Monday, August 25, 2008

Don't Knock it Until You Try It

Why does every heterosexual man think every heterosexual women is a closet lesbian?

According to the overstimulated animals I know, if I ingest enough alcohol I will forget my current taste in men and start making out with a random woman while all the men I know watch. Apparently, this will take place a bar, the random woman and I will both be scantily clad and quite possibly covered in flavored oils that we will start licking off each other.

Let's break this down:

Alcohol: The last time I consumed the mind numbing amount of booze required for me to forget who I was, I puked all over my shoes. There is nothing sexy about that. And I was royally pissed I ruined the shoes.

Current taste in men: I like men and I married one. While I'm sure he would love it if I brought someone home, it's just not gonna happen. (Sorry Big K)

Random Woman: When I was single, I didn't even make out with random guys. Okay...maybe one or two.

Men Watching: No No and NOOOOOO!!!!

At at Bar: I do frequent the occasional bar.

Scantily Clad: I can't remember the last time I went out in just a thong and pasties.

Flavored Oil: I find wearing flavored oils while out at the bar to be a bit sticky.

Licking: I'm not licking anything off a "random" anyone!

So, I have destroyed that fantasy. But, 2 guys I know cannot be swayed. They are totally convinced that this could happen. I told them that I'm not against the whole concept, it's just not my thing. It's a matter of taste. Everyone has a different appetite.

One of them told me, "You can't knock it until you've tried it. You should always try new things before making a decision."

I turned right around, looked him square in the eye and said "Likewise."

Well, that statement came as quite a shock. Me - 1 Them - 0 !!!! I won that conversation. I guess this fun little theory doesn't work both ways.

If I had the urge to explore this side of my sexuality, I would come clean. I admit that I had a fantastic dream about Pamela Anderson once....okay, twice. Sure, the thought has crossed my mind. But, it was quickly replaced with the image of Michael Phelps.....shirtless or Orlando Bloom waiting for me in the shower....naked or Christian Bale lying on the beach glistening with oil....naked.

Don't get me wrong, I've had offers. Woman, couples....I've been propositioned. I've just never felt the urge....even with alcoholic assistance.

Sorry guys. I will continue to pretend that this is something I would consider....just for you. But, you first!


  1. All women are 3 drinks away from girl on girl action. I'll believe that til the day I die.

  2. daddy files: Do you have physical proof of this? And I mean video, not your memory.

  3. Honest to frickin God I did have video proof at one point in time. However, it was destroyed by my absolute wuss of a friend for fear of being used as evidence at a future court trial.

    Something about a reasonable expectation of privacy...whatever that's all about!

    I also have other evidence but...I just can't ever unearth it for fear of retribution. However, provide me with 3-4 drinks and I just might start spilling the secrets!

  4. Okay...when are we going for beers? Would a shot or two make you spill faster?