Why can't I look even remotely sexy when I wake up? This morning, I looked in the mirror and it looked like someone had rubbed a balloon on my head for 2 minutes and then popped it in my face. Charming.
What is with the male enhancement commercials? Two people meet by the washing machines in their basement, touch hands over dirty underwear and suddenly they're sitting in claw foot tubs on the shores of a lake? How do they have sex in separate tubs? Why don't they do it up against the washing machine during the spin cycle? Who's writing these things? I bet its a bunch of science nerds who still live in their parents basement.
Thursday night is pizza night at Casa D'Utterly Sinful. The pizza place we like is located in the mall at the food court. Unfortunately, it is located next to the Thai House. To entice people with their food, the Thai House has stationed a girl out front with a tray of samples. She is like a sample ninja. I take one step into the food court and she pounces on me "Try sample!!!!" while shoving something speared on a toothpick in my face. I try to bypass her or watch until she's busy with some other victim, but she still gets me. This little dance has been going on for months. She hasn't given up but I have figured out how to avoid her. I take a hard left before the food court, circle around the carousel, weave thru 30-40 tables, and it's a straight shot to Pizzeria Reginia. It's exhausting.
I saw a bummer sticker the other day that said "Guns don't kill people. People with mustaches kill people". I don't get it. I have literally spent days trying to figure it out. Please don't put stupid bummerstickers on your car. It confuses me.
My mother doesn't leave voicemail messages when she calls me. If I don't call her back, she gets upset. It's not as bad as my grandmother. We're convinced her phone only works one way - IN. She doesn't call you, you call her. If she's not there, you better as hell leave a message. Don't think you're off the hook. You must continue calling her until you reach her in person, making sure to leave a message each time. My family is crazy.
Why do gay guys call each other cunts? Lesbians don't call each other dicks. One of life's little mysteries.
I was in line for McDonald's the other day, when an evil thought crossed my mind. "How bad would I fuck things up if I moved out of line" I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had this thought, but I get evil sometimes. Then I realized I would miss out on my cheeseburger and fries, so I cleared my brain.
Yes, I was at McDonalds. Super Dupa healthy me. I was stress eating. Sue me.