Monday, November 17, 2008

Inquiring Minds

My day of randomness spurred some questions from my faithful reader Morvy. Since she was one of my first readers, I will entertain her questions post haste.

1. So, how exactly did you cut your tongue? I have absolutely no idea. I had alot of work done on my mouth at an early age. I had a mouth widener (this always invokes laughter and blowjob jokes. I will try to sustain) It was one of those nasty plates that they install on the roof of your mouth. My mother would crank it open more and more every week, widening my teeth. I also had graphed gum surgery on my lower teeth. They took gum from the top of my mouth and affixed it to the bottom below my front teeth. So with all those hands in my mouth and all the work being done, I'm betting someone slipped and forked my tongue. I discovered it in fourth grade and had many years of disgusting and horrifying my classmates. It's especially effective when I flip up my eyelids too.

2. Who on earth served you bologna with cottage cheese rolled into it as a child? On the weekends, my mother was always looking for the easy lunch. She would give us a plate with some bologna rolled up, some slices of cheese, sliced fruit and a scoop of cottage cheese. For some reason, I thought that the cottage cheese would taste good spread out on a piece of bologna and then rolled up. I'm weird like that.

3. The ear thing is kinda freaking me out. Like what part - the lobe or what? It is weird, I know. You know how kids have a blanket with the silky stuff on the edges and they rub that? I think that is where it started. I tend to rub TH's ears when they're cold or lukewarm. I like the whole thing and I just kind a rub it with my finger. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. I'll do it to my sister sometimes too. I guess when I was growing up I did it to my brother all the time.

4. What is with women wanting to get a concealed carry permit? Did Diana get you started on that? She's trying to convince me I need one but I don't think that will fit in the diaper bag! Growing up I was always interested in crime drama's, mysteries etc. I started out reading the Bobbsey Twins, moved over to Nancy Drew and the to RL Stine. I have always wanted to work in the field of law. I worked in the records department of a local police station when I was in high school. I got my degree in Criminal Justice and even tested in the top 5% to enter one of the local police departments before I graduated. Unfortunately, I never went anywhere with it. There's just not that many opportunities around here. I still would like to get my permit. The best and easiest permit is to get is to carry concealed. That way it's easier to transport and use. I don't have a gun and really don't plan to anytime soon. I would like to get my permit because it's a good thing to have.

6. And why aren't you speaking to your brother or sister? Well, this is quite a story.... The reason I'm not speaking to my brother is that he is an asshole. He is self-centered, immature prick and makes everything about him. He ruined last Easter and Christmas for me by being a big jerk; making snide comments and showing off in obnoxious ways. My mother made me include him in my wedding party and in every picture he's in, he's making faces or poising so it's all about him. He ruined the all portrait pictures by doing this. I've just washed my hands of him.

My sister is a different story. She is a senior in college and last spring she asked TH and I if she could come live with us for the summer. The summer job market on Cape Cod is booming and she wanted to try it out. After long and careful consideration, TH and I decided that having her live in the house wasn't a really good idea. Our house isn't big enough to have three people walking around and not constantly bumping into each other. We're really private people and we both work hard. We like to have quiet privacy when we're home. (Even though TH's idea of relaxing is to turn the radio up to top volume and sit in the bathroom) It's tough to relax when there is someone always in the house. She's my sister and I wouldn't be able to treat her like a roommate. I would feel bad if I wasn't including her in stuff, if she walked in and we had just finished dinner I would have to make her a plate because I felt rude, etc. I would have ended up resenting her and that would have led to a fight three weeks into her stay.

Well....that answer did not sit well with her and she got her snit up. But, gets worse.

She was turning 21 in May and for 6 months we had been planning her birthday. I had been saving up and promised that I would take her and all her friends club hopping in Boston with a limo. That is what she wanted. It was going to be an uber expensive night, but she is my baby sister and I really wanted to make it special. As we counted down towards the big day, she began to get nervous that some of her friends wouldn't be able to come. They hadn't turned 21 yet. So, I told her that they all could come down to my house on the Cape and we would have a huge weekend long party. Sort of like an old fashion sleepover, but with tons of booze. We could go to Ptown during the day, go to this seedy 18 or older club in Hyannis at night and just have a great time. I would host the whole thing. She seemed interested in the idea and said she would think about it.

