Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Number Seven

There are those who say the number 7 is a magical number.  There are 7 days in a week, 7 Wonders of the World, 7up, and Seven Jeans.  You can sail the seven seas, be rescued by 007 (please let that happen to me) and Harry Potter fans were overwhelmed with the number seven in her books - which ironically, there are a total of seven in the series.  There are seven chakras, seven true colors of the rainbow and seven is the sum of any two opposites sides on a standard six sided dice.

Seven has always been my favorite number.  If anyone grabs it before me, I'll switch to 3.  But, 7 has always been mine.  Once, someone told me seven was perfect because it is the number of sides to a person:

1. Above
2. Below
3. Behind
4. Front
5. Left
6. Right
7. Within

Creepy, right!  Freaks me out too.  I bet your sitting in your chair, pointing out the directions with your finger just like I did.  I also bet you tried to find a six sided dice and are adding up the sides. I did that too.

Seven is also the number of my other favorite things.....sins.  Now, don't get your Catholic up and think I'm being fresh.  Sins can be fun if you let them and they don't hurt anyone.

Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Pride in yourself is important. Pride can be negative.  But it also refers to a satisfied sense of attachment toward one's own or another's choices and actions and is a product of praise, independent self-reflection, or a fulfilled feeling of belonging (totally stole some of that from Wikipedia).  Bring prideful doesn't mean your vain.  It means you know you rock.  I am proud of myself for quitting my job and removing myself from a terrible situation.  I'm prideful.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

We are all guilty.  Even you over there, shaking your head, thinking "I'm just so happy with myself.  I wouldn't want to be anyone else".  I call bullshit.  I am envious that Jenna Dewan gets to rub up against Channing Tatums tight abs every day.  I envy Jennifer Aniston for her perfect body even though she smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish.  I want Idina Menzels voice, Julia Roberts hair (even though mine is pretty awesome - oh look, PRIDE!!) and Gwen Stefanis abs.  I have envy.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Um....all I have to say is bacon, cake, pulled pork, cheese, frosting, corn dog etc.  I am a glutton.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Duh! Daily!  I lust.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. 

I think anger is healthy.  I wouldn't necessarily say I spurn love and opt for fury.  But, sometimes you need to get angry.  It is the only way to get through to a person.  If you keep all of the negative thoughts and feelings all bottled up inside.  You're gonna go all Kracatoa one day and split yourself six ways to Sunday.  Stewing in your own juices is not good unless you are a pot roast.  I am angry.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain.

If we didn't have greed, no one would want more.  More.  It's a relative term.  But, no one can say they are truly happy with what they have.  Even if it's a simple thing like a few extra bucks to buy those boots your best friend has (ooooh....ENVY!) or enough money to take your family on a vacation.  That is the good thing about greed. I am greedy.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical work.

Hey, sometimes I just don't want to do the dishes right after dinner.  I've been known to leave my cereal bowl in the sink for a day.  Right now, I'm looking at my filthy car which is covered in salt, sand and the remains of my 2 day road trip.  It's parked next to a sparkling Prius that looks like it just came of the show room floor.  Meh?!  I just don't feel like dragging my lazy ass into the car, driving to the car wash and getting it done.  We need to be lazy sometimes.  It makes is proud of ourselves (PRIDE!!!) when we finally get around to the task or when we do something right the first time. I embrace my slothness!

Sinners, embrace the seven.  Remember, it's the perfect number for each side of you.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Cool People Do Not Hang At Starbucks

I've never been one to follow a crowd or a fad.  Okay, so I wear Ugg boots, bought an iPhone and drink micro-brews.  But, I didn't get all of these items because someone told me too.  I like warm feet, being connected to everyone and everything and I'm a beer snob.  I'm a girl with my own mind.....be it demented, slightly warped and maybe a little crazy.  This is why I never got into the whole hangin' at the coffee house with my laptop and venti skinny triple shot, no whip, mocha latte with caramel.

