Married Woman Seeks Boyfriend

My husband is fabulous.  Truly, he is.  Nearly five years of wedded bliss – 13 years together in total if you want to be accurate.  We’re the best of friends, we spend lazy Sunday’s going for long drives to the beach while drinking fancy coffee drinks and the sex….well….he could teach a few porn stars some new tricks.  In short, we’re a great pair.  Happy as two peas in the proverbial pod.

But, as in many marriages – maybe yours too – there often blooms a need for something more.  The desire starts out innocently.  Maybe a fleeting glance at the couple seated next to you in a restaurant.  Then, the want becomes more powerful.  You feel jealously when you spy a man and woman happily shopping together.  There are certain things your husband won’t do with you.  He seems less than interested in your latest outfit or doesn’t want to try out the new sushi restaurant.  He doesn’t care about your best friend’s latest boy toy and he has no idea what happened in the last episode of the Kardashians.  He’s still home for dinner every night and the sex is great, but you need more.  More.  More as in you desire the attention of another man. A man who cares about your new pair of strappy sandals.  A man who is proud to have you on his arm as you stroll in to the new coffee shop with the sexy baristas.  A man who will watch Ice Loves Coco and coo about Spartacus.  A new man. That’s what you need.

Well, Lovers.  I need a new man.  A new boyfriend.  I need the number one accessory of the married woman:  The gay boyfriend.

Every gay man needs a straight woman in his life and every straight woman needs a gay man.  They go together like Manolos and Carrie Bradshaw, like caramel and chocolate, like sprinkles and cupcakes, like cherries and whipped cream.  My friend idol Sarah has two.  They get pedicures together, bitch about men, go shopping and cook fabulous meals; all this without the chick drama that usually befouls a normal day with your girlfriend.  The gay boyfriend never competes when you're cruising the guys…..the two of you are usually on different taste levels. And he is always available to play “What the Fuck Does She Think She’s Wearing” as you sit peacefully at the bar, drinking Merlot and eating something yummy.

So, I’m advertising for a boyfriend.  Age is of no importance.  He must be into gourmet cooking, movies and long walks on the beach.  He must be willing to dish on his hot sex life and occasionally let me film it. He must love coffee, bacon, cake and think I’m enormously clever.  And above all, he must agree that if we ever see VinDiesel walking on the street, I get first dibs.

The German Cooks Italian

As part of my new found quest for fun (AKA I-Just-Turned-35-And-Holy-Sh*t-I-Haven’t-Done-Half-The-Stuff-I-Want-To-Do), I signed myself and The Husband up for a cooking demo at the Aqua Grill in Sandwich.  On the last Wednesday of every month, Chef Gert Rausch transforms his dining room into a kitchen and invites 65 guests to sit tableside while he dazzles them with his 35 years of culinary wisdom and fabulous personality. You leave with a full belly and all the recipes to make at home.  His past demos have included, Cajun & Creole, Aphrodisiacs, South Eastern Asia Cuisine, Popular German Cuisine and How to Cook Native Sea Bass. 

This past Wednesday was Italian.  The menu was simple but intriguing:

Cicheti (appetizers)

Baked Artichokes Wrapped in Bacon

Deep Fried Mozzarella Mini Sandwiches

Arugula, Shave Parmesan & Bristol Mini Sandwichs

Pasta Corso (pasta course)

Linguini con le cozze

(Linguini with mussels)

Ravioli co aragosta e spinacia

(Lobster and spinach ravioli)

Rigatoni al Ragu di Game Gallina

(Rigatonis with Cornish game hen ragu)

Artichokes Wrapped in Bacon and Deep Fried Mozzarella
Mini Sandwiches. Amazing!

I scored an excellent seat upon arrival – right at the front, closest to the demo.  If I could, I would have sat on the demo table.  I’m that interested.  TH and I munched on the appetizers and watched while adorable Chef Gert flirted with the ladies.  Guests greeted each other like old friends.  It seemed like this was a monthly activity for most of the folks in the room.

Chef Gert with his assistant Daniel. Daniel was a hottie.

As an added bonus, Martignetti Companies had been invited to the party and was conducting a wine pairing with each course.  We were being used as guinea pigs and would be deciding on the newest wine to be added to the Aqua Grille’s already impressive wine list.  I did not mind offering up my palate for such a worthy cause!

The first course was a Linguini con le Cozze.  I was nervous.  I’d never tried mussels. 

.

Well, what can I say?  It was gorgeous!  The pasta was a perfect al denti.  The mussels were delicately cooked with a garlic anchovies, chilies, oregano and white wine.  This introduction couldn’t have been arranged better.  I did find myself wanting a bit more heat and garlic.  I don’t think it would have taken too much from the mussels and would have added a bit more zip to the dish.

