Thursday, September 25, 2008

Relative Views

Once upon a time long, long ago there was a blog that made silly comments and detailed the daily life of an office slave. She toiled away at this blog and in it's infancy sent the link out to all her relatives so that they too could enjoy her daily jabs at coworkers and such.

Then, an evil being threatened to reveal the identity of the slave and she could blog no more.

But, she prevailed and changed her blog to reflect subjects not fit for most of mankind. Things that she knew people thought about, wondered about and secretly wanted to talk about. Soon, many new readers emerged and her voice was being carried far and wide.

She was elated, she was really getting out there....she forgot to tell her grandmother to stop reading her blog!

This was in my inbox the other day:

***** - I've been going to answer your blog and tell you that I am not too happy with you. You are not getting paid to write for Cosmo! What does TH think of you telling the world your private life? - Grammy

OH . MY . GOD! My grandmother is still reading my blog!

She knows everything.....onmyfuckinggod...... EVERYTHING! She knows I like it rough, she knows I have a huge porn collection, she knows that I am a sex toy shopaholic, she knows I'm giving sex advise and....holyfuckingshit....she read the "Tooshie" post!!!

I've never been one to hide the fact that I'm a little bit of a freak. My grandmother knows this. I've fully disclosed the fact that I go for Brazilian bikini waxes and that I will hopefully be getting new set of hooters soon. (Please, TH!) In fact, I believe she has multiple sets of photos of me at family functions, stuffing balloons down the front of my shirt to display the size that I want.

She also email this photo on the same day as the message:

She is "not to happy with me"? This from a woman who once sent me an email of a man playing the piano with his penis and just sent me a photo of metal statues with hot dog weenies!

When my grandmother got a computer and discovered email, she and her friends became the biggest bunch of email pervs in cyber space. They send dirty jokes, dirty photos, dirty poems....stuff that is so creepy that I can't pass most of it on! How do I explain to my guy friends that it was my grandmother who sent me the icky photo of a woman in a bikini that hadn't waxed in years.

Sometimes, I'll forward her a funny picture or joke. When I give her a call later on in the week to say hi, I'll ask her if she thought it was funny.

"No, it was really inappropriate. Not very funny at all" she'd say.

Then I'll ask, " Did you forward it"


"Well, did you?"


"You did, didn't you? I bet you sent it to all your friends"

This is the moment she changes the subject to something like work, cooking or some other relative news, all the while knowing that I know she sent it to all her friends, who then sent it to all their friends. There is a bunch of dirty old ladies out there forwarding porn and other nasty bits.

I'm convinced that this is where I received a bizarre genetic mutation that makes me so excepting of anything sexual. It skipped a generation because my mother is very prudish and pretends that her mother doesn't email porn-like forwards to her daughter.

So I leave you with a beautiful poem that she sent to me the other day:


It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

See, it's not my fault! It's genetic!!!!


  1. I've intentionally kept my blog secret from my family. I've written posts about the relative size of morning wood, and I would be mortified if my mother read that.

  2. I intentionally mortify my mother. It's kinda like a sport for me. But, there are a few things that I don't share with her and lots of the things I blog about are included. She doesn't read my blog just for that reason.

    I'm a pretty open book. My blog has become totally public in my office and one of my bosses actually reads it daily. For some strange reason that doesn't bother me. We've had some strange conversations while out at functions. All the guys are very cool.

  3. Wait, I think I missed something - the office knows!?! How did that happen? Please don't tell me that you were bullied/blackmailed into coming clean about the blog! Ohh, karma is a boomerang - and the bully will get his!

  4. Hey Morvey! I've missed ya! How's the belly doing? Getting bigger?

    No I wasn't bullied. I just decided to tell. There were a few people in the office reading already and it leaked out. Fine by me. One of my bosses thinks it's a scream! He already knows me pretty well so there isn't any surprises.

    Yes, everything comes back to you
    x3. I've always believed that!

  5. So your grandmother probably doesn't want to know how you confided in me about all the buttplugs, edible underwear and lesbian activity you've been engaged in recently? Or the fact that you and Big K are now swingers?

    For the record, our grandmothers would love each other. The first movie my grandmother took me to was Tango & Cash and we repeatedly watched "Animal House" together.

  6. DaddyFiles: Hey, that was all girl talk! You're in violation! LOL!

    Swinging = a big no thank you!

  7. Oh, I love grannies that get their freak on! My mother e-mails me the crazy granny porn, too, but she doesn't want to read my blog. I've told her she should, but she knows better!

  8. Good for your Grandmother! You know, we shy older folk can get embarassed easily...and if you believe that one...and no, I am NOT as old as your grandmother!

  9. Lola: I'm slowly breaking my mother in. I keep telling her I'm going to buy her a vibrator. Seriously, she's in her 50's and doesn't have one!

    Rachel: She totally is! I love her!

    Theoldguy: Honey, I have met your son...I have heard are not shy! LOL!