Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Random Tuesday - It's Like The Beginning Of A Good Orgasm

I had 5 days off (in a row) around New Years. I don't know how people can have that much time off and not go insane. I was one Lifetime movie away from a mental breakdown. I need stress, chaos, phones ringing and schedules for my life to function properly. I nearly wept with joy when I pulled into my parking spot at the office today. I don't care if I have a newly minted three weeks paid vacation time on my 2010 calendar. I'm not taking it!

I saw my beloved cousin Leslie over the holidays. Leslie has dreadlocks. Long dreadlocks. They remind me of big, hairy turds.It was creeping me out because I kept expecting something to jump out and eat me. I swear, things are living in there. So icky.

For Xmas, I got one of those puzzles that looks really cool, but if you pull out a wooden pin and take it apart, you will never put it back together before your family has you committed. I told myself I wouldn't touch it. After all, it was really pretty looking. All different kinds of wood that fits together to form a cube. It could be a paperweight. Well, that lasted a little over a week. I lost control on Friday and it's taken me three days and lots of swearing to put it back together. I just finished 15 minutes ago. Of course, there was no one awake to witness my triumphant accomplishment. I did a quick happy dance and told myself I would never take it apart again. Ya right...sure...like that will stick.

The guys at the office told me they were buying me new boobs for Xmas. I knew it was a joke, but I was still disappointed when Xmas passed and I didn't get boobs. Oh well. My birthday is in March. Maybe it will happen then.

For the record, the Associates decided to get me the boobs, not the Partners. I don't want to get that statement on the record incorrectly.

I have decided this is going to be an amazing year. I don't know why. I just feel it. It's like the beginning of a good orgasm. You just know it's gonna be fantastic.

One of the Associates told me that I'm in his "Spank Bank". I don't know whether to be flattered or grossed out.

For those of you who don't know about the "Spank Bank": It's a place in your mind where you keep your fantasy people. Then, you make a "withdrawal" when you're having your "alone time" (READ: wacking it) My bank is chock full of yummy men; VinDiesel, Jake Gyllenhall, a cute guy I saw the other day in the grocery store. The inventory changes from week to week. I like to keep my vault fresh.

I want a cat. TH doesn't want a cat. I'm just thinking I should get a cat and just bring it home. What's he gonna do? Divorce me? That would make him an asshole.

I've decided I'm kinda grossed out about the Spank Bank comment. Too much info, dude!

That's a wrap lovers. Take those panties off. Mine are!


  1. I think we all have a spank bank but we just don't have a name for it.

    I had two weeks off and didn't want to come back to work.

  2. Honey I recommend getting a pussy. I got myself some Christmas pussy and he is soooo cute and my life is so much better.

  3. Don't get a cat!!! We have two and I really regret getting them. These bastards live forever and my husband won't let me whack them.

  4. Ahaha! I'll have to ask hubby about the Spank Bank. I'd be grossed out if one of my coworkers told me I was in his though.

    Get a cat! Get a cat!!