The wine served with this dish was a Californian Pinot Grigio.  It was like drinking white grape juice.  Did not get my vote.

The second course was Rigatoni al Ragu di Game Gallina. This was a cold winter’s night; sitting on the couch, in front of a fire with your loved one while dressed in your pj’s tucked into a bowl.  I wanted snuggle up to TH while I dug into this dish.  It was comfort mixed with the complex and deep flavors of game hen and the nutty parmesan reggiano shaved on top.  I got the feeling most people get when they love a certain dish: I was sad when my bowl was empty.

The wine served was a William Hill Chardonnay.  It is a “restaurant only” wine.  It stood up nicely to the richness of the dish, but really didn’t have much of a finish.  I wanted more oak. (BTW…this was the overall winner of the vote)

The last dish was a Ravioli con aragosta e spinacia.   I’m not normally a huge fan of the lobster ravioli in cream sauce.  I find it too heavy and it never leaves room for dessert.  Chef Gerts ravioli was none of that.  The champagne cream sauce was light, the ravioli flavorful and the surprise garnish of warmed chopped tomatoes and parsley tied it up nicely.  There would definitely have been room for dessert.

The wine served was an Edna Valley Pinot Noir. Many in the crowd were shocked at the pairing of a red wine with a seafood dish.  But, it was explained (I already knew, thankyouverymuch), that the richness of the cream and lobster would play nicely with the spicy Pinot.  This had my vote. I lost.  But, I’m buying a bottle for myself instead.

The experience was excellent. Chef Gert put Emeril Lagasse to shame with his quick wit and sweet smile. The only downer was the group of women cackling behind us the entire time.  Poor Gert doesn’t have a bullhorn for a voice and these bitches kept taking about their marital problems and such.  Thankfully, I had a saucy gal and her mother sitting beside The Husband and me.  She didn’t think twice when she turned around and told them to shut the hell up!  I love ya, girl!  Wished I’d gotten you’re number.  We could have torn it up together.

The Aqua Grille on the canal in Sandwich.  Got there, see Gert, get some good grub and learn a thing or two. Ciao, Lovers!  

It's Freakin' Chili!!

It's cold out....finally. It feels like winter. I love soup. It makes you feel comfy, cozy and it goes so well with my favorite thing....BREAD!!

I serve this up with a side of Spanish rice, warm tortillas, sour cream and quacamole. Super tasty and super easy. Get spicy, Lovers!


Texas Brisket Beef Chili
Borrowed from Epicurious.com

Ingrediants

6 large dried ancho chiles*
6 ounces bacon, diced
1 1/4 pounds onions, chopped (about 4 cups)
1 5-pound flat-cut (also called first-cut) beef brisket, cut into 2 1/2- to 3-inch cubes
Coarse kosher salt
6 large garlic cloves, peeled
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons cumin seeds
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 1/2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
1 1/2 10-ounce cans fire-roasted diced tomatoes with green chiles (1 3/4 cups)
1 12-ounce bottle Mexican beer
1 7-ounce can diced roasted green chiles
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh cilantro stems
4 cups 1 1/2- to 2-inch chunks seeded peeled butternut squash (from 3 1/2-pound squash)

Method:

Place chiles in medium bowl. Pour enough boiling water over to cover. Soak until chiles soften, at least 30 minutes and up to 4 hours.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Sauté bacon in heavy large oven-proof pot over medium-high heat until beginning to brown. Add onions. Reduce heat to medium; cover and cook until tender, about 5 minutes. Sprinkle beef all over with coarse salt and pepper. Add to pot; stir to coat. Set aside.

Drain chiles, reserving soaking liquid. Place chiles in blender. Add 1 cup soaking liquid, garlic, chili powder, cumin seeds, oregano, coriander, and 1 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt; blend to puree, adding more soaking liquid by 1/4 cupfuls if very thick. Pour puree over brisket in pot. Add tomatoes with juices, beer, green chiles, and cilantro stems. Stir to coat evenly.

Bring chili to simmer. Cover and place in oven. Cook 2 hours. Uncover and cook until beef is almost tender, about 1 hour. Add squash; stir to coat. Roast uncovered until beef and squash are tender, adding more soaking liquid if needed to keep meat covered, about 45 minutes longer. Season chili to taste with salt and pepper. Tilt pot and spoon off any fat from surface of sauce. DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 days ahead. Cool 1 hour. Chill uncovered until cold, then cover and keep chilled.

How I Enslave Men with Pasta

Food can be the deal breaker in a relationship.  If man isn't a good feeder, I'd probably kicked him to the curb.  There are obviously many other reasons to be with me: I'm good in bed, I have a beautiful bum, I'm fun, I'm good in bed, I have great taste in music, I have a snazzy personality, I'm good in bed, I have sexy hair, I have a good heart and I'm good in bed.  See, you want to marry me now too, don't you.