A week before her birthday, I called and asked her what the verdict was. I needed to make arrangements for the limo if we were going to Boston. If they were coming to the house, I needed to find activities to keep TH upstairs the entire weekend. She said said she had decided that she was just going to hang out at school with her friends and make it a low key night. I understood and told her she and I could do something special ourselves.

I found out later that she had gone to Boston nightclubbing with her friends and totally blew me off. It was her way of getting back at me for not letting her stay at our house that summer. I was so hurt.

She and I are barely speaking now. I saw her this past weekend at my grandmothers house and we kinda grunted at each other. I'm hoping that she's coming for Thanksgiving, but that's a toss up. Who knows. I've always wanted to have that real intimate sister relationship with her but she only seems to call me now when she wants something. We have a ten year age gap, so I'm attributing it to that.

My beloved Heather wanted to know why I don't have any self esteem. Well my love, I don't have a clue why. If you meet me, you will find me outgoing, loud and very friendly. I will talk to anyone about anything. I am accepting of everyone and will go to the ends of the earth to help someone in need. I have a self deprecating nature that works well for comedy. But everything that I say in jest is usually exactly the way that I feel. I am unsure of everything I do and say. It's awful! My goal is to be self-actualized by my 40th birthday. 9 years and counting....

Oh well, everyone needs something to overcome. I will prevail!


  1. hello...

    You are officially a whack job. And you don't return calls very well. There i have blogged...i feel creepy

  2. Chester 6464: JOSH!!!! I know I'm a whack job, YOU know I'm a whack job. I totally return all your calls. I call you more than you call me! And...just so you are creepy. But, I still love ya!

  3. Well I was going to say something witty but it's hard to follow up the "Whack Job" comment :)

    There's 11 years between my sister and I...she just turned 18 this summer...and I find it really hard to have that close, sisterly relationship with her. Hopefully, for you and for me, it will change as they get older.

  4. So you're a forked tongue, wide-mouthed, sibling fighting ear rubber with lots of opinions but little self esteem?

    You're nothing if not interesting. And, since I haven't done a lick of exercise and my diet consists of Edy's (Buy 1 Get 1 Free at CVS!) and pretzels, you're poised to kill me in the bet. So life is good.

  5. Meg and Colin: Yes, Chester (aka my childhood friend Josh) is quite witty if not extremely honest. But, he is totally nuts.

    I really hope that things get better. Got luck to you too!!!

    Daddyfiles: Yup, that's me in a nutshell. I love Eddy's! But, I've been quite good and joined Fitness 500 yesterday, running most mornings. I will let you out of the bet if you want. I will take pity. We could start another one on Jan 1st and think of something equally horrify as a prize. That way we will have time for a body fat weigh in!

  6. I always used the eyelid trick growing up too, it works wonders. Too bad I didn't have the snake tongue to go with it.
    You sound a lot like me, loyal to a fault. Sorry about your ahole brother and sister. I'm close to my brothers but these days, they only call when they want something. It's so irritating.

  7. That balogna cottage cheese concotion haunted my dreams this weekend...and not in a good way. Also, I'm pretty sure I know your brother. Well, someone like him. He's my brother-in-law. You, my dear, haunt my dreams in a good way though.

  8. cream ;) - I think everyone has one or two family members that make life interesting - and with the holidays coming up.....what's that saying? You can pick your nose but not your family - I don't remember how it goes, oh well...

  9. I told my wife about the bologna and cottage cheese thing, and she laughed until she realized I was serious. And then she stifled back vomit.

  10. Ahh, yes, family, it's never easy. The self-esteem thing will get better. You'll get to be my age, and you won't give a shit about what anyone thinks about anything, I promise!

    The bologna thing is just sickening, really. I like to fall asleep rubbing my dog's ears. Is that the same thing?

  11. We used to take bologna, put it on a plate with a little ketchup, then a slice of fake american cheese, and microwave. It was our version of pizza cuz we was po.

    Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your siblings. Mine don't speak to each other either. As in, none of the 3 of them speak to anyone else but me. And 2 of them don't speak to our mother either. I'm the middle child and I used to always try to interfere and get them to talk to each other, but they always just end up back like this, so I gave up.