On Mondays, the cleaning lady banishes me to Starbucks.  Technically, she doesn't tell me where to go, but she really doesn't like me hanging out in the house while she's doing her thing.  She's never had to deal with me before.  I was always at the office when she was scheduled.  Now I'm jobless and don't have an office to go to.  The first job-free Monday, she arrived on site to find me sitting in my home office, wearing my pajamas, drinking a massive mug of coffee and eating oatmeal while cruising Eonline.com.  She seemed less than impressed at my appearance.  After all, it was 11 o'clock in the morning, she was about to clean my toilet and I looked like I'd just spent the morning with my head in a toilet.  So, just for her (I love her because I hate cleaning toilets), I get up early on Mondays. I take a shower, consider putting on some make up, and dress in clothing fit for general public viewing. Then, I hotfoot it to Starbucks where for three hours, I drink legal stimulates and use the free WiFi.

Cool people do not hang at Starbucks.  Let's just get that out of the way right now. Let me give you a little taste of my present company:

Couple #1 - This guy has been talking about his 14 pairs of jeans for the last 20 minutes and the woman he's with seems really excited about them too.  I doubt they have exciting sex. Actually, I don't think they have sex at all.

Woman on her Laptop #1 - She was sitting next to me, but moved.  I don't think she wanted my help reading her personal emails....not that they were mindblowing or anything.  She has been on the phone for the past 30 minutes talking about some friend behind her back.  The friend in question should really bitch slap this woman the next time she sees her.  I wonder if I can figure out the friends email from a distance and let her know this chick is a hose beast.

Guy with Laptop #1 - I know he is watching porn or surfing for some.  He's sitting in the corner, hasn't touched his coffee and has wiped his mouth four times in the past two minutes. I also think he's sweating. He looks nervous.  I'm gonna stare at him.

Old Couple - They are sitting down with their coffees and haven't said a word to each other.  No reading materials or distractions. It's been like this for a half hour. It's creepy.

Real Housewives of Cape Cod - These bitches have parked their Birkin bags on the coffee table in the "seating area" and are waving their bejeweled hands around while their children run unchecked all over the place.  One of the kids crawled under my table and tried to unplugged my laptop.  They're pissing off Woman on her Laptop #1 and making Guy with Laptop #1 cover his screen.  Please go to Gymboree next Monday. I beg you.

Woman on her Laptop #2 - She's totally high and it's 9 AM.  I've only been here for a half hour and she's decided we're friendly enough for her to ask me to watch her stuff while she goes to the bathroom.  I hate being the person with a trusting, smiley face.

Woman with Muffin - She has been working on that thing for forty minutes. It's a muffin, not a six course meal. If she doesn't start on the other half soon, I'm gonna get it.

Guy with Laptop #2 - He has an ear bud. Didn't that stop being cool like 3 years ago?  It's not like his phone is burning up.  He hasn't answered it once.

Student - She has books all over the place but hasn't set down her phone since she arrived.

Barista #1 - Has an enormous cold sore and hasn't bathed since 2001.  Thank God he didn't make my coffee.

Barista #2 - Has not stopped bitching about her boyfriend since I sat down.  Greg, if you're reading this....RUN!  This girl is nuts.

Barista #3 - Samples the drugs she sells....ALOT!  Girlfriend is beyond perky.

Guy with Massive Headphones and iPad - In his 50's and still a virgin.  I bet my life on it.

My coffee house experience is beyond excruciating.  It's cliche....right down to the annoying French jazz that  is piped in through strategically placed speakers hidden behind fake jars of Italian roast.  I'm embarrassed I have been reduced to hanging out in this dive.  I fear I have become a stereotype and I miss my sweatpants. If you want the true coffee house feel, hit up a local place.  I bet the cool people are there.  Stay away from the corner franchise.  Trust me.  I've lived it.

Friday, February 1, 2013

20 Lessons From A Really Bored Person Who May Or May Not Be Drifting Into Insanity

1.  Stare at your cat. He is the best instructor you will ever have on everything you need to know about only sleeping and eating. This can be done for hours as he sleeps for over 20 hours a day.

2.  Stay off of Pinterest.  It will make you feel bad about yourself because you lack motivation to do the projects.  It will give you recipes for things that will make you fat. It has life lesson quotes you will put in the scrapbook you just started.  In short, Pinterest is the devil. Don't go down that road.

