Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Diving Down and Crotch Watching

Things are getting stale here on the Cape, but that's why I love it. After the last lost tourist has finally found the bridge and makes their way off this rock, the real party begins. The natives emerge after spending the entire summer slaving away at their resort jobs waiting on those ungrateful bastards or those of us that hibernate in our homes because we can't go out on the main roads or we will be stuck behind some fucking minivan full of people driving 15 mph because they can't seem to find the beach even though this place is a fucking peninsula and all you have to do is go north or south and you will hit water within 5 miles.

Damn that felt good. But, I digress. My intense hatred of tourists can wait for another post.

TH and I actually went out on a Saturday night. I'll give you a minute to recover from your surprise.

Better? Okay. It took me a few breaths to get through it as well.

TH is a die hard Van Halen fan. He had the biggest man-crush on Eddie Van Halen, believes he is a Rock God and we should all worship at his red, black and white splattered converse sneakers. When Van Halen decided to tour again this year with David Lee Roth I thought he was going to have a epic meltdown. We just HAD to go to both shows. I admit it, I dig Van Halen....but only if Sammy Hagar is singing. I think David Lee Roth is the disgusting. There is nothing worst that a guy in his 50's who thinks he's 30 and is still trying to bang all the young broads. What makes it worse is that they want it. Gross! The man's hair is so bleached that it's falling out of his receding hairline.

When we went to the concert I was relieve that Dave had cut his hair and invested in hair plugs. The show was fun for me; for TH it was a religious experience.

But that's not what we did on Saturday night. On Saturday we went and saw a Van Halen cover band called "Diver Down" (for those of you who are non-fans, Diver Down was the name of a Van Halen album). We have seen them many times before and it is an entertaining way to spend a Saturday night. They tour down here maybe once a year or so. TH and I have seen them a few time and have even met the band. They are a cool bunch of guys. We went and saw them at a biker bar many years ago and the guitarist protected me during a huge brawl. I thought it was cool that some Hell's Angel bouncer was going after some guy with a baseball bat. TH thought I was crazy that I thought the whole thing was cool. What can I say? I don't get out much. Bar fights interest me. I'm not quite sure what had gone down to make the crazy Hell's Angels guy so mad, but he was pissed. That was one of the more interesting Diver Down experiences. Saturdays show was in the entertainment section of a nice restaurant that is frequented by the 60+ crowd. No bar fights that night.

Yes, ladies and gentleman. That is a shirtless man wearing golden sequined snakeskin skintight pants and a ladies wig. The first time I saw it I nearly wet my pants I laughed so hard. But, his butt looks really nice.

David Lee Roth is played by a guy named Charlie. By day, Charlie is a clammer in Chatham here on the Cape. All his fishing buddies come to see him preform and they are a rowdy crowd. Charlie is actually really talented and sounds an awful lot like DLR. I just can't get over the fact that he is in spandex and a ladies wig. In fact, he has been having so much trouble finding these offensive outfits that the ladies are now offered $5.00 off per ticket if they donate their old spandex to him. I have an awesome pair of velvet leopard print that I'm never giving up. No way, no how.

This is Amos. He plays Eddie Van Halen. Amos is a from England and I think he is the most adorable little man. He's quite petite and comes up to my shoulder. When he's just hanging out talking to me I just want to pinch his cheeks he's so cute. But, when he's on stage shredding Eruption, I just want to tear his clothes off. There is nothing yummier than an awesome guitar player.

This is the drummer. I know absolutely nothing about him.

I couldn't get any pictures of the bass player. The drunken crowd had reached the front by that time and every picture I took from then on had 4-5 hands in it. These pictures were also taken with my camera phone. Thus the poor quality.

So the band is three quarters way into their set and the place is getting wild. I was the volunteered designated driver that night and TH was already feeling really good. Any minute, I was sure he would start doing this head bobbing dance move that is a combination of moderate headbanging and a seizure. When other people watch him dance and then look at me, I give them the "I know it's embarassing to watch, but I love this man" look. To be fully executed, this patented move requires 6-7 beers and he was well on his way. Being stone cold sober and surrounded by drunk buffoons, I had reached my Van Halen tolerance level earlier than usual and began my favorite game....people watching.

I had eyeballed a half circuit around the room and had made my way back to the stage again. Charlie was doing a fabulous cover of "Running the Devil" complete with DRL inspired moves. As he performed the signature move of "head thrown back, chest and pelvis jutted forward" I noticed something I hadn't seen during the first part of the show. Someone had forgotten to wear his skivvies underneath those skin tight pants and every pelvis jut was making the turtle pop out of the shell.

After that it was like a car accident. I couldn't tear my eyes away. In only a half a song (that's how much pelvis jutting is required) I was confident I could describe....with utter certainty....exact size and width. It was very chilly that night and a bit cold in the room so I'm gonna give him an extra inch out of kindness. This image still haunts my brain and not in a Wow-that-was-hot but in a Eewww-why-won't-this-vision-leave-my-head.

What is it with me and crotch watching? First it's the camel toe, now the turtle is out of the shell. REMINDER PEOPLE: Look in the mirror before you leave the house. Twist and turn to make sure nothing pops out or gets pinched. There are perverts like me on the street that see everything!


  1. That is the reason why men should not wear tight pants.

    Unless they are striving for their crotchular region to look like a sideways division sign.

  2. God knows we all need an extra inch...

    Except for me of course. No help necessary in that department. No siree bob. Strong like bull!

    Oh ok fine. I'm hung like a gnat. Whatever.

  3. Did you ever think maybe he MEANT for you to see his Johnson? He could have been fishing for groupies...

  4. First remind me not to be drinking a beer next time I read your post. Second, I need to find an email my aunt sent me that describes the very reason men should not wear white colored biking shorts.

  5. BadAss: Yes! Men in tight pants = BAD

    Daddyfiles: That's not what MJ told me....

    Casey: Ewwwww!!! His wife attends the show and he's very vocal about it. It was a definate faux pas!

    Kat: White colored biking shorts OR white bathing suits!

  6. No comment. Can I leave that here on a comment board. No comment. I'm just laughing too hard.

  7. Okay, seeing geriatric Van Halen is bad, but a cover band with turtle pants is WRONG on so many levels.

    If the old guys are going to continue to play, which with their talent, they should, they must dress and cut their hair age appropriately. Except for Steven Tyler. He can still pull it off.

    Glad you guys got out, though! I LOVE the Cape off-season. Who needs to sit in traffic for an hour just to go to the grocery store?

  8. LOL...now I feel the need to see them.