Friday, January 15, 2010

Atypical + Outspoken = Help For Men

I'm on Facebook now!! Come and find me. Just search for "Utterly Sinful" in the page section!

As you know, I am the atypical woman. I love sports, hate shopping (unless its for shoes), own porn and admit to having gross bodily functions. (Get over it, ladies. Everyone farts) Most of my friends are guys and I only hang with the really cool girls. (The ones who also admit to having gross bodily functions). You might say I've got balls. Well, not real ones. That would be gross. Let me rephrase that. I have hypothetical balls.

I love my celebrity gossip rags and sometimes I'll pick up a Cosmo, Lucky, Glamour or Vogue. They're repetitive crap, but offer some form of amusement when I'm stuck in the pedicure chair for an hour. The other day, I thumbed thru one of those silly men's magazines full of gadgets, bad workouts and products that promise to make you the manliest of men. After I oogled the shirtless hunks, determined which ones I thought were gay but still yummy, I started reading the articles. I chortled in amusement at an authors attempt to give advice on women. He or she - I forgot to check, but it wouldn't have made a difference - was listing "What you should never say to a woman". I applied my atypical status to these questions and here are my thoughts:

Anything bad about her guy friends If I'm hanging out with an asshole but I'm too ignorant to notice, please tell me. If you're just being a dick because you're jealous, then we'll have problems. Either way, it's important to get it all out in the open.

I'll call you Friday. I'll know you're full of shit. So when you do call on Friday, it's a pleasant surprise.

Anything that hints at a "future" Again, full of shit. Again, pleasant surprise.

How many guys have you slept with? This is only because they might be embarrassed if my number is larger than theirs. Go ahead. Ask me. I'll give you a number, but it's more of a guesstimate. Even I'm not quite sure.

I left you a message the other day, but didn’t hear back. What happened? The thought behind this one is it make the guy sound like a whiny pussbag or....dare I say it....a woman? I don't think it sounds like either. If I left someone a message and I didn't hear back, I'd want to know why. It doesn't make me whiny. It makes me annoyed at an unreturned phone call.

Do you like me? I think this is the pussification fear again. I think this is a valid question. It does not make a man sound like a big girl.

Can I take you out on a date sometime? I find this question sweet and endearing. It's also appeals to my desire for people to be forthcoming and stop pussyfooting around things.

Can I kiss you? Cute and endearing. Right out of a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie. I'm kvelling!

How much do you weigh? I weigh 167lb. What's it to ya? I enjoy telling people how much I weigh. Nobody believes I weigh that much.

During a fight, blaming her emotional instability on her period. You can say it, but you'd better be sure it's right. Either way you're fucked. I have no issue telling people I'm in the throes of a full on Medusa rage. It's only fair when your emasculating someone for reasons unknown to you. Gentlemen, we have no control over ourselves during this time of month. Be kind and hide. That's my only advice.

Why are you mad at me? Go ahead. Ask me. But, before you do, make sure you've eaten, gone the bathroom and found a comfy stop to sit. We're gonna be talking for awhile. But, after it's over, the wounds have healed and I've allowed you to come out of the cellar, I'll be touched you noticed I was mad in the first place.

No wonder men are always in trouble. The advice given in those stupid magazines has shaped them into the duds they are. I should start my own rag - Everything You Want to Know About Women. It's time someone was honest with these guys, steered them in the right direction and showed them where a clitoris is. (Hint: It's 2 inches from where you think it is.)


  1. There are guys out there that actually ask how many guys a woman has slept with? My answer; none of your damn business. As long as I'm not bringing any nasty friends to the party you don't have to worry.

    "Be kind and hide" This is the exact advise my husband gave to our sons when they were little. Their wives should thank him later.

  2. Guys should never attempt to learn anything from reading magazines. Those articles exist only to support the articles in women's magazines that say "How To Deal With Your Man When He's Being A Douche".