Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Linx, Plaid & Dimpled White Balls

This weekend, TH and I made our annual pilgrimage to the TCP Deutche Bank Classic in Mansfield on Sunday. Normally, the thought of watching 18 holes of golf makes me long for that bikini wax. But, I will admit a professional match is interesting. Tiger Woods's crowd follows him like a pack of dogs in heat, pushing and pulling for a glimpse of him, screaming "Git in the Hole!" after ever shot he makes. But, he's out with a knee injury. So, the crowd was quite tame this year.

For the past four years, I have been painfully learning how to play. Golf is a great business tool and more deals have been made on the course than in the board room. I thought it would be a important skill and I know TH loves to play.

I'll tell you the truth, I suck. It's probably because I don't play enough and when I did take lessons I spent more time talking to my instructor about his social life and porn than I did learning how to swing the club properly. If I do get a decent swing with my driver I can smack the holy shit out of the ball. My father-in-law says that "once I get my ass into it, I'll drive it even farther." Apparently, I'm "all arms". Whatever. All I know is that I like to drive the cart and I get bored after about the 13th hole or so. I also make inappropriate gestures with my golf clubs, I make noises when I use the ball washer and I've had the Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader duel. (refer to the movie "The Sweetest Thing" if you don't get that last part) I'm a blast to play a round with if you don't want to be serious.

The most interesting part about golf is the fashion. (I'm a girl, give me a break!) What other sport encourages men to wear pink pants with a white shirt, a pink hat, white belt, matching pink and white shoes and no one questions his sexuality? (I swear, the aforementioned ensemble was an actually worn on Sunday.)

I like to wear the most obnoxious outfits on the course. On Sunday, I was trotting around in green, white and yellow plaid carpis. I looked like a preppy leprechaun and I wasn't even playing golf. Madras just became fashionable and I've been wearing it for years on the course. When I played in our company tournament, I decided to go "girly". I wore a baby pink shirt with my little capris, my green and white golf shoes, stuck my hair in braids and wore a baby pink hat with the Callaway symbol in glitter. I wouldn't be caught dead in public in this outfit, but on the course I fit right in.

The rules of golf are simple: don't piss off the players in front of you or behind you....especially if it's my father in law. Be polite and wait your turn. Never "hit into" the players ahead of you. The last time this happened while I was playing with TH and my father in law (we'll call him Bigger T from now on), TH hit the guys ball back at him and Bigger T hit the other guys ball in the woods.

A guy I know lives on the course....literally. I'm sure he's there right now; swing clubs, making deals, smoking stogies and banging back scotches. I admire his ability to do this. I can barely play, much less do important business at the same time. That takes alot of talent! I really need to learn to play better so I'm not stuck in this office. I was an embarrassment at the company tournament. But, I did manage to impress with my monster drives. I must have gotten my "ass into it" then.


  1. Just a clarification here: the golf tournament you attended is in Norton, not Mansfield.

    Norton is where I grew up and we will not be associated with those unwashed miscreants from Mansfield! =)

  2. You're right. I get confused. It's right on the Manfield/Norton line.