Friday, September 19, 2008

Hung'd Ova and Sneezing

I am suffering from the mother of all hangovers combined with the worst seasonal allergies on record.

Due to my extreme lack of social life, I treat business functions like a night on the town. (God, I am truly pathetic!) This one was particularly awesome because it was held in a state of the art airplane hanger. Very James Bond. It was suppose to be a networking event, but we treated it like an all you can drink with a $10.00 cover charge. There was beer booth, a whisky booth and some kinda rum booth that didn't require your presence because the nice waitresses were making rounds. There was tons of food from every restaurant in the area. Gourmet food booths were aplenty, but I was so busy chatting that all I sampled was the frosting off a cupcake. I'm sure I looked very odd. Beer in one hand, chocolate cupcake in the other. Time flew by and suddenly, they were closing up shop.

There I was, empty stomach, lots o'booze. What to do? The answer is very hit another bar.

We traveled to a popular hangout and continued to drink. Still no food. I had switch to cranberry and soda by this time. I have a excellent early warning system that goes off when I start getting too deep in the cups. My cheeks start to fall asleep. I don't know if it's the alcohol making a pit stop on the way to my brain or what. But, I start to get the same feeling you get when the dentist gets a little free handed with the Novocaine. It's a good system and it helps to know I have the ability to stop myself before you suddenly realize, "Oh fuck, I'm too drunk to drive home" thus having to make the shamefully call home to the spouse and plead for a pick up.

But, I'm not as young as I once was and I am very out of shape when it comes to heavy drinking. Needless to say, it's probably very possible that my head is going to explode all over my desk very shortly. The enormous headache combined with monstrous sinus pressure is making me want to shoot myself. I have the smell of beer oozing from my pores and I'm getting cold sweats every 15 minutes or so. I look like something you would pull out of your shower drain and probably smell like it too. I'm afraid to take some allergy medication because I'm pretty sure there is still a decent level of alcohol in my system and the combination will make me an incoherent, drooling sloth.

I am also in the middle of doing damage control. Apparently I had itchy fingers last night and made a few phone calls. Also, my texting inbox and sent box are both empty. Uh Oh! I always have messages hanging out in there. What did I delete?

I am nixing the healthy eating today and treating myself to a massive BLT with french fries. There is no possible way I could feel any worse.


  1. Am I in your phone? Drunk dialing is one of my favorite things on this here planet, and I demand to be on your drunk dialing agenda someday.

    And if you're lucky, your phone may one day be blessed with my drunken voice on the other end. I don't want to get you too excited, but one time I left an entire song on my friend's voicemail. It was called "I Wanna Pee On You" and it was fantastic. Nice melody, catch lyrics, solid refrain. No joke.

    I also stole my brother's phone once and called a random girl in the phone and pretended to be my brother. I told the girl that I had a secret crush on her all through college. Turns out she liked my brother! He said it was a little awkward the next time they saw each other.

    Oh, and my wife wants to know what you're doing tomorrow.

  2. I haven't drunk dialed in a very long time. It is not a good look for me.

    You will have to sing that song for me someday. I smell a Top 40 hit!

    I will happily call you tomorrow night when I'm out and about with your wife. I have a camera phone too!!!!

  3. Ah, alchohol. I wish I could sympathize, but I've never been drunk.

  4. Badass: You are a better man than I. I don't drink very often, but I can tie one on with the best of them. The drinking part is fun, it's the next day that sucks!

  5. I wish I could pretend that I have no idea what you are talking about, but I know you pain all too well.

    Thankfully, I'm not much of a drunk dialer on my phone, but I have done the Aaron trick and drunk dialed on my friend's phone.

    Her husband was not pleased, and she got in trouble. His theory was that if I was that drunk that his wife had to be way more drunk. Of course, he was right.

    Feel better. At least tomorrow you will only wake up with allergies.

  6. Lola: Yes, I feel much better today, but I have to drink again tonight! I plan to eat this time!!
    Allergies are worse today! ARGGGH!