Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Here Comes Medusa

She's here. I could feel her nipping at my heels yesterday. Thoughts of her were in my head last Friday when I was tearing apart the office looking for a piece of chocolate or any kind of dessert item. My skirt was really tight yesterday and this morning I couldn't even zip up my favorite pants. I am moody, irritable, bloated, and ready to fly off the handle at any moment. Yes...ladies and gentlemen...it's that time.

Men don't understand how if feels to turn into a raving lunatic for a few days every month. They make jokes, laugh and assume that any bitchy women is having PMS. Well, she probably is and you did something to piss her off. It could be anything. I sincerely hope that for the next 2 days, no one comes in my office to tell me that the copier/printer is out of paper. Ordinarily, that would cause me a bit of minor irritation. But, I smile as I get out of chair, walk around my desk, out my office door, down the hall, into the copy room, get out a ream of paper that just happens to be stored right next to the copier, open the tray, insert the paper, close the tray, smile again, and walk back to my office, around my desk, sit down in my chair and then try to figure out what the hell I was doing before I was interrupted by one of the same four guys that always seem to use the copier when it has one piece of paper left in it. The same four guys that I have given countless lessons on how to refill the paper. The same four guys that always manage to jam the copier with umpteen pieces of paper that I have to surgically remove while crawling around on the floor in a skirt and heels with my ass in the air.

God, help them if they do it today. I saw one of them heading towards my office this morning and felt a prickle up the back of my spine. But, he was just coming to say Good Morning. I felt bad immediately. I'm sure the first signs of a flesh melting stare had come over my face and I hope that it wasn't too obvious. He didn't make his fingers into the sign of a cross and run back to his office to loop garlic around his neck, so I must be in the clear.

I am usually a very patient person. You really have to work me over to get a rise out of me. But, not for these next few days. I recently read that deep breathing can help you in times of stress and high anxiety. Apparently, we don't breathe correctly and helping our brain receive more oxygen will make an event less stressful. If you watch a baby breathe, they inhale and take oxygen in as a "belly breath". Their entire stomach moves. I've tried this and it actually works. Sometimes when I'm a bit stressed, I turn my chair around and stare out the window, taking deep breaths. But, it doesn't work today. I tried and almost hyperventilated....and I can't breathe deep because my pants are so tight I'm afraid the button will pop off and launch itself across my office.

The only think that will save me (besides an exorcism) is something naughty to eat. Nothing makes me feel better than something sweet-salty-crunchy-chewy. I'm not a big fan of chocolate and my craving last week has me a bit concerned. I hope that I'm not evolving.

Please pray for the men in my office and that the copy machine doesn't run out of paper. Also, if someone could please drop off a cream cheese frosted cupcake from Fancy's in Osterville or some sweet potato fries from Persey's on Main Street in Hyannis to my office, I would be forever grateful. These are the two items I am craving at this moment. If you check back in five minutes, I'm sure I'll need something else.


  1. So when guys refer to this time of the month as "Blowjob Week" I'm sure that doesn't upset you at all right?

    After all, you can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die! ;-)

    (Thanking my lucky stars I'm in Falmouth and not the Hyannis area right now!)

  2. I know that this is "Blowjob Week". How else can I repay my husband for putting up with my behavior! The poor guy. I swear, he must secretly watch my package of BCP to find out what week is "that week" My jaw is getting tired just thinking about it now!

    Hey, at least we have blood to spare. Robin Williams once said that "Men have a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to use one at a time"

    Who said I was in Hyannis? I might be in Falmouth....I have many locations....Da Dum Da Dum (that's the theme song from Jaw's, in case you were wondering. And if you're in Falmouth, I could really use one of those Spinach and Cheese croissent things from "Pie in The Sky" bakery by the Steamship.

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