My one crown jewel is my Spaghetti Pie. Men just can't get enough of it.  It's slighty pathetic to fall for this dish and not something more complex.  I saw a similar recipe in a diet magazine and thought, "you know, that would be awesome if it just has some fat in it."  So, Lovers, I give you my secret.  If you're single, serve this to your next conquest.  I guarantee they'll be your love slave before the last bite.  But, don't use low fat or inferior ingredients.  It will ruin the taste of the dish.  It will also really piss me off.

Spaghetti Pie

Ingredients
1 lb fresh ground beef & sausage mixed (take sausage out of casing)
3 cups homemade marinara (or the jarred stuff - but it better be the good kind)
8 oz sour cream
1/2 c chopped green onions (green and white parts)
8 oz cream cheese, softened
5 cups hot cooked thin spaghetti
2 1/2 cups fresh shredded mozzarella cheese
Good olive oil

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Drizzle a tablespoon of olive oil in a large skillet.  Cook meat in a large skillet over medium heat until browned, stirring to crumble. Drain well, and return meat to pan. Stir in salt, pepper, and marinara sauce. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes.
3. Combine the sour cream, green onions, cream cheese and 1 cup of mozzarella cheese in a small bowl, and set aside. Place spaghetti noodles in a casserole dish and toss with a little olive oil.  Spread the sour cream mixture over spaghetti noodles. Top with meat mixture. Sprinkle with remaining cheese. Cover and bake at 350 for 35 minutes. Uncover, bake an additional 5 minutes or until cheese is bubbly. Yield 6 servings.

I Could Be Your Sleep Aid

It wasn't until a few years ago, I began having trouble sleeping.  Maybe it's the stress of the job, my age or my addiction to the Food Network combined with my inability to stop watching a show even though it's 2:30 AM and I have to get up at 6 AM.  I truly could not tell you why I'm plagued with insomnia.  I've tried everything, hot liquids, extensive masturbation, (ya know, because it's been proven after an orgasm, the release of endorphins acts as a natural tranquilizer that relaxes you) boring books - nothing works.  Yoga has been the best medicine. After a week of yoga classes, I sleep like a newborn babe....in between feedings.  I'm not into new age hooey, but that shit works for me.  But, the job hasn't allowed me the freedom to enjoy a downward dog with a side of warrior.  So, I'm back to roaming the halls until the wee hours.

The Husband could sleep thru anything.  It takes less than 15 minutes from the time his head hits the pillow until he's enjoying a peaceful REM cycle. The entire Notre Dame marching band could parade into our bedroom, play two or three songs, then parade out and he wouldn't hear a thing.  He snores like a freight train with ungreased axles and hogs 3/4 of the bed at any given hour. 

Thankfully, there are some nights I start to feel sleepy at a reasonable hour (and there's nothing on the Food Network that interests me or I've see all the reruns of Sex and The City).  The Husband is in bed with his laptop watching YouTube videos, porn, something with guitars or whatever because he's not tired.  I snuggle down into my pillow, roll over to my left side, tuck my legs up slightly and slowly start to relax.  I'm 95% there.  I've almost crested the hill to dreamland and I'm about to go thru the gates....

It is at this very moment The Husband decides he's horny and maybe we should have some sex.

Now, before you get all up in my face about I've told you how much I love sex and I like to have it anytime, any place, yada, yada, YADA - let me tell you, I was ready and willing 10-15 minutes before my head hit the pillow.  In fact, he'd had the 2-3 hours before the 10-15 minutes to decide to do the deed.  I was ready, willing and able.  Now, I'm trying to sleep.  Just because he's not tired and wants to sleep doesn't give him the right to turn me into his own personal dose of Ambien. I will tell you, that's exactly what he's doing.  He's bored of YouTube, there's nothing on TV, he needs to get up early, why not bang the wife and get those endorphins.

Well, I took one for the team.  It took me 5 minutes to fully wake up.  As always, I enjoyed it.  He's a stud, the man, all that and a bag of chips.

It's been 15 minutes since the final orgasm.  The 200 decibel snoring has begun and there is a giant, muscled, hairy leg in my area of the bed.

I'm wide awake.

Just 'Cause I'm On A Diet Doesn't Mean I'm Dead.

I flirt shamelessly.  I sass the pizza guy for discounts on my weekly pie, I pout at the owner of the deli to get free cookies (he's gay and it still works!), and I use my phone sex voice when I need something from guy on the phone.  I admit, it gives me a secret thrill to have a sexual power over these guys.  TH calls it sex as a weapon and admonishes me when I do it.  It doesn't make him mad.  He just says it's not fair.  I'm silently promising something these men will never get.  They know it. I know it.  It's all in good fun and TH gets extra pizza.  We all win.

