Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Case of the Missing Urge.

I've always wondered what sex would be like at 50.  Would I still be having lots of sex?  Would my sex life still be as crazy?  I've often read articles about women in their 40's & 50's (I read Redbook and More Magazine)  who say they don't want to have sex - that they just don't have the urge anymore.  I've also read about women in their 20's, who don't want to have sex because they have kids.  Men are always complaining about their wives frigid behavior.  But, what do you do if you're in your early 30's, childless, married to a Sex God and suddenly stop feeling the urge?

Yes, I'm talking about me.  Yes, I know this is a crushing blow to all of you.  Imagine how I feel? 

I started noticing it a few months ago.  Normally, I'm as randy as a high school boy on prom night.  Six months ago, I would feel a twinge when my cell phone vibrated.  This past month, VinDiesel could have been lying naked on my bed, oiled up, holding a plate of mozzarella sticks and I might not have the urge to do anything about it. Well, I'd have eaten the mozzy sticks. You can see why this troubling. Food before beefcake.  Cheese before fantasy man.  Was I becoming another person?  I had read about early menopause.  Was I a new case?  This was freaking me out.  Even gay porn wasn't doing it for me.  I had lost my mojo!

I decided to chat it up with my Box Doctor.  We had a date this past Tuesday for my annual check up.  As I was sitting in the stirrups, trying to deal with a metal clamp thingy in my netherregions, she said to me

"So any problems"?

Usually my answer to this is, "Nope.  All good".  But today, determined to get to the bottom of my plunging libido, I forged ahead. 

"I have no sex drive.  Usually, I'm like a monkey on crack, but in the past 6 months I'm limp like a noodle"

I know. Not subtle.  But, these are extreme times.

I'm sure the look on my face was utter desperation and panic.  She glanced up over my sheet draped legs with look of understanding.   "It's the pill", she said, with a snap of her rubber glove.  "You've been on it so long your body is processing all the testosterone.  It's putting a damper on your hormones."

Crap.  I was become more of a whiny chick by the minute and now my testosterone was disappearing.

"I need to know how to fix this." I said.  "Can I take testosterone. Is there cream?  What are we going to do about this!"  The pitch of my voice was starting to rise.

"Well, you could stop the pill and...." The look on my face stopped that one.  There was no way I was returning to the land of rubber.  No way, no how. 

"Alright, " she said.  "Why don't you try DHEA.  It's a supplement and most people say it helps."

HALLELUJAH!!!  HALLE LUUUUUUUUUUUUU JAH!!!!!!!  Drugs for my lady bits!  Help for my love button.  Therapy for my VaJaJay!

Light at the end of my orgasmless tunnel.  There is help for me.  I will return to the land of naughty and heavy breathing.

I made the mistake of telling my mother about my problem and the solution.  I had meant to horrify her with the news.  After all, she gets embarrassed when I talk about sex, my sex life, my blog, my vagina or anything else having to do with an orgasm.  But, she took this in stride.  Today, she phoned me and said she wants to send me some books on sexual health.

EXCUSE ME??  Mom is sending me sex help books.  Hell hath frozen over.

I told her I was all set.  I was picking up my pills and they should kick in less than a day. She told me to start taking them immediately.  If I didn't have lots of sex than she wouldn't have any grandchildren. 

This has become my life, lovers.  Hormones and sex talks with my mother.  I'm officially in my 30's.


  1. Hmm seems to almost coincide with leaving Satan s Workshop, can this be?

    LOL just kidding!

  2. Please let us know how the DHEA is working out for you?