Monday, January 4, 2010

Honesty Is My New Policy, Says The Queen of The White Lie.

I consider myself to be an expert when it comes to the truth. I can smell a lie like a fart in a car. I've been bullshitted up and down the block for years and can usually bag a real stinker. Of course, my considerable talent of lie catching comes from years of practice, for I am Queen of the White Lie. I can pull a doozy out of my pocket if the need should arise, but the white lie is my lie of choice. If an Academy Award was given for the best lie, I would be nominated. This year I may have some competition (ahem, Tiger), but my white lie skills should pull me through.

White lies are a necessary evil in life. Even if you want to scream "YES, you are hugely fat and look like Jabba the Hut! Put down the french fries and take care of your body before you have a heart attack" to a good friend who complains night and day she is super fat but refuses to take responsibility for her weight problems and eats terribly, you must restrain yourself out of kindness and spin a little lie. "Well, I'm sure you would love to be healthier. Do you want to go to the gym with me?"

It's tough to keep track of a lie. If you tell too many, they build up on each other. You must remember where you are in this maze and which lie you told last. Who was the last person you told? Was the lie the same lie you told others? Do those people know each other? Could they figure out you lied if they all got together and compared notes. And so on and so forth. It's exhausting. How do politicians keep from cracking under the pressure?

I always feel bad after I lie. Although, I have an innate talent which allows them to spew forth from my lips unchecked, I feel the truth would serve someone better. This could be my New Years resolution, but I'm still working on that. My resolutions come in spurts. After last years list remained unchecked, I've decided my resolutions will be uttered spontaneously through-out the year. But, I digress. Back to the untelling of lies.

I decided to test my theory on Partner #3. After all, he has no feelings and everything bounces off his blackened heart of ice. For the most part, I'm honest with him. I tell him when his clothing looks ridiculous, I tell him when he's being mean and I'm always forthcoming when we're talking about a business matter. I NEVER tell him when he hurts my feelings. I'm pretty sure it would give him too much pleasure.

Anywhoo...on to the experiment.

He's made some comments about he and I being "friends". I don't know what his definition of friend is, but mine does not contain the words "abuse, torment or gain satisfaction from anothers mental anguish". Just because I spend more time with these guys than I do my husband, family and friends combined does not make us buddies. I always tell him that "no way in hell" are we friends and he just laughs it off. So, the other day he made the friend comment, I volleyed back with the "No way" and then....out of the blue...he said the strangest thing: "Why?"

Well, this was different. Why aren't we friend? Hmmm.....Gee....Lemme think.....'CAUSE YOU'RE EVIL!

Remembering my promise to be honest, I did my best. Instead of laughing off his question or leaving the room, I simply said: "Because I don't like you."

Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw his reaction. His face went from stunned, to worried, to....dare I say....hurt.

"You don't like me? Really? Why?" he said in a small voice.

Oh, the comments were swirling around in my little head. I could feel venom pooling up on my lips and hot blood coursed through my veins as I prepared to blast him for all the times he's sent me home in tears. But, I could not do it. You see, I am a decent person (Dammit!) So, I grabbed the kindest, most gentle and straight forward of the them all.

"I don't like you because you are mean, selfish and self-centered person. I'm not friends with people like that." I said in a tone I hoped wasn't too harsh sounding. I was starting to feel terrible even though I was talking to a man I considered to be Satan himself. A man who, at times, was intentionally cruel so he could get a thrill out of my reaction. A man who rarely acknowledged my efforts. A man who toys with my emotions. I felt bad because I might have hurt his feelings. How fucked up is that?

Fortunately, someone interrupted our conversation before he could utter a response. He only offered me a bewildered look before business became a priority and my comment was left in the dust. But, like dust, it seeped in to a crack and has been holding fast in his mind. He has been respectful and almost kind since our conversation. Of course, this journey to Nevernever Land could end at any moment and the vicious comments could start again. But, I've seem to make a tiny chip in his soul of blackness. Maybe it just took the truth to set things straight. I have to say it's made me feel pretty damn good. Don't go getting all excited and start thinking we're friends. This process could take years. Much like aging a fine wine or cognac, it must be done carefully and at the right temperature. Fuck it up and all you're left with is some nasty tasting shit in a bottle.

This truth thing isn't so bad. I don't think I'll use it all the time. Much like a new pair of stilettos, it may take me a few wearings to break it in. Although this is my first experiment, I can honestly say, I'm pretty happy with the results. And that's no lie.


  1. Also...completely psyched I'm the first to comment. WOOHOO.

  2. Huh. I called the assistant manager an ass's kind of similar. He just looked at me, said 'yep' and walked away.

    Not the reaction I was hoping for. Glad to see it worked well for you though! Good luck with that...friends...thing. And the truth thing. Truth is good. Usually.

  3. Yeah, sometimes truth can only be handled in small doses...

  4. WOW. Glad you were able to tell him how you feel. I hope it'll make him a tad nicer in the future, but I won't hold my breath.

  5. Freakish.

    I was too honest with some of my in-laws over Christmas. Not so clever. Ah well.

  6. Maybe all he needed was a bit of the truth to take a look at how others see him. Then again maybe in a while he'll decide it is not worth the effort and revert to being an asshole. I say grab up all the contriteness now.

  7. I can spin a good lie, too. I made the mistake of telling my wife that once, and she didn't believe a thing I said for the next week.