Stone Cold Bone

Masturbation. I talk about it all the time. In here, with my friends, with perfect strangers I meet at sex shops who are there just to oogle at the merchandise and are shocked to find themselves having a conversation with a crazy blond women who is creaming herself as she describes the fantastic features of the toy they are pretending they don’t want to buy. (the crazy blond woman is me, by the way). Personal pleasure is important. Self-gratification is fabulous. Apparently, it’s been around since the dawn of the dinosaurs.

I give you, Exhibit A. The Stone Age penis.

Found a few weeks ago in Sweden, the press has been all atwitter over this carved piece of bone. Super smart archeologists found their minds trolling the gutter, searching for a use for this phallic shaped shaft. It’s strange the first thing that came up was a dildo. I know size isn’t the most important thing. But, if I was a prehistoric chick craving a quickie and there was no man in sight, I think I would have made my wonderwand a tad larger. After all, it must have taken a horny chick hours and hours to fashion such a piece. First, she had to make a weapon to kill the deer. Second, she had to kill the deer. Third, get the antler off the deer. Maybe she’d need a nap or a snack right about now. I don’t know about you, but I’d like a quick nosh and a snooze after all that activity. How’s some fire roasted venison sound? Finally, she’d have to carve up that antler and get rid of the sharp edges. I bet she was one frisky lady after all this drama over a toy that today, we can walk down to your friendly neighborhood smut shop and purchase for $29.95.

Frankly, I’m not buying it. After looking at this bone for a few minutes and doing a little mind flip thru my penis gallery (this took more than a few minutes), I stumbled upon a thought that had nearly had me scream “Eureka!” Who the hell was doing circumcisions back than? Clearly, this is an uncut dick. Those dirt diggers need to read up on their Sex 101 and look at a few prehistoric Playgirls. I’m guessing this was some sort of handle or pestle.

Boys….leave the toys to the experts. Next time you’re at a dig site and you think you’ve found a prehistoric dildo, please call me first. Don’t go on MSNBC. I’ll just make fun of you and you’ll end up smearing the pages of my blog.

Later lovers.

For those who want to read the full article, click here.

Please Excuse The Interruption

I know, I know.  I disappeared.  I didn't call, I didn't write.  I gave no explanation for my absence. I am an asshole.  I fell down the big ole rabbit hole and I have just finally clawed my way out.  The internet is a funny place.  You never know how popular you are until you're gone.  I'm surprised no one wrote my obituary and posted it on their blog:

"There once live a gal named Serena.  She liked sex, shoes and fabulous bread. She is donating her vibrator collection to a handful of single gals who have yet to find a good man."

For the record, I'm not longer at Satan's Workshop.  I left.  Not for bad reasons, but for good.  And in the future, I will not be discussing work.  Not because I don't want to.  But, because I have been threatened with certain death.  Seriously, the words "certain" and "death" were uttered in a single sentence.  Ever the sassy chick, I quashed the urge to ask how this death sentence would be carried out.  But, the point was made loud and clear. Talk = Death.

For all of you wondering about Partner #3 and his reaction to my leaving...it's all good. He wished me well and even gave me a hug.  As you know, I am not a hugger.  But, I completed the ritual with good faith.  It was an uncomfortable, lean in, quick pat on the back and make sure the mid to lower bodies don't touch.  He calls me now and then to see how I'm doing. The black-hearted bastard actually has a soul.  But, I know the real truth.  He misses me. Where else will he find an assistant as crazy as me?

I fired the Wax Nazi.  She was getting too weird.  It was making my VaJayJay stressed and no one likes a stressed vagina.  I have found a wonderful new person to tend to my ladybits.  She's fabulous, she's wonderful and she doesn't stress me out. She also does this really interesting thing where I spread my cheeks....sorry.  I should ease you in.  It's been two months since my last post. Baby steps.

I saw Sex and the City 2. I was disappointed.  I know its blasphamy. But, there wasn't a single good sex scene in the entire film.  We got a partial guy frontal with a hint of penis in the first movie.  What gives????

So there you go, lovers.  I'm back. Get ready. I've had two months to work on material.