3.  Ease up on the coffee.  Just because your coffee maker can make 12 cups at a time does not mean you need to drink them all within the first 3 hours of waking.  What do you plan to do with all that caffeinated goodness.  You don't have a job, remember?

4.  Stop watching Hoarders.  I know the A&E channel keeps running "marathons".   It's causing unnecessary cleaning, purging and crying over memorabilia.  (The coffee is giving you the energy to do this too)  You are not a hoarder.  You are a "collector". It is not wrong to have every back issue of Fine Cooking from 2006.

5. Do not try to be the queen of the group #sweatpants on Twitter. These are students talking about school and being late to class.  They're not a pathetic 35 year old over-caffeinated pre-divorcee suffering from PTSD at the hands of her in-laws (Totally true. Validated by a professional).  You will scare them.  Stay off that group. Let them keep their innocence.

6.  Tell your mother You will call Her when seeking advice or a heart to heart conversations.  This applies to text messages and emails as well

7.  Keep your spa appointments.  A single eyebrow is not attractive.  You should not be receiving calls from the spa because they haven't seen you in over a month and they're worried about you. (Thank you Jenny at Beyond Beauty - Hyannis)  Just because you have become a hermit over the past month does not entitle you to start resembling Frida.

8.  Go outside and get some color on your face.  This does not include trips to the library, liquor store, grocery store or lunch dates with friends. I don't care if it's 5 degrees with a windchill of -10 and snowing. (which is about what it is right now).  Your sweatpants will keep you warm.  You're starting to look pasty and it's highlighting your uni-brow.  Your friends have noticed.

9.  Stop thinking your neighbors are interesting.  Once you starting looking for "the fat lady with the dog" every day at 3 o'clock, it's time to find a household project. (Do not look for one on Pinterest.  See Lesson #2)

10. Stop Tweeting the cast of Chelsea Lately.  Just because a couple of them Tweeted you once or twice does not make you besties.  It makes you a stalker.

11.  You can get dressed before 1 pm.  I know you're just moving from pajama pants to sweatpants/yoga pants, but it can be done.  You could also try brushing your teeth and maybe moving a comb through your hair.  Really.  You're kinda disgusting.

12.  The wine aisle is your friend. So is the chip aisle, the bakery and the french bistro which makes those ham and cheese stuffed croissants you love.

13.  Do not watch the sex documentary's on HBO.  You're not having sex right now, remember?  Last time, you started crying during a girl on girl scene and you don't even like lesbian porn.

14.  You do not need to watch Titanic....again.  In fact, turn off the fucking television all together.

15.  Write your book.  People keep telling you to do it. You always said you didn't have the time or talent.  Um....what's going on right now, genius?  That's right.  Time.....time....time.....more time.

16.  Do not get involved in the dramas of celebrities.  Your friends lives are much more interesting and that stuff is really happening.  Just because your pregnant best friend isn't posting hourly pics of her baby bump like Kim Kardashian doesn't mean you should knit a baby blanket for Kim before you knit one for your friend.

17.  Don't tell everyone how pathetic you are.  You're suppose to be a sex goddess wrapped in the athletic (and 17lbs lighter and more toned, Bee-yatch!) body of a domestic diva who can cook like a dream and is suppose to be running a marathon in May.  No one wants to listen to you whine....unless it's about wine. Then, they will drink with you.  Be positive or they will start pitying you like they pity Lindsay Lohan. (Shit!  See Lesson #16 again)

18.  Start to cook again.  Something other than eggs, oatmeal, soup or toast.  You can make the ham and cheese stuffed croissants from #12.  That way you will save the $3 you spend to buy one.  You don't have a job, remember!

19.  Stop stressing about the job thing.  So, you've found there is nothing good out there so far and you're too old to donate your eggs.  You know you're a kick ass employee no matter what your evil ex-bosses (a.k.a in-laws) think.  Just ask your old, old boss Partner #1 (my older fans remember him).  Now get out there and sell yourself - not your body, just your mind and skills.  It's not that bad......yet.

20.  Be happy.  Seriously.  You're bumming me out.