and bring on the weekend.  I need a break because I just spilled an entire cup of coffee in my lap.  I'm wearing white, linen pants.  I live 20 minutes from my office.  I will be spending the afternoon with a semi-wet crotch that smells of Beanstock Roasters Hazelnut.

I have been CRAVING this cheesecake since June.  Ordinarily, anything having to do with pumpkin is saved for September.  But, this cake would be the perfect ending to a spicy BBQ. 

I double the recipe for the crust because I like a whole lotta crust.  If you don't, then don't do it.  I'm not there holding a gun to your head telling you to make it my way.  But, I am secretly watching you.

Pumpkin Cheesecake with Sour Cream Topping


For the crust

3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled

For the filling
1 1/2 cups solid pack pumpkin
3 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
three 8-ounce packages cream cheese, cut into bits and softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons heavy cream
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon vanilla

For the topping
2 cups sour cream
2 tablespoons fine sugar

Make the crust:

In a bowl combine the cracker crumbs, the pecans, and the sugars, stir in the butter, and press the mixture into the bottom and 1/2 inch up the side of a buttered 9-inch springform pan. Chill the crust for 1 hour.

Make the filling:

In a bowl whisk together the pumpkin, the egg, the cinnamon, the nutmeg, the ginger, the salt, and the brown sugar. In a large bowl with an electric mixer cream together the cream cheese and the granulated sugar, beat in the cream, the cornstarch, the vanilla, the bourbon liqueur, and the pumpkin mixture, and beat the filling until it is smooth.

Pour the filling into the crust, bake the cheesecake in the middle of a preheated 350°F. oven for 50 to 55 minutes, or until the center is just set, and let it cool in the pan on a rack for 5 minutes.

Make the topping:

In a bowl whisk together the sour cream and sugar
Spread the sour cream mixture over the top of the cheesecake and bake the cheesecake for 5 minutes more. Let the cheesecake cool in the pan on a rack and chill it, covered, overnight. Remove the side of the pan and garnish the top of the cheesecake with the pecans.

(The original recipe HERE  uses bourbon and pecans.  I'm not a liquor/nut person in my dessert.  So I omitted)

Enjoy!! - and send me a piece.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I Want To Be An Auntie Boozebag When I Grow Up

Life has not been kind to me lately, Lovers.  The office has been a drag and more often than not, I leave there cranky and two clicks away from full bitch. I have come to find solice in food (which explains my expanding tush) and cooking dinner has become a soothing sedative.

On the other hand, shopping for ingredients is a nightmare.  I LOVE Peterson's Market in Yarmouth Port.  Their butcher shop is first rate. Sure, the parking lot is kinda scary.  Some of the people there may need to revisit their driving test since the last one they took was in a horse and buggy. Including the old lady who drove thru the front doors a few months ago.  But, who doesn't like to play a game of Frogger (you're the frog) when going from your car to the front door - which has been expertly repaired and outfitted with those reinforced steel posts - just in case someone confuses the brake and the gas pedal again.

So, back to my foul mood.

I was strolling down the dairy aisle after picking up some Sweet Heat Sirloin Tips (Holy Lindsay Lohan they're good) and trying to remember if we needed orange juice.  (We did, I thought we didn't).  I decided the only way I was ever going to get out of my funk was a threesome with Ben & Jerry.  As I circled and headed Northeast towards the cooler where my boys were chilling, I heard the most infectious, cackling laugh followed by a smokey voice exclaiming "You've gotta see this."  I looked up to see a fabulously dressed woman holding a pint of ice cream and gesturing toward her friends - three equally fashionable ladies. (I have to note their appearance because it is a rarity to see a woman in her 50's or 60's, in Peterson's dressed in anything but a sweatsuit or a housecoat).  Smokey Voice showed the pint to her friends and they all began to laugh.  I peered up over the top of the cooler and smiled politely when our eyes met. 

She strode over to me and said "You just have to look at this."

I looked down at the pint (Ben & Jerry's, of course) and read the name of the flavor:

I looked back at her, wide eyed.

She said, "I know! You thought so too!" (EDITORS NOTE:  The name has been since changed to What a Cluster) Then she proceeded to laugh, her friends and then myself joining in with her.

Holding bottles of wine, the fabulous foursome meticulously scoured the cooler selection for the perfect flavor.  "Gay Head Ginger" by Cape Cod Creamery evoked another round of pealing laughter.  I eagerly joined the ruckus.  They told me they were were spending time together and had done this for years.  Their family referred to them as the "Auntie Boozebags".  They referred to themselves as the "The Contessas". 