Give Me A Sign

It occurred to me after taking this picture how truly warped my life has become. I was driving to my parents house, my car inching along on Route 93, barely making progress when this sign caught my eye. Without any regard to my personal safety, the safety of those around me and knowing my actions would be most likely rewarded with yelling and creative hand gestures (Boston drivers are notoriously “gesture friendly”), I stopped my car, rolled down the window, stuck my hand out and took this picture. Why, do you ask? Because I just had to share it with you.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Press 1 For #1, Press 2 for #2

Lately, I have become a raging eco-manic.  I compose and recycle.  I keep the heat turned down to 57 degrees.  I plan my errands so I do as little driving as possible.  And....I recently turned my beautiful dining room into a potting shed so I could grow all my vegetables from seeds.  Now, I have trays of seedlings stacked on every level surface.  It's well over 100 plants now.  Still not sure where I'm going to put them all once they're ready to be planted.  How many tomatoes will be produced from 20 plants........? Hmmmm.  That's alot of salsa.

I've also done my part being eco-friendly in the bedroom.  Remember my post on going green.  I've just ordered one of those solar powered vibrators.  I am shocked at the number of batteries we use.  One of my "tools" takes 6 AA batteries and doesn't last long.  A lot of coin for a few orgasms.

I realize its important to save the planet, save the whales, save the polar bears and all that stuff.  PETA and I might be friends if it wasn't for my love affair with bacon cheeseburgers and my affection for my great-grandmothers vintage coat with a mink collar (I still say she was the one who killed him).

Sometimes people go to extreme.  Take for instance the toilet at the Hot Chocolate Sparrow in Orleans:

(You should have seen the look on a womans face when I walked out, laughing hysterically and holding my phone.)

We no longer have the rule "If' it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down"   We now have a specific button for #1 and #2.  Awesome.

Kudoos to the 'Sparrow for being eco-friendly.  I bet that #2 button gets used alot.  It is a coffee house and we know what coffee does!

Don't forget!  I've fixed things on Facebook!  Come and get me!  I post more fun filled facts, naughty tidbits and update through-out the day!  It's better than Farmville, Mafia, that Fishtank thing, and all those other things combined!

Pole Greaser Wanted

Ever since my horrid appearance on Craigslist, I've kept an eye on the postings.  At first, it was to check the site for any mention of my name or blog.  Then, I started reading the postings.  Now, it's escalated to a thrice daily check of the Rants & Raves page for the ultimate in entertainment.

It is amazing the anger, effort and thought people put in to these postings.  Some postings are many paragraphs long and full of venom.  While I can understand the need to vent your furstrations, I cannot understand why people randomly write crap about people they don't know. 

Ironic.  I write random crap for people I don't know.  Most of you I would love to meet.  A few of you....mehh.  We may need to meet in a public place.  I shall employee 5 body guards and you shall talk to me in a walk-talkie.  I love me some fans.  But, a few of you....well, lets just say we'll be good friends on the internet.

I was scrolling through and came across the most interesting post:

Seeking a woman who is a good pole greaser to grease my pole. My pole is hefty and it will be in need of regular greasing to keep it in best of shape, so this could be an ongoing opportunity. This is a non-union, internship position, so there is no pay, but there is good experience, and it will look great on your resume. If you are eager and perform well, I'll make you a star.


The position can be demanding, and you should be ready to work at it for some time. So schedule plenty of time for it. You can take care of my pole at my location or yours. A good job could be rewarded with a fountain of surprises.

Applicants should send their picture and availability, as well as describe the attributes and talents that make them the best qualified pole greaser out there. A love of pole greasing will move you to the front of the line.


The position is open immediately. A tryout could be required.

Although I am an expert pole greaser, sadly, there is only one pole I'm in charge of greasing these days. If an of you can help out this poor man, check out Craigslist.  I hate to see a furstrated lover out there; especially he is such a creative writer.

For All Of You Searching For Me On Facebook

Alright, the Facebook drama will now be brought to a close.  I've received tons and TONS of email complaining they can't find my page on Facebook. I have finally figured out why no one can find me.

I didn't set up the page correctly. Duh to me!

Sooooooo.....here is the link to the new page.  FACEBOOK.  It's also set up (correctly) on the link to the left of the page.

For those of you with amazing Spiderman like computer skills who found me I would be very grateful if you could switch over to the new and improved page.  I will be posting to both pages for the next week or so, just to complete the transfer.

Love and good sex to you all this weekend!

I See The Naughty In EVERYTHING!!

Clearly, I have a problem.  I was looking out my office window, saw this truck and ran out to take a photo for you all.

If you are a faithful reader, I know you have the twisted mind capable of finding the naughty in this photo.  If not, drop me a line at utterlysinful@gmail.com.  I will patiently explain it to you.