Random Tuesday

My bank has started this exciting new service. Every day they will send you a text message with your account balance. Just what I need, a daily reminder of how little money I have in there.

There are only 2 ways I can eat lunch at the office: stuff everything in my face within 5 minutes or take 2 hours managing a bite here and there. Both ways suck. The 5 minute plan gives me heartburn or an upset stomach or both. The 2 hour plan entices everyone who walks in my office to exclaim, "You're STILL eating?" I'd give anything for a quiet 15-20 minutes of lunch time. Just me, food and eonline.com.

Dollface and I were in a candle shop on Saturday making up names for all the candles we thought smelled bad. Some of the top winners where "Dirty Old Man" and "Struck Wet Match". I should really go into marketing. I think I have a knack for it.

Sadly, one of our associates died last February. He was a wonderful man and very popular. Unfortunately, many people still don't know he passed away. So, they sent him a Christmas card. (he was Jewish - go figure) I have the glorious task of calling all these people and telling them he died. Just call me Scrooge. I bring you tidings of death and despair.

That's a wrap, lovers. Don't forget to wash where the sun don't shine!

When Things Get Boring In Bed...

This year has been a real doozy and I've gotta say, TH and I haven't been our crazy wild selves this past month. We're still gettin' it done, but the wild monkey sex has been replaced by sweet, loving-I'm-so-tired-can-we-just-spoon-and-you-can-wiggle-your-ass-a-bit. I'm not complaining. I'm EXHAUSTED. So is Big K. We're both busy, the holidays make things nuts and there always seems to be someone at our house.

I was doing a little research to see if I could spice things up. Nothing to strenuous. Just something new.

What do you think TH would go for a game of Sheet Twister?

Random Tuesday

My 22 year old sister has started this phase where she greets people with derogatory terms like "slut, bitch or whore". It's all in jest, but she's started to do it to me. I don't mind, 'cuz I love to call my close friends and leave messages starting with "Hey, lover" or "Hey Hooker". If I insult you it means I really, really love you. She may think she's cute, but she doesn't know she's dealing with the Mistress of Harassment. Just wait 'til Christmas when I will only refer to her as Meat Popsicle Lover. Who's funny now???

I don't have my own kid, but I like to be a roll model for others kids. It was a proud moment when I "accidentally" taught my 2 1/2 year old nephew the word "fart" on Thanksgiving. He ran around for the rest of the day, screaming at the top of his lungs "I didn't poop. I FARTED."

Speaking of farts, why do guys fart when they pee? And why do they stop mid-stream to do it? Are they afraid there might be some sort of reverse pressure and they'll blow out the end of their penis?

I've always wanted a nickname. People call me the shortened version of my given name, but I long for an interesting pet name. It's not like I can come up with one myself and hope people start using it. Oh well.

I realize I've been slacking with my writing. I have 15 posts just waiting to be finished. I've got some great ones. I'm just experiencing a little writers block. I also need someone to add a few more hours to the day. Who the hell thought 24 hours was enough? Come on! 27 is just as nice.

I've added Fergie to my list of Celebrities That Make Me Puke.

That's a wrap, lovers.

RRT - 3 YEARS, New Birth Control and A Random Act Of Kindness

Lately, TH has been making a few noises about wanted kids. Not full blown comments. But, a passing comment here and there. I don't know if he's serious, but it's been freaking me out. After spending Thanksgiving with my nephew, the Tasmanian Devil and my infant niece who screamed bloody murder the entire day, he hasn't breathed a word about it. (I'm not kidding folks. She cried for 7 hours straight) After they'd left, the house was blissfully quiet as he and I sat on the couch and did our own thing. I should have them come over more often. They are the best birth control E-V-E-R!!

I farted in front of TH for the first time last week and he didn't even notice. I'm a little hurt. Was it too much trouble for him to mock me or even act a bit shocked? I know he heard it. And if he didn't, he most definitely smelled it. I deserve to be noticed for my grossness, damn it! It took me 10 1/2 years to do that!

I love all the songs on my iPod. I should. I'm the one who loaded them on there. But, when I use the shuffle mode, I only like 1 out of every 12 songs. I'm guessing it's my mood at the time.

I think Rihanna looks like a rooster now. What's with that hairstyle, girl. Wash that nasty orange color out and stop shaving the sides of your head.

Every day, there is a woman who walks thru the office parking lot wearing a fanny pack. I would like to run outside and tell her the fanny pack fad died many years ago and she looks like an idiot. I'm wondering if she would take my criticism as a random act of kindness or be insulted. Stay tuned.

That's a wrap, lovers. Go forth naked and prosper!