I was reading this article on The Huffington Post yesterday.  (LINK)  It was about a couple who kept their marriage fresh by harmless flirting.  Now, I have to say they were a bit more extreme than I would be.  I would never go over a persons house to help them get bread out of a pan and stay for cocktails.  But, I indulge myself with some back and forth every day or so.  You've seen me do it on my Facebook page.  Do I meet up with these guys and have hot illicit affairs?  Hell No!  I have a gorgeous, sexy, amazing husband in my bed (sometime on the couch).  I have no room or need in my life for another penis.  But, it never stops me from playing the game.

I got an email the other day from a fan.  He mentioned he had erased some comments because he was worried his wife might not approve.  I understood.  I wrote back and told him I could relate with his wife. (I also offered to meet her for drinks so she could see I'm totally harmless).  He wrote back and told me he felt like a piece of shit because he didn't want me to think he would treat his wife poorly or seem like a bad husband.  I didn't think that at all.  He's been around the page for awhile and we email now and then.  He's a sweet guy.  (and very cute too, I will add).  I would NEVER think way about him.  He is a decent.  I wrote him a long email back and let him know we were totally cool.  He should never worry about the flirtations with me.  If he wanted to stop any back and forth, I was fine with him.  We're good now.  Back to being buddies.....and discussing the finer points of foot massage and my thoughts of lesbianism toward the girl who does my pedicures.

Now, you may ask what is going on during these flirtations.  NOTHING.  If I'm sparring with you via email or on Facebook, it's all in good fun.  I don't have my hands down my pants and I'm not breathing heavy.  More often than not, I'm doing some major financial crap or solving an IT crisis while we're talking.  I shall give you a moment to marvel at my skillz.  Sexual innuendos and whiz bang accounting calculations.  I am a goddess.

Keeping a marriage fresh is hard work.  I've only been at it for 4 years and I feel it.  Those of you going on 10-15 years and you're still getting down and dirty after that amount of time, I bow to you.  If you want to email me your secrets, please do.  (No pictures.  I've filled my quota this year all ready).  Harmless, fun and sexy flirtations with a hot piece is an excellent way to add spice to your life without ruining your marriage. "Looky no touchy." The old saying holds true, "Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu".  If the menu has a sexy man holding a piece of dough smothered with sauce and cheese, I will.

Random Thoughts and Musings - Part 2

-I have become a spiller.  I have started to spill everything on myself - coffee, mayo, frosting.  If it stains, it finds its way to the front of my shirt.

-Rice Crispy treats can be substituted for breakfast.

-My assistant asked me to help assemble his "Otter Box" when it arrives with his new iPhone.  Words cannot describe how I will mock him through-out the day.

-For those of you who haven't seen my Facebook post, my cheese from The Fabulous Beekman Boy's is finally coming after being on the wait list for 6 months.  I am a food geek and I love cheese.  I also love gay men and have this bizarre fantasy I should own a farm even though I don't like to clean up animal poop or get up early.  Want this has to do with cheese, I'm not sure.  But I'm excited.  I'll post photos. 

-The Husband has started to buy me these little figurines made out of recycled metal.  They're cute, but not my style.  And they creep me out.  Imagine seeing this first thing in the morning.:

I'm trying to convince him to return to kitchen item gifts before I start having nightmares about metal creatures trying to eat me.

-I am addicted to "Chopped" and the "Iron Chef" on the Food Network.  It's becoming an issue.

-I had lunch with my estranged Grandfather on Saturday.  We hadn't spoken in over 15 years because he thought I was living in sin.  (I was living with my boyfriend out of wedlock - The horror!!!)  He's a Mormon so he's a bit touchy about those subjects.  It seems like the years have chilled him out a little and we had a nice visit.  I didn't tell him about my blog, the fact I'm a sex manic or that I've posed nude for dozens of paintings that have hung in public places and in people's homes..  That might have bought me another 15 years.

-I met one of my followers on Saturday.  She was adorable.  I think Facebook is the new way to make friends, much like Match.com is making couples. 

-I forgot to renew the satellite radio in my company car.  My assistant borrowed my car and moments later called me, spitting mad asking where was "our" satellite radio.  I think I've spoiled him.

-I read Steve Job's 2005 speech to the Stanford graduates.  I'm reevaluating my life.  He says to do what you love.  Unfortunately, a brothel that serves gourmet food would not pass at town hall meeting because of all the overly conservative blue hairs.

-In all seriousness, I read the speech, it made me think and I've decided I need to be happier.  I spent Saturday afternoon and evening cooking.  This was the first time in 4 weeks I've been able to really get down and dirty in my kitchen.  It was a food orgy.  All I'm saying is there was lots of bacon involved.

-Here is the link to the speech.  Read the damn thing. Go make yourself happy.

And......scene.