Monday, February 4, 2013

Cool People Do Not Hang At Starbucks

I've never been one to follow a crowd or a fad.  Okay, so I wear Ugg boots, bought an iPhone and drink micro-brews.  But, I didn't get all of these items because someone told me too.  I like warm feet, being connected to everyone and everything and I'm a beer snob.  I'm a girl with my own it demented, slightly warped and maybe a little crazy.  This is why I never got into the whole hangin' at the coffee house with my laptop and venti skinny triple shot, no whip, mocha latte with caramel.

On Mondays, the cleaning lady banishes me to Starbucks.  Technically, she doesn't tell me where to go, but she really doesn't like me hanging out in the house while she's doing her thing.  She's never had to deal with me before.  I was always at the office when she was scheduled.  Now I'm jobless and don't have an office to go to.  The first job-free Monday, she arrived on site to find me sitting in my home office, wearing my pajamas, drinking a massive mug of coffee and eating oatmeal while cruising  She seemed less than impressed at my appearance.  After all, it was 11 o'clock in the morning, she was about to clean my toilet and I looked like I'd just spent the morning with my head in a toilet.  So, just for her (I love her because I hate cleaning toilets), I get up early on Mondays. I take a shower, consider putting on some make up, and dress in clothing fit for general public viewing. Then, I hotfoot it to Starbucks where for three hours, I drink legal stimulates and use the free WiFi.

Cool people do not hang at Starbucks.  Let's just get that out of the way right now. Let me give you a little taste of my present company:

Couple #1 - This guy has been talking about his 14 pairs of jeans for the last 20 minutes and the woman he's with seems really excited about them too.  I doubt they have exciting sex. Actually, I don't think they have sex at all.

Woman on her Laptop #1 - She was sitting next to me, but moved.  I don't think she wanted my help reading her personal emails....not that they were mindblowing or anything.  She has been on the phone for the past 30 minutes talking about some friend behind her back.  The friend in question should really bitch slap this woman the next time she sees her.  I wonder if I can figure out the friends email from a distance and let her know this chick is a hose beast.

Guy with Laptop #1 - I know he is watching porn or surfing for some.  He's sitting in the corner, hasn't touched his coffee and has wiped his mouth four times in the past two minutes. I also think he's sweating. He looks nervous.  I'm gonna stare at him.

Old Couple - They are sitting down with their coffees and haven't said a word to each other.  No reading materials or distractions. It's been like this for a half hour. It's creepy.

Real Housewives of Cape Cod - These bitches have parked their Birkin bags on the coffee table in the "seating area" and are waving their bejeweled hands around while their children run unchecked all over the place.  One of the kids crawled under my table and tried to unplugged my laptop.  They're pissing off Woman on her Laptop #1 and making Guy with Laptop #1 cover his screen.  Please go to Gymboree next Monday. I beg you.

Woman on her Laptop #2 - She's totally high and it's 9 AM.  I've only been here for a half hour and she's decided we're friendly enough for her to ask me to watch her stuff while she goes to the bathroom.  I hate being the person with a trusting, smiley face.

Woman with Muffin - She has been working on that thing for forty minutes. It's a muffin, not a six course meal. If she doesn't start on the other half soon, I'm gonna get it.

Guy with Laptop #2 - He has an ear bud. Didn't that stop being cool like 3 years ago?  It's not like his phone is burning up.  He hasn't answered it once.

Student - She has books all over the place but hasn't set down her phone since she arrived.

Barista #1 - Has an enormous cold sore and hasn't bathed since 2001.  Thank God he didn't make my coffee.

Barista #2 - Has not stopped bitching about her boyfriend since I sat down.  Greg, if you're reading this....RUN!  This girl is nuts.

Barista #3 - Samples the drugs she sells....ALOT!  Girlfriend is beyond perky.

Guy with Massive Headphones and iPad - In his 50's and still a virgin.  I bet my life on it.

My coffee house experience is beyond excruciating.  It's cliche....right down to the annoying French jazz that  is piped in through strategically placed speakers hidden behind fake jars of Italian roast.  I'm embarrassed I have been reduced to hanging out in this dive.  I fear I have become a stereotype and I miss my sweatpants. If you want the true coffee house feel, hit up a local place.  I bet the cool people are there.  Stay away from the corner franchise.  Trust me.  I've lived it.


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  5. ago? It's not like his phone is burning up. He hasn't answered it once.