Monday, December 15, 2008

So This Is How You Found Me

As an admitted Google whore, I can say with utter certainty that I have Googled just about everything. My name (Did you know that I was a very famous black slave in the Civil War and also a model?), my exboyfriend's names, TH's exgirlfriend's name (I was disappointed that she wasn't doing midget porn or something equally as weird). I've Googled for aerial maps, street maps, naked pictures of celebs (sometimes I get bored while eating lunch) and to find the answer to a burning questions like "What would happen if you crossed at a pear with a banana." (Again, bored during lunch) If someone can't find the answer to a question my immediate response is "Why don't you Google it?" How in the world did we ever survive without it?

After reading Badass's and Lola's posts about their top search queries, I decided to check out mine. After all, I am the queen of inappropriate posts. One can only imagine what search could drive a visitor to my blog.

Porn Golf Ball Washer - And you guys think I'm twisted! This was a search from our friends over in the United Kingdom. Kat....What the hell is going on over there? This is a new kinda kink! And wouldn't that hurt????

Orgasm in a Cup - I used this phrase once to describe a good cup of coffee. Why would anyone search for that? There are better ways to achieve that feeling.

Secretary Spread - The new year is upon us and people are looking to lose the secretary spread. Maybe Club HASAY can help them. I know I can't. I ate a mountain of beef stew over mash potatoes last night. MMMMmmmmmm! With buttered hot rolls tooooooooooo!!!!!

Rough Maid - Someone from Indonesia is looking for a housekeeper with a side of spanking. I'm not sure how I can help them. I hate housework. Even if you paid me, I would still hate it and if you tried to spank me while doing it I would probably shoot you.

Professional Letter of Praise - Why in the world would this lead you to my site? My guys abuse me, not praise me! And they would never take the time to write it all down in a letter. Sometimes I can't even get them to email me stuff.
Caffeine Is Bad for Orgasms - I've never had a problem. I drink a zillion cups of coffee a week and manage just fine, thank you. This was paired with Caffeine Orgasms. I wonder how that would work? If someone knows, please tell me! I would be happy all day!
Cheeseburger Duel - Apparently someone from Italy was hungry and feisty at the same time. They must have been surprise when they stumbled upon little old me. How does this work? Is it and eating contest or something?
Beer Allergy Sneezing - This would be the worst allergy. Get this person some Claritin Clear, STAT!!!!!!
My fucking ex blog - I'm not sure what to say about this one. Obviously someone has some pent up rage.
Patricia Diamond - Girlfriend is a porn star! (I had to Google her to find this out. I didn't see my blog on the search list, though) My fans in Hungary are searching for her. Sorry guys!

Turtleneck flip flop - So, is this a new kinda shirt or a new kinda shoes?
Fattie Dominatrix - Hey, we've all got our fetishes. Someone was looking to be abused by a dominatrix who is on the large side. What ever turns you on. Roll in flour, find the wet spot?
Fat Ass Diamond - Is this different than a Big Ass Diamond? Is someone looking for a diamond that is larger on the bottom than the top? What type of cut would that be?
Taco Bell - Oh the little lady who was looking for directions to her nearest Taco Bell might have stumbled upon my site. Do you think she was as horrified as Casey to find out that I've never been there?

Women "crotch watching" - Someone else is out there looking for camel toes too!

Most of the other search queries were too disgusting for me to post. All this proves it that I'm not the only one out there with a dirty mind! But, some of you are down right twisted! Happy Monday!


  1. Mmmmmmmmm, beef stew! I'm always amazed by some of the google searches that lead to me. People have gotten there by searching for "GermX As Lube", and at least once a week someone gets there by searching "how to pee in a full body cast". Classy.

  2. You wouldn't believe how many different variations of diapers, oily gas, crapping ones pants, anal leakage, and so on that I get because I posted once about Alli.

  3. I found you through someone else's blog. Sorry, no wild exciting story there.
    But I love your blog and I'll be back!

  4. I love looking at searches. Except when the ones that lead to my site include "daddy bottom fingers," "daddy vomit balls nuts" and "pooping pants on purpose."

    There are some creepy ass people out there. We can smell our own.

  5. You have just inspired me to go look at what google pervs have found my place...oh lovely..I got a "shitting the bed at night"

  6. Casey: The beef stew as awesome. I'm trying not to eat all the leftovers. OINK OINK!!! I wonder, how would one pee in a full body cast.

    Heather: People must think your blog is quite gassy!

    That damn expat: Whew! I'm glad people are finding me through legal methods. Thanks for the compliment

    Daddyfiles: Some of mine were absolutely disgusting. Why would you poop your pants on purpose? Maybe to get out of speeding ticket?

    Kat: That IS lovely. People are wacked!

  7. Lover, I was fantasizing about beef stew the last few days, and now you've got me all worked up. Bitch!

    Great list! Search words are hysterical.

  8. Lola: On Sunday morning I woke up with a craving and pulled out the crock pot! I had a 1/4 bottle of this yummy merlot that I added to it and then served the whole thing over mash potatoes. It was heaven!

  9. I think that a Porn Golf Ball Washer would be a great Christmas gift.

  10. Badass: Damnit! That is what I got you! How did you guess?