On of the great things about marriage is you have a "captive" audience. Some one you can share the trials and tribulations of life. In short, it's like having your best friend trapped in your home. They have to listen to everything you say. Sometimes thoughts just pop out of my head and into my mouth. I have no edit button. These spontaneous bursts of whimsy shouldn't shock him. He loves me for who I am right? He knew what he was getting into when he married me. He had an adequate vesting time. (Ahem....8 years). During our dating years, I didn't act like your typical woman who hides all her flaws only to pull off the cuteness mask 4 days after the honeymoon to reveal the domineering bitch laying dormant until she felt a wedding band slide on her finger. I layed all my faults out on the table - my low self-esteem, my obsession with bald men (VinDiesel/Jason Statham), my desire for new boobs, my love of snobby food, my love of sex, my obsession with gay porn ectera, ectera. There were no secrets. He married the real me.
Gentlemen, I know you're surprised when I pull out an idea and you're all like "My wife doesn't do that" or "She doesn't think that way" or my favorite "There is no way she would do that". Whatevs! We both know I'm right. So, to help you out (an all the newbies who just started reading my ramblings), here is a quick list of the things women think and do, but don't want to tell you about:
-We have bowel issues. In short, we poop. We don't like to sit in the bathoom for hours, stewing in our stench like you, but we still have to go.
-We wonder about anal sex and have experimented with our finger. It's easier than asking you to experiement. Most of us are embarassed about it. Obviously, I'm not.
-We burp and fart. Yup, we rip 'em out. Mostly to amuse ourselves.
-We're looking thru your stuff. We can't help it.
-Our feet smell. Most of us don't wear socks and feet sweat. What do you think the outcome would be?
-We're watching you when a hot girl walks by and waiting to catch you watching too.
-We tell our girlfriends all the stuff you tell us not to. It's in our DNA to gossip.
-We examine ourselves - sometimes in the mirror. Our parts do more than yours. Sometimes we have to check it out and make sure everything's ok down there.
-We have the same gross health afflictions as you - athletes foot, bad breath, hemorrhoids etc. Nothing escapes us.
-We feel ourselves up. You like to feel them. So do we. Boobs are fun.
-We've picked our nose, teeth etc.
-We sometimes think your penis looks gross. Not that our equipment looks pretty, but your dick is not as attractive as you think it is. It's called manscaping. Get out the scissors and trim up that fuzz!!!
-We've tasted ourselves. We wanted to see what all the fuss is about and make sure we don't taste like you. I've told ya once, I'm gonna tell ya again. Those porn girls are lying when they say cum tastes awesome. It's not a trip to the gourmet buffett. We do it for you. Appreciate it.
-We're thinking about sex with the guy at the next table while we're at dinner with you. Don't seem shocked. You're thinking about banging the girl he's with.
-We watch porn or read "porn like" books.
-We think about sex all the time. Sometimes it's not good thoughts. But we're thinking about it.
It's not a complete list, but is enough to get you started. We're not perfect. We try to be. But we're just like you.