Thursday, February 18, 2010

Man Handles and Moobs

I was having coffee with a friend one morning when she leaned over and said in a conspirative whisper, "I have a problem". I waited a beat for the inevitable - yeast infection that won't go away, weird sex request from lover, sex toy question or the admittance of an affair. But, what she said surprised me.

"My boyfriend is starting to get boobs. I don't know what to do about it"

Oh yes. The classic man boobs or, as I affectionately call them "Moobs" have attached themselves to her man as stubbornly as any pair of love handles. (Apparently, he has those too). In seems some men are predisposed to moobs. Any few pounds gained and not destined for the spare tire or love handles adhere themselves to the man breast area and give the appearance of a healthy A-cup.

Women get a bad rap when we're comfortable in a relationship. It is always said once a woman gets her man, she starts to lose interest in keeping up appearances. And after kids - forgettaboutit. Make way for the “mom jeans" and the evitable "mom bob." (short hair cut) I've been guilty of this. Sometimes I just don't feel like prettying myself up after a long day. I'll take a shower, slap on a pair of fugly pajama pants, throw on a ripped, possibly stained sweatshirt and snarl my hair up in a ponytail. This look doesn't even pass as cute. It's lazy and the elastic waist is anything but sexy. But, I'm comfortable and that's all that matters. If he's not turned on, I'm sure my vibrator will be.

I confess, I like a chunky man. I like a little beef on the sides. But, this is not about me and my love of a husky man-candy.

When a man begins to "nest" is it appropriate for him to turn in to an albatross? Let's throw the health issues - high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke etc - out the window. When your man starts to resemble a whiskey barrel and might have to shop for a training bra, is it okay to say those three words a woman dreads to hear:

"Honey, you're fat"

Fat. It's a terrible word. It doesn't have a jovial sound to it like "roly poly" or "pleasantly plump". I would rather be called a filthy whore than be called fat. At least I know the filthy whore part isn't true.

Men have it easy. Once they dazzle us with their washboard abs, meaty biceps and perfectly round derrieres, we're hooked 'til death do us part. Then, the washboard starts to resemble a keg, the biceps begin to sag and the roundness disappears. We're trying the South Beach Diet, the Sonoma Diet, The Zone, Atkins, the Grapefruit - starving ourselves while their banging back Buds. Running miles on the treadmill with Giselle Bundchen's body (pre-baby, during pregnancy and post baby) being hung like a carrot on a stick in front of us. He's laughing with his buddies over his new six pack that was "Built by Bud".

Gentlemen, if you desire us to look like Megan Fox, Pamela Anderson or the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, you have to look like McDreamy, Johnny Depp or that guy from Twilight who's always showing off his abs. It's only fair.

1 comment:

  1. This is, perhaps, my favorite double standard in the world.

    Men can get fat and get away with it. Women cannot. It's not fair and it's not right. But I'm damn glad I'm a man. Because yes, I have budding Moobs and definite love handles. But it's not as earth-shattering as it is for my wife if she were to find herself in the same predicament.

    Consider it payback for women always getting to decide when/if sex is to be had.