I left the store with a smile on my face and a the proverbial bounce in my step. Ladies, you have renewed my faith in my future.  I have always feared my midlife - afraid I might become stale.  Thank you for brightening my day. Everytime I walk into the market, I listen for your laughter and hope to see your smiling faces.  To The Contessas (aka Auntie Boozebags), you are utterly fabulous and my idols.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Fabulous Fungus

I know lots of my fans are vegetarians. (Seriously, I don't know how you do it).  So, here is something I used as a side dish, but you might serve with a large salad and call it a meal. (I still don't understand HOW you don't crave a huge bacon-cheeseburger at least one a month.  It's not normal).  I served it with the Bourbon-Vanilla brined Pork Chops from this month's issue of Fine Cooking.  They were ok.  Next time I plan to use a pork loin.  Bone it pork chops just aren't good.  That's my opinion.  Take it or get out.

These are fabulous, easy to make and super tasty.  Indulge.  Don't you dare use fat free cream cheese. It's not proper and offends the delicate nature of my being.  In short, its crap. 

Stuffed Portabello Mushrooms
(This recipe is courtesy of "Pure Flavor" by Kurt Beecher Demmeir with Laura Holmes Haddad)

Serves 6


1/3 cup plus 3 tbs extra-virgin olive oil
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 garlic cloves, minced
6 large mushrooms, such as portabellos, stems and gills removed, caps wiped clean
3 medium zucchini, diced
1 medium red bell pepper, sliced
1 large yellow onion, diced
3 oz (6 tbs) cream cheese
3 tbs unsalted butter, softened
1 green onion (white and green parts), thinly sliced
1 oz Parmesan or other hard cheese, grated (1/4 cup)
2 tbs sliced drained sun-dried tomatoes in oil
1 tbs chopped fresh basil
1 tbs chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
2 tbs fresh bread crumbs
Plum tomatoes, cut into slices
4 oz semisoft cheese, grated (1 cup)


Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

To cook the mushrooms, combine 1/3 cup of the olive oil, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp pepper and half the garlic in a large bowl. Using a pastry brush, coat the surface of the mushrooms, inside and out, with the oil mixture. Place the mushrooms on a baking sheet, domed side down. Bake for about 15 minutes, or until the centers of the mushrooms are tender. Drain the mushrooms on paper towels and set aside to cool. Keep the oven on.
To make the filling, in a large skillet, heat 2 tbs of the olive oil over high heat. When the oil is nearly smoking, add enough of the zucchini to make a single layer in the pan. Cook the zucchini without stirring until browned on one side, about 5 minutes. Stir the zucchini and cook for an additional 2 minutes, or until lightly browned on all sides. Remove to a medium bowl and repeat the remaining zucchini.

Add the bell pepper, onion, and remaining tbs of oil to the skillet, and cook, without stirring, for 5 minutes, or until browned. Stir the mixture and cook for an additional 2 minutes. Add the bell pepper mixture to the zucchini.

Season the vegetable mixture with 1/4 tsp salt and pepper to taste. Let it cool in the fridge while preparing the rest of the filling.

Combine the cream cheese and butter in a medium bowl. Fold in the green onions, Parmesan cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, parsley, remaining garlic, bread crumbs, and 1/4 tsp each salt and pepper. Mix the cheese mixture into the vegetable mixture, combining thoroughly but gently.

Place the mushrooms, domed side down, on a baking sheet. Divide the filling evenly among the mushroom caps, mounding it slightly. Push the filling to the edges to fill the entire cap.

Top each with slices of tomato and sprinkle with the semisoft cheese mounding it high. Bake for about 20 minutes, or until the mushrooms are heated through and the cheese is melted and is beginning to brown.

Bon Appetit!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Case of the Missing Urge.

I've always wondered what sex would be like at 50.  Would I still be having lots of sex?  Would my sex life still be as crazy?  I've often read articles about women in their 40's & 50's (I read Redbook and More Magazine)  who say they don't want to have sex - that they just don't have the urge anymore.  I've also read about women in their 20's, who don't want to have sex because they have kids.  Men are always complaining about their wives frigid behavior.  But, what do you do if you're in your early 30's, childless, married to a Sex God and suddenly stop feeling the urge?

Yes, I'm talking about me.  Yes, I know this is a crushing blow to all of you.  Imagine how I feel? 

I started noticing it a few months ago.  Normally, I'm as randy as a high school boy on prom night.  Six months ago, I would feel a twinge when my cell phone vibrated.  This past month, VinDiesel could have been lying naked on my bed, oiled up, holding a plate of mozzarella sticks and I might not have the urge to do anything about it. Well, I'd have eaten the mozzy sticks. You can see why this troubling. Food before beefcake.  Cheese before fantasy man.  Was I becoming another person?  I had read about early menopause.  Was I a new case?  This was freaking me out.  Even gay porn wasn't doing it for me.  I had lost my mojo!

