Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Gods Must Be Crazy - HASAY Update

I know, I KNOW....I'm late with my HASAY Update. Casey has already given me a big nudge with her gigantic broomstick....the witch!

I have been getting up at the ass crack of dawn to run every morning. We have been experiencing a beautiful Indian Summer here on the Cape that never begins until I have finished my morning run. It is frigid out there, ladies and gents. I always think that I'm totally covered until I walk out on the front porch and Jack Frost slips a cold finger into the waist band of my pants and somehow figures out a way to chill my butt. The pervert. I don't know what it is but only my ass gets cold. I will arrive home, sweat dripping from every surface of my body and my butt is a block of ice. I'm sure if I licked my hand and slapped it to my ass, it would stick.

My eating habits this weekend mirrored those of a starving football team. I ate pizza and Mexican take out. I fully blame this on Big K as he used his sexual prowess to sway me into eating takeout. All the man has to do is bat those hazel eyes at me, say "take out?" and I'm gone. If he's not around, I'm an angel.

On Monday AM I woke up bright and early, donned my snowsuit and trotted down the stairs for my sneakers. Usually, I wake up both dogs and they beat a path down the stairs and run for the back door to be let out to do their business. But on this particular morning, only one dog was excited to make the trip downstairs. The other was cowering in her bed, afraid to look at me. Usually this behavior is a result of a nightly "accident" that she knows about and that I will discover upon my trip downstairs. She's old so I try to forgive her. It's always near the back door so I know she trying.

I prepared myself for the nastiness, already cursing the clean up that will shave 10 minutes off my run time. I got to the kitchen and stood shocked at the disaster before me. It was as if the Exxon Valdez had unloaded it's tanks on my kitchen floor. It was on the walls, the radiators....everywhere. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen in my entire life and it took me an hour and 15 minutes to clean up. After I was done, I threw away everything that I had to use...brush, mop, bucket, gloves, towels etc.....removed my clothes in the laundry room and sat in the shower for 30 minutes under the hottest water I could stand.

That's all I will say about it because I am still scarred and I don't want my faithful readers to be so disgusted that they will never read here again.

I once read about a girl who had her own cleaning company that specialized in cleaning up the remains of murder scenes and those horrible events where someone dies and no one finds the body for weeks. After the body is removed, she comes in with industrial strength cleaners and tears the place apart. I'm pretty sure that I could work for her now after my Monday morning disaster.

I think someone is secretly plotting against me in this challenge and fed my dog some prunes or something. I also think that they have hypnotised TH into feeding me takeout.

I will prevail! They have just opened up the Cadillac of gyms down the street from my office and I'm joining today. I have quit the estrogen factory that I used to belong to and will now be able to work out with men too! Most of my guys are joining as well so I will get extra heat from them if I'm not seen there on a regular basis. TH is joining too and will accompany me on the weekends.

Here I come, baby! Ready or not!


  1. I think you only joined HASAY so you could insult me, am I right? I'm seriously impressed that you get your butt out of bed and run in the cold weather. It got in the 50's here a few weeks ago and I could barely drag my ass out of bed. Screaming toddler did the trick. That's disgusting about your dog, we've had similar dog messes here so I feel for you. Have fun joining the Cadillac gym, it sounds like it'll be good motivation if all of your dudes join too. I said all of your dudes like you're a big hoebag and have lots of male companions but I meant in the nicest way possible. Go HASAY!

  2. How about waking up to the acidy smell of cat vomit, to find out that a large orange chunky puddle just ruined your favorite chair?

    That is no fun, either.

  3. Ahh, yes, the doggie cleanup first thing in the morning. Had a dog one time that did that a lot. Glad he's gone!

    You sound like you're doing just fine. Oh, and quitting the girlie gym is the best thing you could have done. Those places are just depressing on too many levels!

  4. An hour and a half of poop detail. Seriously, that sucks. That's got to count for some kind of calorie burn. Good luck this week. Stay away from take-out, it's evil...and delicious, but EVIL.

  5. The cleanup should count as something. I have trouble getting out running in cold weather too.

  6. Casey: Like I tell my guys, if I stop verbially abusing you, watch out. I only mock the ones I love!

    Yes, I am a ho-bag. Did I tell you that I actually run a male brothel and I'm not really an office slave! :)

    BadAss: yes, but did you sit in it?

    Lola: Hated the girlie gym. No motivation!

    Mrsbear: Take out is the devil! But sooooo yummy!!!

    Heinous: Dude, I deserve a metal for that clean up. The cold weather sucks but, it is really beautiful first thing in the morning with all the frost.

  7. I love that you won't let poo or sleep stop you. When I need to get rid of a body or at the very least, bodily fluids, I'm totally calling you. Also, sorry...I may have fed your dog a green shake and it gave the poor thing the runs. Again, my apologies.

  8. Well if the cleanup incident killed your appetite, then at least that will help counterbalance the not running part.
    I hope your dog is ok, and not sick. You might experience a repeat. I guess it's good it wasn't your carpet. Or bed.