Friday, February 1, 2013

20 Lessons From A Really Bored Person Who May Or May Not Be Drifting Into Insanity

1.  Stare at your cat. He is the best instructor you will ever have on everything you need to know about only sleeping and eating. This can be done for hours as he sleeps for over 20 hours a day.

2.  Stay off of Pinterest.  It will make you feel bad about yourself because you lack motivation to do the projects.  It will give you recipes for things that will make you fat. It has life lesson quotes you will put in the scrapbook you just started.  In short, Pinterest is the devil. Don't go down that road.

3.  Ease up on the coffee.  Just because your coffee maker can make 12 cups at a time does not mean you need to drink them all within the first 3 hours of waking.  What do you plan to do with all that caffeinated goodness.  You don't have a job, remember?

4.  Stop watching Hoarders.  I know the A&E channel keeps running "marathons".   It's causing unnecessary cleaning, purging and crying over memorabilia.  (The coffee is giving you the energy to do this too)  You are not a hoarder.  You are a "collector". It is not wrong to have every back issue of Fine Cooking from 2006.

5. Do not try to be the queen of the group #sweatpants on Twitter. These are students talking about school and being late to class.  They're not a pathetic 35 year old over-caffeinated pre-divorcee suffering from PTSD at the hands of her in-laws (Totally true. Validated by a professional).  You will scare them.  Stay off that group. Let them keep their innocence.

6.  Tell your mother You will call Her when seeking advice or a heart to heart conversations.  This applies to text messages and emails as well

7.  Keep your spa appointments.  A single eyebrow is not attractive.  You should not be receiving calls from the spa because they haven't seen you in over a month and they're worried about you. (Thank you Jenny at Beyond Beauty - Hyannis)  Just because you have become a hermit over the past month does not entitle you to start resembling Frida.

8.  Go outside and get some color on your face.  This does not include trips to the library, liquor store, grocery store or lunch dates with friends. I don't care if it's 5 degrees with a windchill of -10 and snowing. (which is about what it is right now).  Your sweatpants will keep you warm.  You're starting to look pasty and it's highlighting your uni-brow.  Your friends have noticed.

9.  Stop thinking your neighbors are interesting.  Once you starting looking for "the fat lady with the dog" every day at 3 o'clock, it's time to find a household project. (Do not look for one on Pinterest.  See Lesson #2)

10. Stop Tweeting the cast of Chelsea Lately.  Just because a couple of them Tweeted you once or twice does not make you besties.  It makes you a stalker.

11.  You can get dressed before 1 pm.  I know you're just moving from pajama pants to sweatpants/yoga pants, but it can be done.  You could also try brushing your teeth and maybe moving a comb through your hair.  Really.  You're kinda disgusting.

12.  The wine aisle is your friend. So is the chip aisle, the bakery and the french bistro which makes those ham and cheese stuffed croissants you love.

13.  Do not watch the sex documentary's on HBO.  You're not having sex right now, remember?  Last time, you started crying during a girl on girl scene and you don't even like lesbian porn.

14.  You do not need to watch Titanic....again.  In fact, turn off the fucking television all together.

15.  Write your book.  People keep telling you to do it. You always said you didn't have the time or talent.  Um....what's going on right now, genius?  That's right.  Time.....time....time.....more time.

16.  Do not get involved in the dramas of celebrities.  Your friends lives are much more interesting and that stuff is really happening.  Just because your pregnant best friend isn't posting hourly pics of her baby bump like Kim Kardashian doesn't mean you should knit a baby blanket for Kim before you knit one for your friend.

17.  Don't tell everyone how pathetic you are.  You're suppose to be a sex goddess wrapped in the athletic (and 17lbs lighter and more toned, Bee-yatch!) body of a domestic diva who can cook like a dream and is suppose to be running a marathon in May.  No one wants to listen to you whine....unless it's about wine. Then, they will drink with you.  Be positive or they will start pitying you like they pity Lindsay Lohan. (Shit!  See Lesson #16 again)

18.  Start to cook again.  Something other than eggs, oatmeal, soup or toast.  You can make the ham and cheese stuffed croissants from #12.  That way you will save the $3 you spend to buy one.  You don't have a job, remember!

19.  Stop stressing about the job thing.  So, you've found there is nothing good out there so far and you're too old to donate your eggs.  You know you're a kick ass employee no matter what your evil ex-bosses (a.k.a in-laws) think.  Just ask your old, old boss Partner #1 (my older fans remember him).  Now get out there and sell yourself - not your body, just your mind and skills.  It's not that bad......yet.

20.  Be happy.  Seriously.  You're bumming me out.

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