Tuesday, November 3, 2009

RTT - Major Douchebags, Hippos and Women Wood

I'm in love with this lunch place in Chatham, MA called "The Corner Store". They make the most fantabulous burritos and sandwiches on the entire planet. If you are ever in the area, call me and I will buy you one. It's like sex wrapped in a flour tortilla covered in romance. I was telling a friend about it and he said he would never eat there because one of the owners was gay. After mentally crossing him off my friend list and silently calling him a fucking, small minded homophobe, I asked "Why can't you eat there. Are you afraid the food is going make you gay?" He had no answer to this. The reason is - he's a major douchebag.

I have a new annoying habit. For some reason, I am now leaving the house without putting on deodorant. It is a mental block I cannot get past. I don't know how it's been removed from my morning routine. I get out of the shower, dry off, put on body lotion, put on face lotion and then I'm suppose to put on deodorant. But, I forget the step and go on with the rest of my morning routine. It is only when I'm driving to the office that I realize I've forgotten the pit stick. I've now started leaving deodorant everywhere - in the car, in my desk and an extra in my gym bag.

I hate when guys want you to say their name when you're about to cum. You're building up a good orgasm, you give the "I'm cumming" alert and just as you reach the top they say "Say my name, baby. Say my name!". Well, that just distracts me. I was picturing a shirtless Jake Gyllenhall and your face has popped into the mess.

How do you tell someone they look great if they've lost tons of weight. If you say, "Wow, you look fabulous" it's just like saying "Wow, you're no longer a hippo". But, if you don't say anything, you're the asshole who didn't notice. I see no way to win on this one. It's a lose lose situation.
In case you're wondering, I still hate Megan Fox and Leann Rimes. I have also added Faith Hill and Teri Hatcher to the list. Both of those bitches bug me.

I've found out that Oprah and I could totally hang! She loves corndogs too! Check out the video. She doesn't get nearly as excited as I do, but it's close.

You know how guys get a boner when they're horny or they see a naked chick...or the wind blows. What happens to women? We get nothing. Okay, maybe we get a tingle or two. But, we really got the short end of the stick on that one. Guys get this fabulous wood and we get nothing. I'm starting a petition. We women need our own wood.

Why do my friends and my mother call me during the day on my cell phone and expect me to chat with them. I use to answer because I thought it was an important call. Don't they realize I'm working? Hello Mcfly!
That's a wrap, lovers! Keep your panties off!


  1. What! I won't eat at a restaurant UNLESS the owner is gay! But seriously, gay people have much better taste in cuisine than some asshat in a pair of raggedy jean shorts and mullet. Who's restaurant would YOU rather eat at? Gay men are usually cleaner than the straight ones, too. I hate to say it, but gay men just have advantages straight men don't. Sucks for women.

  2. Sometimes my toes cramp up which makes them look like woodies. Does that count?

  3. **I was picturing a shirtless Jake Gyllenhall and your face has popped into the mess**


  4. There's hardly any restaurants down the Cape or anywhere in MA that don't have some gays in the mix. Point that out to the douchebag idiot!!

  5. Hey, I like corn dogs too. Can you believe that Jamie has never had one, ever? He's missing out.

  6. I don't wear deodorant unless I'm smelly. So I must always have it in my handbag. I don't like smell prevention, only smell remedy.

  7. I love you because you put a "Back To The Future" reference in this post.

  8. I don't always get wood when the wind blows ... ;op

  9. Hahahahaha "....or the wind blows" Tooo freakin' funny! And your "friend" really is a douchenozzle eh? I might have been tempted to kneecap him right there and then.

  10. I ate at a restaurant with gays once. I had some gay chicken and it affected me for a whole week. All of a sudden I was a terrific dancer, all my clothes were stylish and matched and I smelled fantabulous.

    My wife was disappointed when I regressed back to heterosexuality! ;-)