Friday, January 29, 2010

Abstinence Makes For A Cranky Bitch

When a door closes, someone opens a window. When one of your senses weakens, another is suppose to buck up and take it's place. If you can't get one thing, you can hopefully find another to replace it. Just take Renee Zellwegers character in the movie "Down With Love". She claimed to use chocolate as a substitute for sex. While watching the movie, I often wondered how she kept her size zero waist if she was scarfing Hersey Bars.

Like every red blooded American woman and a few Down Unda (Hi MadWoman!), I'm trying to stay on a health kick. Now that Big K has been told he needs to eliminate carbs so he can eliminate some poundage (more on that later), I'm doing my wifely duty and going as carb free as I can. It's not fair to inhale a bowl of spaghetti if he's picking at a salad. I'm not sure how long this do-gooder attitude will last, but I'm trying.

My health kick started last week. After tabulating my expenses from 2009, I was shocked to discover I'd spent over $500.00 on take lunch. Quickly transferring the figure to "how many shoes would I have been able to purchase", I vowed to brown bag it and save my precious pennies.

No longer allowed to "get lunch out", I began to miss my every-other-day rendez vous with the fabulous tomato bisque from Lamberts Farm Stand. Really just tomato flavored cream, this luscious, velvety soup was my get-outta-stress free card. Nicknamed "Orgasm Soup" (apparently, I make "Mmm Mmmm" noises when I eat it), it was something I looked forward to. I also miss my gigantic turkey, bacon, avocado, sprouts, and swiss sandwich on warm homemade 7 grain from Le Petit France Cafe. Nummy Nummy!!! Who cares if I went into a 3 hour food coma after consumption and the bacon made a home on my hips. It was food paradise.

Like any true junkie, my withdrawals came fast and furious. At first, I thought my crankiness stemmed from being tired and annoyed with everyone I work with. Then I realized, I'm always tired and always annoyed with everyone I work with. Nothing new there. Then I blamed it on PMS. Well, that argument wouldn't hold water. PMS was over a week ago and DMC (also known as During Menstrual Cycle), wasn't the reason for my nasty behavior. Sure, I was fat, bloated and bleeding. But, this carried over to F&CT (also known as Free And Clear Time). No hormones to blame.

Then, I was begrudgingly eating my daily nonfat yogurt (Blegh!) and perusing Facebook, it hit me like a Big Mac to the face.(Oh, I would kill for a Big Mac right now) I needed a substitute for my substitute. You see, I'm gonna be 33 years old soon. As you may or may not know, women hit their sexual peak in their 30's while men peak out in their late teens - early 20's. I'm finding the further I go into my 30's, the crazier and more ravenous I become for sex, sex, and more sex. I obtain a unique pleasure from tasting food and it has become apparent I've used my love of delicious nibbles to quell my other healthy appetite.

I tried to do some research on pleasure centers of the brain to see if I've got some sort of disorder. Hmm. I shall call it "NeedsSexOrACheeseBurgerosis". But, without a medical degree or a crash course in Latin, it is impossible to figure out. Some say the pleasure center is in the septum pellucidum, some say it's in the nucleus accumbens. And even a few more say it's in the hypothalamus. Unless I stick myself in a Skinner Box, I'm on my own.

Now, it's Friday. Two weeks complete. I've got my homemade turkey sandwich on a wheat wrap with swiss cheese, low fat mayo, avocado and lettuce. Also packed is my nonfat yogurt (Blegh!) and an apple. Not exactly ambrosia, but good for my penny-pinching-waistline-watching self. For those of you working with me today, I apologize for my bitchy attitude. If you wish for me to whistle while I work or even crack a smile, please bring me a Big Mac, large fry and a large Diet Coke or a willing to have crazy monkey sex on the spot, naked VinDiesel. Either poison will do. I'm dying in here.


  1. As I sit here eating my lettuce filled sandwich and two rice cakes with a side of water to wash the cardboard down, I am also laughing. With you, of course, not at you. I commend the fact that you're doing this along with Big K...that's more than I can say for Hotty Hubby who sits here almost every night scarfing down giant bags of my favourite Sour Cream & Onion chips and giant bars of chocolate without gaining much of anything. Although, he IS starting to get quite noticeable love handles, so my day may be coming :)

    Good luck getting through the next two weeks. I figure it takes a month to break the cycle. At least.

  2. Do you know what I would pay for a BigMac right now. The nearest Mc.Ds is 30 min away(if you can find parking)!

  3. I eat what ever I want. I just make sure to work out every day.