What women hasn't wished that some part of her body was different-better-smaller-larger-thinner-thicker-wider-shorter-taller etc. Even the most self-actualize look in the mirror and wish some tiny part was slightly altered.
I am no exception. I want bigger boobs.
I have wanted breasts from the time I was 10 years old. When all the girls were out buying training bras, I was just waiting for something to happen. Everyday I would stand sideways in the mirror and look for the tiniest bit of improvement. Actually, I do that now. Nothing...still!!! I did the "I'm must increase my bust" exercises so gracefully described in Judy Blumes "Are You There God, it's Me Margaret" and I ate lots of bananas because one of my friends had told me they would make me "huge". Nothing worked.
In high school I stuffed my bra with anything I could find, socks, cotton balls, shoulder pads....if it was round, it was going in there. I even duct taped them together during the prom to attempt some cleavage.....the next morning was not pleasant. Duct tape does not remove with the greatest of ease. It took a month before all the adhesive was off and I regained any feeling in the nipple area.
Finally, Victoria Secret took pity on all of us who are Ta Ta challenged and created the Miracle Bra.
I did not look like those women in the commercials and I felt like I had water bags sitting on my chest. Since then I have tried the all of the "push up" bras on the market.
I finally bought the fake inserts....you know, the things that look like chicken breasts....and stuffed those in there. I went up a cup size, I had some cleavage....and one of those things fell out the first time I bent over to pick up something. It's tough to explain why a sack of silicon fell out of your shirt to a clerk at the grocery store. I just picked it up and stuffed it back in. I have no shame.
I need more than a Miracle. If I took all the money that I've spent purchasing bras to fake my rack I could have used that money to get a fake rack. I got refitted and remeasured at Lady Grace one day and found out that I had gone down a size. How is that possible? This is not an area you wish to reduce. I celebrated with a monster burrito and a gallon of margaritas while crying to my mother that I had no sex appeal and I was going to get really fat so I could have boobs.
I don't want to go all Pamela Anderson. Just something tasteful that allows me to fill out the top of a bathing suit without looking like I have the chest of a teenage boy.
I have been desiring the fakes for at least 15 years now, since I was 16 years old. I've got a doctor to do it, I'm ready to go. Every year, I ask Big K for them as a Christmas present. Every year he laughs, says that would be fun but buys me something else.
As we were watching the golf match on Sunday, I made a comment about another women's fabulous rack and stated that I really wanted ones just like her.
Big K glanced over and said "Well, if we're going to get them for you, you're going to have to wear all sorts of crazy outfits so I can see them all the time"
Huh? He is seriously considering this? I wanted to jump up and do handsprings all over the green while screaming, "I'm getting bigger boobs!" But, I didn't. I kept it all inside. No one gets bigger boobs in jail. And I'm sure that Sergio Garcia, Mike Weir and Ernie Els aren't interested in my quest for larger knockers.
I told Big K that I will parade around the house topless everyday if he makes good on his statement. I will wear pasties, tube tops and string bikinis. Hell, I'd wear those to work I would be so excited.
Christmas is in 118 days. Hopefully Santa will put some C-cups in my stocking.