Monday, February 22, 2010

Who Really Controls The Bedroom?

Daddyfiles comment to me on my Moobs post started my brain spinning and it hasn't stopped since. He claims the overall acceptability of men's weight gain during nesting is direct payback because women decide when or if sex is to be had. So, over the weekend I pondered: Who really controls the bedroom?

Society, sitcoms, every men’s magazine and 90% of humans with a penis say the woman controls whether or not a towel shall be draped from the bedroom door knob. The old saying "I have a headache, dear" has been done to death. Even proof of sex curing a headache hasn't shaken society’s death gripe on this age old bullshit. Whoever this man is that had this experience and started this rumor should be hunted down and made to endure childbirth or something equally as heinous. I haven't had a child, but videos and first hand accounts have assured me it's very uncomfortable. He should be hung from a tree by his toes and forced to give my husband a pedicure. (His feet are soooooo disgusting). This man has single-handedly set up a gripe for every man who has come after him.

Personally, I have never used the headache excuse. Oh, be assured, I have used excuses. But...wait for it....those excuses'll never gonna believe it....TRUE! That's right, fellas. At the moment of impending foreplay, I was (and these are in no particular order of use) really tired, not feeling well, having my period, or just not in the mood due to my emotional state. Even I, someone who is ready to drop my pants or pull up my skirt at any point during the day - who is horny 99.1% of the time, is some times just not able to perform. I have taken "one for the team" if I want to make TH happy. But, there are day's when it's just not gonna happen.

Women are given a bad rap when it comes to sex. If we like it too much, we're a slut. If we like it too much and sleep with too many men, we're me a whore. When we're just not in the mood, we're boring in bed. How can we win? Shouldn't we be afforded the same sexual freedoms as men? Should we be allowed at least a pass when we're on the rag?  Doesn't bleeding count?  Nothing irritates me like the statement - "Oh, we can't have do anything 'cuz you're on the rag".  Yeah, like I chose for this to happen to me every month just so I can get out of having sex.  You've got me.  It's a conspiracy.  All this bloating, psychotic behavior and binge eating is a giant ruse. It's just because I don't want to have sex for the next few days. Aren't you the smart one.

For the record, men are just as bad as women. All you guys out there who are saying "I don't know what she's talking about, I'm always ready for sex. I NEVER say no." Yeah right. You're full of shit. You say no plenty of the time. You just have way of saying no which is stealthy. It's sneakier. You just fall asleep. You know even if we are just off a chocolate and oyster eating binge, half drunk and arriving home from a night at an all male strip club, the sight of your slack jawed, drooling face combined with the symphonic range of your snoring will send our sex drive back to our ovaries where it will hide, quivering, until we can revive it again by watching some George Clooney movie. Oh yeah. You know I've got ya pegged.

The control in the bedroom is up for grabs. You could be like me - never take no for an answer and mount your husband even if he is snoring and drooling. He'll wake up before I'm done. I'm sure of it. Or, you can roll over and rub one off. If you're not getting any from the person who took those vows with you - for better or worse, 'til death do you part, sex shall be had at least 3-4 times per week - I suggest you just lay there and give yourself that orgasm you were looking for. Ladies, the guy won't be able to stand if for more than 30 seconds. Even the most exhausted man will get a woody if he knows a chick is masturbating. Even the thought of a nub rub will post a shlong. Gentlemen, you have two results from this act - either she'll be turned on or she'll be so grossed out she'll shag ya so she doesn't have to listen.

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