Friday, November 20, 2009

Mess With Me And Karma Will Bitch Slap You and Make You Fat

I try not to revel in someone elses misery. Sure, I got excited when Jessica Simpson divorced Nick and then proceeded to get fat, make poor fashion choices and date losers. I laughed when Paris Hilton went to jail and even followed the story hour by hour on But, celebrities are idiots and I feel most of them deserve what they get. If you make a bazillion dollars and drive drunk instead of paying a $15 cab fare or calling one of your seven assistants, you should spend a few weeks in jail in order to embrace reality. But when someone I truely hate gets their just desserts, I roll in the stink for as long as I can.

In the beginning, TH and I had a......hmmmmm, how can I put this delicately.............a tumultuously, stressful relationship. His ex girlfriend just wasn't taking the hint. She would call him excessively, write him notes and show up at bars where she knew he and I would be. In true guy fashion, TH would allow this behavior saying he wanted to try and be friends with her. (READ: He's a big pansy) I wanted him so bad, I swallowed my anger towards the situation and dealt with it the best I could. But soon, things began to get vicious. I came out of my apartment one morning to find two flat tires on my car. I later learned one of them had been slashed. Another morning, I found "He's Mine" written on the rear window in some sort of cleaning fluid. Prank calls became a nightly routine and I had to change my phone number 4 times. TH was convinced all of this had to be the work of someone else. His sweet EX would never do this sort of thing. We fought constantly about and I think I broke up with him 6 or 7 times in 6 months. Finally, his Mom suggested he and I go to couples counseling. Meanwhile, EX had found herself a new man (victim). A gullible 21 year old guy. She was 31 and desperate to get married.

Marry she did and a bit while later popped out a baby. Finally, she was out of our lives. I still harbored resentment and loathed her. Okay, I lied. I damned her to hell and hoped she burned. She is a horrible, evil, soulless cunt.

The years have flown by, TH and I are tucked snugly in martial bliss and the evil, soulless cunt is totally out of the picture. I do a little, light virtual stalking now and then to keep tabs on her. I make no excuses for my behavior. I have a vagina and with it comes psychotic girl behavior. I virtually stalk people I don't like. Get over it. It's my thing.

Last Saturday I was on a girl date with Dollface and we started the popular game of Ex-girlfriend Bashing. She told me about her problems and I sympathized. Next it was my turn. I started in on a few tidbits and Dollface looked at me and gasped:

"Oh My God! Is that Evil Soulless Cunt who works at No Name Construction Company On Cape Cod?" she said.

I gave her the hairy eyeball and said, "Yessssssss. Why?" What I was really thinking was, "Please God. Don't let them be friends. I like Dollface and don't want to hate her for a petty reason like being friends with Evil Soulless Cunt"

"I know her from Useless Business Group That Meets Way To Early In The Morning. I got her the job at No Name Construction Company On Cape Cod." she said.

This was not looking good for me. I had finally found a really cool girl to hang with and she might be friends with Evil Soulless Cunt. Why does God hate me?

I sighed and meekly said, "Do you guys know each other well?"

"No, not really. I haven't seen her for over a year. We didn't hang out or anything. Just business stuff."

I was so excited, I was doing back handsprings in my head. Not only was Dollface a cool chick, she had the right mind to stay away from pure evil. Even better, we could still be friends. Then, she shocked me so much with her next bit of gossip that I nearly drove off the road.

"You know she's getting a divorce, right? It's a nasty one, too"

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEEEEE LUUUUUUUU JAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! God loves me again. Evil Soulless Cunt was getting a divorce from her boy toy. Could life be any better?

"Oh, and I forgot to tell you." Dollface said. "She looks terrible. She's fatter than she's ever been and she smokes so much her finger tips and nails are all yellow."

Divorce, obesity, charred lungs and body nastiness. I have died and gone to a heaven. Well, it looks like heaven even though there isn't a naked VinDiesel massaging my toes. The last time I saw Evil Soulless Cunt she had the size and body shape of Jabba the Hut. My imagination was working overload as I pictured a giant, neckless blob with yellow hands and breath so stinky it wilts plants as she walked by.

Some of you must think I'm a terrible for enjoying someones misery. But, I'm in the mindset of what goes around comes around. What ever you send out comes back to you times 3. Karma's a real bitch if you don't treat her nicely. She'll kick your ass all over town and try not to get any on her shoes.

So be nice to me, okay? I don't want to send Karma after you. She's a feisty one and loves me long time. It may take her a few years, but she'll get ya.


  1. Hey, if you do shit to people and later get the shit back, you more than deserve it. Like you said, what comes around goes around.

  2. OMG You are AWESOME. You made me literally LOL. I love that you are so honest about this stuff. Can you send Karma my way please. It would make me so happy if she would visit my exes and hubbys exes. One of his sent naked pics of herself when I was preggo. I could really use a nasty divorce and a few other things. Thanks

  3. Muahahaha. I love it. Yay for Karma kickin' some bitch face ass!!

  4. Karma can be a of bit fickle bitch though, I mean that if she was totally with it my ex would not have had fame and money. I'm so glad to hear she can through for you.

  5. I must have a vagina too because I still keep tabs on some of my ex girlfriends. And even though they probably look at pictures of me and rejoice that I look so horrible, it's always nice to see that they've ballooned up too.

    But then again, I'm very petty.

  6. I've had my ass handed to me by karma so no thanks. Revel in Jabba's misery.

  7. I don't really believe what goes around comes around AT ALL. Way too many douchebags that never seem to get what's coming to them for that to be true. That just makes it all the greater when someone finally does get what they deserve. Don't you worry about it, I have been known to voodoo people myself.

  8. Life is so fabulous when bitches like this get theres.

  9. Karma's a bitch. And I don't think any less of you.

    I"m much the same way with this one girl I used to volunteer with. She stole my boyfriend from me.

    I don't even like him anymore - she can have him. But I hate her anyways because she's a boyfriend-stealing cunt who then made out with him in. front. of. me. And she's treats me like I'm doggie poo. Which, ok, I'll let bygones be bygones (mostly), but she made it difficult to work with her in a mentoring environment (I used to mentor teenagers - they have enough drama without having to deal with ours) The ex-boyfriend is on my shitlist too because...hello...he allowed it.

    And there was some other stuff. They're married now - she treats his mother (who I'm still close with) like crap. So I totally understand how you feel.

    I delight in her downfall. I cackled when her car broke down. I was downright jubilent when I heard that her parents didn't approve of the marriage.

    Oh, and if you have an 'in' with Karma, I'd greatly appreciate it if you could put in a good word. I have a few other people that need some ass-kicking.

  10. Youch. Well, if she was as cuntish as you described, she deserves all the misery.

  11. Yeah, I agree with Juicy on the karma deal. The biggest fuckheads I know seem to breeze right on through life.

    Fat ex's are fun, though!!!