Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Wisdom of My Ages

I was just running through some old Twitter postings (yes you should follow me on Twitter @Utterlysinful.)  I gotta say, I'm a funny bitch.
  • Up close pictures of a penis are never attractive.  EVER.  Yes, even when manscaped.
  • A warm toilet seat should not be trusted.  You never know who was there before you and what they did to stay so long they managed to warm a piece of plastic.
  • "Butt-load" load is an acceptable unit of measurement.  Still not sure if it's metric or standard.
  • Bouncy castles are ageless.
  • You never see a person with a hot body streaking. Sadly, there is a website dedicated to these idiots.
  • Office assistants were put on this earth for me torture and sexually harass.
  • People who don't masturbate don't know what they're missing.
  • Do not wear a shirt that says "Free hugs" if you don't want me to try.
  • Remember when you hated spankings?
  • The number "69" will always make me laugh.  Every time.
  • Bacon makes everything better.
  • So does coffee, cake and things made with cheese.
  • Standing up for yourself is awesome. Always be brave.  Always be ballsy.
  • You're still thinking about masturbation, aren't you.
  • People are all pissed about Instagram having the right to sell their pictures.  We should all start taking crotch pictures and see what happens then.  (See first item)
  • I will always stay at a Doubletree because they give you a cookie when you check in.  Best marketing idea EVER!
  • Stalking someone is a sign of flattery.
  • Underwear is overrated.
  • The best part about airports it the ability to drink at anytime of the day.
  • Some days its fun to rip off the mask and show people what a true psychological mess you really are.
  • It's fun to mark mundane voicemail messages with "Urgent" just because.
  • I had my first french kiss in a movie theater, watching "Pretty Woman".  Ironic.
  • What your staff doesn't know, won't hurt them.
  • Never work for your in-laws.  It's like working for Satan and he comes over on the weekends for brunch and makes comments about your life choices..
  • Everything in your fridge looks delicious after 4 glasses of wine.
  • If you're ever on the phone with a chatty tech support person, tell them you have to pee.  Makes them work faster.
  • You also believe you can cook anything in your fridge after 4 glasses of wine.
  • Yup.  Still thinking about masturbation.
  • Never be afraid to order bizarre food combinations.  It's fun to freak people out when you admit to liking a sandwich with breaded eggplant, bacon, mayo, lettuce and avocado.
  • When you hug someone, wrap one of your leg around their legs in a "leg hug".  Totally freaks them out.  You can try it with the t-shirt guy too.
  • Um....masturbation.