I try not to revel in someone elses misery. Sure, I got excited when Jessica Simpson divorced Nick and then proceeded to get fat, make poor fashion choices and date losers. I laughed when Paris Hilton went to jail and even followed the story hour by hour on TMZ.com. But, celebrities are idiots and I feel most of them deserve what they get. If you make a bazillion dollars and drive drunk instead of paying a $15 cab fare or calling one of your seven assistants, you should spend a few weeks in jail in order to embrace reality. But when someone I truely hate gets their just desserts, I roll in the stink for as long as I can.
In the beginning, TH and I had a......hmmmmm, how can I put this delicately.............a tumultuously, stressful relationship. His ex girlfriend just wasn't taking the hint. She would call him excessively, write him notes and show up at bars where she knew he and I would be. In true guy fashion, TH would allow this behavior saying he wanted to try and be friends with her. (READ: He's a big pansy) I wanted him so bad, I swallowed my anger towards the situation and dealt with it the best I could. But soon, things began to get vicious. I came out of my apartment one morning to find two flat tires on my car. I later learned one of them had been slashed. Another morning, I found "He's Mine" written on the rear window in some sort of cleaning fluid. Prank calls became a nightly routine and I had to change my phone number 4 times. TH was convinced all of this had to be the work of someone else. His sweet EX would never do this sort of thing. We fought constantly about and I think I broke up with him 6 or 7 times in 6 months. Finally, his Mom suggested he and I go to couples counseling. Meanwhile, EX had found herself a new man (victim). A gullible 21 year old guy. She was 31 and desperate to get married.
Marry she did and a bit while later popped out a baby. Finally, she was out of our lives. I still harbored resentment and loathed her. Okay, I lied. I damned her to hell and hoped she burned. She is a horrible, evil, soulless cunt.
The years have flown by, TH and I are tucked snugly in martial bliss and the evil, soulless cunt is totally out of the picture. I do a little, light virtual stalking now and then to keep tabs on her. I make no excuses for my behavior. I have a vagina and with it comes psychotic girl behavior. I virtually stalk people I don't like. Get over it. It's my thing.
Last Saturday I was on a girl date with Dollface and we started the popular game of Ex-girlfriend Bashing. She told me about her problems and I sympathized. Next it was my turn. I started in on a few tidbits and Dollface looked at me and gasped:
"Oh My God! Is that Evil Soulless Cunt who works at No Name Construction Company On Cape Cod?" she said.
I gave her the hairy eyeball and said, "Yessssssss. Why?" What I was really thinking was, "Please God. Don't let them be friends. I like Dollface and don't want to hate her for a petty reason like being friends with Evil Soulless Cunt"
"I know her from Useless Business Group That Meets Way To Early In The Morning. I got her the job at No Name Construction Company On Cape Cod." she said.
This was not looking good for me. I had finally found a really cool girl to hang with and she might be friends with Evil Soulless Cunt. Why does God hate me?
I sighed and meekly said, "Do you guys know each other well?"
"No, not really. I haven't seen her for over a year. We didn't hang out or anything. Just business stuff."
I was so excited, I was doing back handsprings in my head. Not only was Dollface a cool chick, she had the right mind to stay away from pure evil. Even better, we could still be friends. Then, she shocked me so much with her next bit of gossip that I nearly drove off the road.
"You know she's getting a divorce, right? It's a nasty one, too"
Hallelujah. Hallelujah. HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEEEEE LUUUUUUUU JAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! God loves me again. Evil Soulless Cunt was getting a divorce from her boy toy. Could life be any better?
"Oh, and I forgot to tell you." Dollface said. "She looks terrible. She's fatter than she's ever been and she smokes so much her finger tips and nails are all yellow."
Divorce, obesity, charred lungs and body nastiness. I have died and gone to a heaven. Well, it looks like heaven even though there isn't a naked VinDiesel massaging my toes. The last time I saw Evil Soulless Cunt she had the size and body shape of Jabba the Hut. My imagination was working overload as I pictured a giant, neckless blob with yellow hands and breath so stinky it wilts plants as she walked by.
Some of you must think I'm a terrible for enjoying someones misery. But, I'm in the mindset of what goes around comes around. What ever you send out comes back to you times 3. Karma's a real bitch if you don't treat her nicely. She'll kick your ass all over town and try not to get any on her shoes.
So be nice to me, okay? I don't want to send Karma after you. She's a feisty one and loves me long time. It may take her a few years, but she'll get ya.