Wisdom of My Ages

I was just running through some old Twitter postings (yes you should follow me on Twitter @Utterlysinful.)  I gotta say, I'm a funny bitch.

• Up close pictures of a penis are never attractive.  EVER.  Yes, even when manscaped.
• A warm toilet seat should not be trusted.  You never know who was there before you and what they did to stay so long they managed to warm a piece of plastic.
• "Butt-load" load is an acceptable unit of measurement.  Still not sure if it's metric or standard.
• Bouncy castles are ageless.
• You never see a person with a hot body streaking. Sadly, there is a website dedicated to these idiots.
• Office assistants were put on this earth for me torture and sexually harass.
• People who don't masturbate don't know what they're missing.
• Do not wear a shirt that says "Free hugs" if you don't want me to try.
• Remember when you hated spankings?
• The number "69" will always make me laugh.  Every time.
• Bacon makes everything better.
• So does coffee, cake and things made with cheese.
• Standing up for yourself is awesome. Always be brave.  Always be ballsy.
• You're still thinking about masturbation, aren't you.
• People are all pissed about Instagram having the right to sell their pictures.  We should all start taking crotch pictures and see what happens then.  (See first item)
• I will always stay at a Doubletree because they give you a cookie when you check in.  Best marketing idea EVER!
• Stalking someone is a sign of flattery.
• Underwear is overrated.
• The best part about airports it the ability to drink at anytime of the day.
• Some days its fun to rip off the mask and show people what a true psychological mess you really are.
• It's fun to mark mundane voicemail messages with "Urgent" just because.
• I had my first french kiss in a movie theater, watching "Pretty Woman".  Ironic.
• What your staff doesn't know, won't hurt them.
• Never work for your in-laws.  It's like working for Satan and he comes over on the weekends for brunch and makes comments about your life choices..
• Everything in your fridge looks delicious after 4 glasses of wine.
• If you're ever on the phone with a chatty tech support person, tell them you have to pee.  Makes them work faster.
• You also believe you can cook anything in your fridge after 4 glasses of wine.
• Yup.  Still thinking about masturbation.
• Never be afraid to order bizarre food combinations.  It's fun to freak people out when you admit to liking a sandwich with breaded eggplant, bacon, mayo, lettuce and avocado.
• When you hug someone, wrap one of your leg around their legs in a "leg hug".  Totally freaks them out.  You can try it with the t-shirt guy too.
• Um....masturbation.