I decided to chat it up with my Box Doctor.  We had a date this past Tuesday for my annual check up.  As I was sitting in the stirrups, trying to deal with a metal clamp thingy in my netherregions, she said to me

"So any problems"?

Usually my answer to this is, "Nope.  All good".  But today, determined to get to the bottom of my plunging libido, I forged ahead. 

"I have no sex drive.  Usually, I'm like a monkey on crack, but in the past 6 months I'm limp like a noodle"

I know. Not subtle.  But, these are extreme times.

I'm sure the look on my face was utter desperation and panic.  She glanced up over my sheet draped legs with look of understanding.   "It's the pill", she said, with a snap of her rubber glove.  "You've been on it so long your body is processing all the testosterone.  It's putting a damper on your hormones."

Crap.  I was become more of a whiny chick by the minute and now my testosterone was disappearing.

"I need to know how to fix this." I said.  "Can I take testosterone. Is there cream?  What are we going to do about this!"  The pitch of my voice was starting to rise.

"Well, you could stop the pill and...." The look on my face stopped that one.  There was no way I was returning to the land of rubber.  No way, no how. 

"Alright, " she said.  "Why don't you try DHEA.  It's a supplement and most people say it helps."

HALLELUJAH!!!  HALLE LUUUUUUUUUUUUU JAH!!!!!!!  Drugs for my lady bits!  Help for my love button.  Therapy for my VaJaJay!

Light at the end of my orgasmless tunnel.  There is help for me.  I will return to the land of naughty and heavy breathing.

I made the mistake of telling my mother about my problem and the solution.  I had meant to horrify her with the news.  After all, she gets embarrassed when I talk about sex, my sex life, my blog, my vagina or anything else having to do with an orgasm.  But, she took this in stride.  Today, she phoned me and said she wants to send me some books on sexual health.

EXCUSE ME??  Mom is sending me sex help books.  Hell hath frozen over.

I told her I was all set.  I was picking up my pills and they should kick in less than a day. She told me to start taking them immediately.  If I didn't have lots of sex than she wouldn't have any grandchildren. 

This has become my life, lovers.  Hormones and sex talks with my mother.  I'm officially in my 30's.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Farewell to Crazy

                                                                       R.I.P Amy. 

You were a hot mess.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Shying Away From the Spotlight

The other day, I read an article about Hollywood stars who shy away from the spotlight.  In other words, they don't put themselves up for display (Ahem, Tori Spelling you dirty whore) by frequenting the places where the paparazzi (Ahem, Kim Kardashian you mind-numbingly vapid fame slut) and other media types hang out.  They're not attention whores. (I'm looking at you Denise Richards, you no talent living off Charlie Sheens crazy ass behavior while you have so much plastic surgery you can barely blink).

Maybe that's what I've been up to lately.  Hanging back from the spotlight.  I've gained a few pounds (READ: 10) and I'm not feeling as perky as I have been.  It's a shame.  A damn shame.  After my exit from Satan's workshop, I have been wallowing in my misery as I work tirelessly and miserably at the new job.  I miss everything about the hellhole I use to work at.  If I could have it all back, I would clean Partner #3's private bathroom with a toothbrush every day.  Yes, lovers.  The new job is worse than cleaning Lucifers skid marks.

The real wake up was this past weekend.  I was in my funk, feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party.  Just me and a fabulous plate of truffle oil Parmesan french fries.  (Grease and I have become best buddies these past couple of months.) Gawd they were good!  Truffle oil makes everything yummy.   I was trolling Facebook and came across a photo of myself taken at a road race. (Yes, I was able to run a road race with my new found fat.  I jiggled a bit, but I cross the finish line). The photo bitched slapped me across the face and called me Kirstie Alley (before Dancing with the Stars).  There I was....puffy, pale and sad.  A huge change from my cute, perk self only a year ago when I ran the same race.

So, Lovers, I pledge to you, myself and VinDiesel (for he is going to be my second husband and I can't bear the thought of being a fat, sad wife to him) - these things:

1).  I shall renew my formerly fabulous figure.
2).  I shall stop neglecting you....all 6 of you....who consistently write me and say "Where the fuck are you?"
3.)  I shall give you more recipes.  I've been eating all this shit, I might as well make you fat too.
4.)  I shall bring back the kink, the naughty, the nice, the twisted and the sauciness I desperately miss.
5).  I will stop wearing panties.  I'm so ashamed of myself.
6.)  I can't think of anything else right now, but we can think of some thing later for #6.

Later, lovers.  Thanks for listening and being there for me. My love handles thank you too.