StalkHer Ex

Women are curious beasts.  Even after 13 years of conjugal bliss, the green eyed monster still hangs out in the corners of my mind. 

I was driving down the highway when I saw her.  Well, at least I thought it was her.  The name on the car was the company she worked for.  Adrenaline trickled down my spine when I saw the amber glow of a cigarette scissored between the fingers holding the steering wheel as I cruised by in the passing lane.  It was dark and I could only see a silhouette of a woman with short hair.  Could it be her? She'd had short hair and had smoked for as long as I remembered.  I felt the tingles of hatred as I drove ahead and eased into the travel lane ahead of her.  It had been at least 7 years since I saw her in person.  Even though she is no threat to me, I still harbor ill-will.

I turned off the exit and felt panicked as I watched her mirror my move and her headlights follow me on the ramp.  I drove toward the mall and she was right behind me.  Not close enough I could see inside the car.  The suspense was killing me.  Was it her?  Was this whole dramatic episode in my head? 

The 5 minute drive from the highway seemed to take hours.  As I sat at red light, I strained to see in my rearview mirror.  My rear window was fogged with rain and mist so I was only able to make out the soft flame as she dragged on her cigarette.   We navigated the rotary and entered the road to the mall.  I slowed to turn and she took a hard right into the complex across the street.  I craned my neck to see her drive towards the parking area infront of Target.

I sat at a red light waiting to make the turn into the mall parking lot.  It was killing me.  I knew she would be sliding into a parking space any moment, exiting her car and going into the store.  In 30 seconds I would lose her.  I would never find out if it was her.

With a sigh, I took a quick glance behind me, turned the wheel and shot my car over 2 lanes of traffic and into the Target parking lot. (Don't tisk tisk.  I drove safe.  There wasn't anyone around).  With exaggerated stealth, I parked my car 2 rows over and waited for her to exit the car.  Of course, at that very moment, an SUV of mammoth proportions blocked my view of her exit.  Not to be thwarted, I threw my car into reverse and crawled up to the front of the store in time to get the money shot.

It was her. The Husbands ex-girlfriend.  The woman who nearly ended my relationship with him before it even began. 

She took the last drag from her cigarette, flicked it to the ground and crushed it under her cloven hoof before entering the store.  I sat still for a moment, pondering my next move. Then, I took my foot off the brake, turned the wheel and made my way out of the parking lot and towards my intended destination - the mall.  I fought every urge I had to go back, park my car and cruise the store aisles hoping to catch a glimpse of her close up. I forced myself to continue on my errands and forget the woman who was just across the street.  I called my friend Firecrotch and babbled into her voicemail about my craziness.  I knew she would get a laugh at my psychotic behavior and not hold this little break in sanity against me.  She would understand the importance of a quick stalk.  She gets it.  She gets me.

It's amazing how you hold onto things that really shouldn't matter anymore.  He married me.  Not her.  She's a miserable bitch who smells like an ashtray and is at least 35 lbs overweight.  I'm the one sleeping next to the sexiest man alive night after night. Yet, I still wasted 10 minutes of my life obsessing about her. Alright....3 hours if you count getting home, racing to the computer and writing about it.  Tomorrow, I may have a fleeting thought....or two.

Jealousy.  Ain't it a bitch.