Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Fakin' the Ta Ta's

What women hasn't wished that some part of her body was different-better-smaller-larger-thinner-thicker-wider-shorter-taller etc. Even the most self-actualize look in the mirror and wish some tiny part was slightly altered.

I am no exception. I want bigger boobs.

I have wanted breasts from the time I was 10 years old. When all the girls were out buying training bras, I was just waiting for something to happen. Everyday I would stand sideways in the mirror and look for the tiniest bit of improvement. Actually, I do that now. Nothing...still!!! I did the "I'm must increase my bust" exercises so gracefully described in Judy Blumes "Are You There God, it's Me Margaret" and I ate lots of bananas because one of my friends had told me they would make me "huge". Nothing worked.

In high school I stuffed my bra with anything I could find, socks, cotton balls, shoulder pads....if it was round, it was going in there. I even duct taped them together during the prom to attempt some cleavage.....the next morning was not pleasant. Duct tape does not remove with the greatest of ease. It took a month before all the adhesive was off and I regained any feeling in the nipple area.

Finally, Victoria Secret took pity on all of us who are Ta Ta challenged and created the Miracle Bra.

Still nothing.

I did not look like those women in the commercials and I felt like I had water bags sitting on my chest. Since then I have tried the all of the "push up" bras on the market.


I finally bought the fake know, the things that look like chicken breasts....and stuffed those in there. I went up a cup size, I had some cleavage....and one of those things fell out the first time I bent over to pick up something. It's tough to explain why a sack of silicon fell out of your shirt to a clerk at the grocery store. I just picked it up and stuffed it back in. I have no shame.

I need more than a Miracle. If I took all the money that I've spent purchasing bras to fake my rack I could have used that money to get a fake rack. I got refitted and remeasured at Lady Grace one day and found out that I had gone down a size. How is that possible? This is not an area you wish to reduce. I celebrated with a monster burrito and a gallon of margaritas while crying to my mother that I had no sex appeal and I was going to get really fat so I could have boobs.

I don't want to go all Pamela Anderson. Just something tasteful that allows me to fill out the top of a bathing suit without looking like I have the chest of a teenage boy.

I have been desiring the fakes for at least 15 years now, since I was 16 years old. I've got a doctor to do it, I'm ready to go. Every year, I ask Big K for them as a Christmas present. Every year he laughs, says that would be fun but buys me something else.

As we were watching the golf match on Sunday, I made a comment about another women's fabulous rack and stated that I really wanted ones just like her.

Big K glanced over and said "Well, if we're going to get them for you, you're going to have to wear all sorts of crazy outfits so I can see them all the time"

Huh? He is seriously considering this? I wanted to jump up and do handsprings all over the green while screaming, "I'm getting bigger boobs!" But, I didn't. I kept it all inside. No one gets bigger boobs in jail. And I'm sure that Sergio Garcia, Mike Weir and Ernie Els aren't interested in my quest for larger knockers.

I told Big K that I will parade around the house topless everyday if he makes good on his statement. I will wear pasties, tube tops and string bikinis. Hell, I'd wear those to work I would be so excited.

Christmas is in 118 days. Hopefully Santa will put some C-cups in my stocking.


  1. Ahh favorite commenter. Still reading my ridiculous blog I see. With fans like you, who needs enemies! Thanks for reading and keeping my stats up!

  2. I am not anonymous 1, 2, 3 or 4 just someone who reads your blog, do you realize that it could be different people. I am anonymous b/c I can't stand to have another password in this technology/username and password drenched world! Your fight with anonymous is making me not want to read! =( Both of you should ignore each other

  3. My wife wants a boob job too but I just don't see why. There's nothing wrong with a B cup and more than a handful is a waste. Plus those suckers are expensive!

    And where is this anonymous drama coming from?? Some idiots have too much time on their hands.

  4. My comment was a generalization. I treat all "nasty" anonymous comments the same. I think it's only polite to return a comment. But, I'm tired of it and I refuse to waste my precious moments on responding to nastiness.

    I do understand that whole password/username thing. It's a drag.

    All the same, thank you for reading.

  5. Daddyfiles: If I had a B cup I would be in heaven. Sadly, I mysteriously been resized to an A cup.

    They are expensive! Did you know that they have payment plans now!!

    The drama is totally over. I'm so done with it. People can say what they want..I'm in the clear! :)

  6. You are ruining the reputation and credibility of those you work with!

  7. Anonymous - Not sure how my desire for larger breasts has anything to do with the people I work for but all the same, thanks for reading!

  8. Hey Diamond: FYI - when you get preggers the fun bags grow and grow and grow - I just found out I am 7 weeks and boy do they get big!

    P.S. Don't let people commenting anonymously bother you - obviously they are cowards that won't stand behind their words.

  9. Hi Morvy!

    Hmmm you make an interesting point. Big boobs and a cute baby as a result of it. Food for thought! Might save Big K the $5,000 he'll need to pony up for the hooters.

    Congrads on the pregnacy! Hope things are going well with you. Make sure you give some updates now and then.

    I'm not worried about the negative vibes. Life's too short!

  10. Morvy,

    The big boobs thing is true. But beware, they deflate once the breastfeeding is done. My wife went from a B cup to a D cup and life was good. Now she's pretty much back to normal or maybe even slightly smaller than before.

    Good luck on the pregnancy. It's quite a ride!

  11. Okay, my first time here and this was one of the posts suggested so I'm commenting.

    It is true that your breasts are huge while you're pregnant, but then they deflate and are sometimes left looking like tube socks with marbles at the bottom. Thus the reason I racked up my credit card to get me some new ones a few years ago.

    If it's something you're going to do, just make sure you find a doctor that specializes in them and doesn't just do them on occasion. Makes a big difference as I've learned from experience...hmm, I think I have a future post on this topic.

    On to

  12. For some reason I never read this post. I have to say, $5000 for fake tata's is waaaaay cheaper than having a baby, and way lesspainf ul I would imagine. I love my son, but I certainly wouldn't do it again for larger fun bags. I went from a small A cup pre-pregnancy, to a full B after. Now they have ballooned into fabulously full C's! I don't know what happened (maybe some extra meat on my bones), but I'm good if they stop now!