Friday, August 29, 2008

Caffeine Orgasm

I believe the single-cup coffee machine is one of the the greatest inventions of all time.

I have the coffee curse. I can't make a pot to save my life. I always get the measurements wrong, either the water or the grounds. I can have someone standing next to me, coaching my actions step by step and it still comes out undrinkable. The result is a substance resembling thick, gritty paste or dirty water.

The single-cup machine makes it perfect every time. You pull the little shelf out, stick the pod in, push the shelf back in and press the button. A little whirling noise and that beautiful stream of caffeine heaven pours out into your cup. I have decided that this process is very similar to masturbation. You always achieve perfection every time and you can do it by yourself.

My addiction to coffee has been passed down from my mother. She must have a cup within 5-10 minutes of waking. She doesn't resemble a human until the first half of the cup has been drained. I can manage until I get to the office. This is probably because I'm too cheap to buy a cup on the way. I'm probably the only person around that doesn't foam at the mouth at the thought of Dunkin Donuts. I think their coffee tastes terrible. One day I calculated that I spent over $15.00 a week on take out coffee that I really wasn't happy with. Now, we have that perfect little machine tucked in the breakroom.

A good cup of coffee is ectasy. You hold the hot mug in both hands and lift it towards your face. The steam tickles your noise and teases its way across your lips. Have you ever noticed that you breathe in just before you sip a drink? It brings the taste of the coffee over your tongue. That first sip of a fresh cup is pure bliss. Like a fine wine, I let it sit on my tongue, savouring the flavor and the heat. Upon swallowing, I can feel the heat move down my body, under my breasts and curl up in my stomach.

Well, I'm off to have my third orgasm....I mean cup..... of the day.


  1. OK, everyone thinks I'm a weirdo for this but...

    I don't drink coffee. In fact, I HATE coffee.

    People have told me they don't trust people who don't like coffee. And I'm a morning person so my wife absolutely freaking hates it when I'm all chipper and ready to go in the a.m. and she needs at least one cup o joe to get herself going.

    And don't even get me started on the oh-so-specific ways people have to order their coffee.

    "I'll have a large, iced, decafe, Hawaiian Nut crunch with skim milk, three sugars, with a styrafoam cup around it so I don't get any condensation on my hands, stirred four times in a counter-clockwise motion and then once clockwise."

    Damn coffee fanatics!

  2. Daddy files:

    You are a weirdo, but not cause you don't like coffee. Don't you at least like the smell of it?

    I understand your wife's annoyance with your morning perkiness. There is nothing more grating than that. Big K's like that sometimes and I want to throw something at him.

    I'm a flavored coffee with skim milk. Very boring. Just give me the damn thing!