Friday, August 22, 2008

Adjusting the Package

"Men have a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to use one at a time" - Robin Williams.

When men aren't touching other men in a "manly sportsman-like manner" they are always touching themselves. It wasn't until I was continuously around around a large bunch of men that I noticed how often this was occurring.

I'll be in the middle of a serious conversation with an associate and he casually reaches down, lightly jiggles it, all while talking and without missing a step. During a monthly meeting, I missed an entire 20 minutes due to watching another associate "flick" himself every 2-3 minutes or so. It was like a car crash. I couldn't tear my eyes away from it.

I thought I was going crazy. I needed to know why this was happening. What was with the constant grabbing, flicking, and jiggling? Were they checking to make sure it was still there? Aren't they embarrassed that they are essentially grabbing their balls in front of me? I usually require at least one date and a dinner before that turns me on.

I got a few really interesting answers:

Sometimes it sticks to your leg - That is just gross. First of all, what is making it stick? Second, you have just disclosed to me that you are not wearing any underwear.

It's a mannerism, like scratching your head - There are too many obvious jokes in this statement for me to list here.

Sometimes, when you're sitting things get bunched up down there - Okay, I can see this. In the rare occasion I decided to wear underwear, I have to make some adjustments now and then.

It's so big, I have to move it around alot to make it comfortable - Totally lying.

Sometimes it has a mind of it's own and moves unexpectedly - In other words, you have a gigantic boner and you're trying to hide it.

We're adjusting it like you adjust your bra strap - This makes no sense. We adjust our bra straps because they are digging into our sides or creeping down our arm.

It itches - Yes, I understand that may happen. But, if you are itching it 400 times a day you might want to make a trip to the drugstore. They make a cream for that.

Apparently, crotch grabbing is a big thing with superstitious Italian men. They do it to ward off evil or if they pass a funeral. They also grab it for good luck. Either way, they touch themselves ALOT. Public crotch grabbing was actually banned in Italy. It's pretty bad when a judge has to tell you to stop touching yourself in public.
My childhood friend, Josh claims that sometimes you have "Different Package Days". Some days, it's feels just really big. Some days, it doesn't feel like it's yours. (I still don't understand this one). And some times, you just don't feel well or it's cold out and it has shrunken up to the resemble a small nub. He suggested I purchase some "paraphernalia", stick it in my pants and see what it feels like. I'm all for experimentation, but that is pushing it.

Baseball players do it constantly. But, they're also sweating and wearing a cup. To my knowledge, I don't think any of my guys wear a cup to work.

I guess it's a comfort thing. Kids have a blanket or a stuffed animal to carry around for security. Men use their penis. I just wish that they wouldn't constantly use it in front of me.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You and my wife could talk about this for hours because I am a chronic ball grabbing crotch adjuster.

    If I'm sitting on the couch at home and it's just me, Will and MJ, then rest assured I'm touching myself. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it, honest to God.

    But it does stick to your leg. Especially when it's hot and it came happen even when you're wearing underwear. And if it's REALLY hot then our balls droop down to our knees, which requires even more adjusting.

    And yes, sometimes we just get massive boners and that necessitates some shifting. But think about it? If you're at a meeting and a male colleague has a boner, wouldn't you rather him shift it as opposed to him getting up and showcasing a pup tent. You have no idea how much of a problem that can be. Normally we just tuck into the waist of our pants and then hold it in place with our belt. Just make sure the tip doesn't stick out past the waist!

    My wife gets so grossed out by this but nothing is ever going to change. Guys play with their balls and touch themselves. It's going to happen no matter what. You're just going to have to get used to it I think.

  2. Dirty Dirty Men! You should buy them powder.

  3. Daddyfiles: I'm all for hanging out with MJ but I'm not sure if I want to talk about your balls for hours. I'm sure we'll touch on the subject, but hours??? I don't even have discussions about my husbands for that amount of time and I really like his.

    Anonymous: I wonder what they would do if they came in the office on Monday and each one found a thing of baby powder on their desk...Hmmm...that is an interesting idea.

  4. I beg your pardon but I happen to think my genitalia is worth at least an hour of discussion. But then again I'm biased.

  5. Daddy files: Okay, I'll give it 30 minutes. After that, I'll need at least one more drink before the subject can be brought up again.