Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Where's My Guidebook?

When you are born, your parents are there to tell you what's right or wrong, good or bad, and in my case to ground me every chance they got. They were there to make most decisions for you. But, now that you're an adult, what are you suppose to do when you need to make a decision or need some guidance? Yes, that's right....you have to make all those on your own. I think that as you graduate high school they should hand you a guide book along with your diploma. A guidebook entitled: "This Is What You Should Do If....."

I'm so tired of trying to figure out what to do. Why isn't there a Google like search engine that you can type in a query and magically the solution will appear. Everyone else thinks that they have the answers. But, what if you're lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and thinking "What if.....What do I do.......How can I fix this.......?" Where is my guidebook? I'm not talking about the silly "Life's Little Instructions Book." H. Jackson Brown Jr. may take the lemons life brought him and whip up some lemonade. But, what if life has brought me a huge crate of fucking watermelons? Should I inject them with vodka, let sit overnight and begin munching in the morning? How does that help my troubles? Now, I'm drunk, I have a stomach ache and with that much watermelon and vodka in my system, intestinal distress can't be far behind. Jackson, why can't you write a book like "Life's Little Instruction Book On How To Tell Your Husband That He Needs To Take Better Care Of Himself Because You're Afraid He's Going To Have A Heart Attack Because He Stresses Himself Out and Eats Poorly." See if you can pen that up in time for Christmas.

Or there's that "Chicken Soup for the Whatever". These books are precious but not much help. I need one titled "Chicken Soup for the Problems You Have With Your Asshole Brother That Are Making You Not Want To Go To Your Grandmothers For Christmas And Now She Is Royally Pissed At You" They haven't come up with that one yet. I looked. There are 6 Bowls of Chicken Soup For the Soul as well as 2 Cups. I wonder how long I'll wait for mine.

I'm fairly happy with life, but apparently, I should be happier. "Climb your Stairway to Heaven:
the 9 habits of maximum happiness"
David Leonhardt thinks that in 9 steps I could be happier. How about the "9 Steps To Figuring Out Why You Really Don't Feel Like Getting A Flipping Xmas Tree This Year And Would Like Everyone To Stop Bugging You About It" I'm sorry, David....you need to speak up on that one.

Marci Shimoff thinks that I should be "Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out" Why would anyone want to be happy for no reason? If I'm happy, I want to know why and how come. This way, I can do it again. She isn't very helpful, is she? Marci, if I was happy for no reason do you think I would be bitching right now? How about this one: "7 Steps To Being Happy That Your Father-in-Law Judges Peoples Worth By Their College Degrees And You Only Have An Associates Degree That You Aren't Using"

There are self-help books, people giving advice, people telling you to "Look within yourself for the answer" That phrase pisses me off. If I knew the answer, it would be in me. I don't need to stick a camera up my ass and poke around for it. I would know if it was there. It's exhausting. There are guidebooks for marriage, but none that tell you how to tweak the little things. All of the books are written to save the marriage that is about to implode or the one that has already failed. There should be a book titled "Your Marriage is Perfect Except For One Tiny Thing That Is Driving You Up A Wall and We're Gonna Tell You How To Fix It" I have looked all over Barnes & Nobles and search Amazon daily. There is no book like that.

Why don't these authors write about something that I can use? There's lots of love and sunshine out there to spout off on. But, I've got some big ones here. Get typing.


  1. Girl, stop stressing about everything so much! I know it's easier said than done, trust me. I battled with depression because of things like that.
    Who cares about a stupid Christmas tree? Who cares about what father in law thinks?
    Just. Stop. Stressing.
    And teach your husband to do the same. Then you won't have to worry about his health. Or your sanity.

  2. I think YOU should start typing, it would make you rich AND help people at the same time. Sounds nice, no?
    I don't feel like decorating for Xmas either, so I'm not. My mom about had a heart attack over that but oh well. My FIL is a sexist, racist POS who we stopped talking to when Elliot was born.
    You'll find the answers that work for you, you have to. And if you don't, I'd say hit up the watermelon but save me a slice. In fact, make two.

  3. Ok, some people read those books...

    Other people write them!

    You are definitely one of the writers. You don't let or want others to tell you how to solve your problems - you'll take care of them yourself, but you reserve the God-given right to bitch about them! As you should!

    I think you need to keep away from my son and daughter-in-law. All of you together could be very dangerous! :)

  4. I didn't want to decorate this year so I didn't. Told anyone who objected that it's not their house or their time, so tough.

    My father in law? I'm not thin enough or pretty enough. The fact that his own son is in love with me is beside the point.

    Do what YOU want to do. Feel how YOU want to feel. And tell everyone else to screw off.

    And while you're at it, write one of those books :)

  5. Yeah this is the most wonderful time of the year, ain't it? Maybe you and the hubs need a little more "couples time" away from everyone else.

  6. I know, girl, I know. It's a shitass time of year, and every little thing gets blown into a big thing. I've never once read a self-help book past the first chapter, because they are too annoying. I just make up my own handbooks as I go along.

    I've got the same problem with my husband, but the more you try to get them to take better care of themselves, the worse they get.

    I say get filling those watermelons and come on over and stare at my Christmas tree. Plus, the greatest diet trick on the planet is to eat lots of watermelon. Lose some water weight, and your mood will be improved in no time!

  7. I just need a guidebook on "How to move to a different country during the middle of the Holidays and not kill your children or husband" Does that one exist?

  8. That damn Expat: I don't know if it's stress as much as it's irritation.

    Casey: WOW! You wil on the FIL part! Yikes

    The Old Guy: I love your son and daughter in law! But I love Will the most!

    MadWoman: Thank you! I'm glad someone else likes to tell people to screw off!

    Heather: We get lots of "couples time". He just needs to take care of himself so I stop worrying!

    Lola: I'm on my way over. Shall I pick up some wine too?

    Kat: Honey, you are a saint! I don't know how you do it!

  9. Of course you should pick up some wine! We'll sing drunken Christmas carols all night long.

  10. Good post.

    I can especially relate to the part about your worries for Big K healthwise. MJ does the same thing to me. It's a little harsh, but the only thing that worked and got my ass into gear was when she told me she was becoming less physically attracted to me because of how much weight I gained. I know it sounds mean, but she knew it was the only thing she could say to me that would make a difference. It's funny that "I want you to live longer" didn't work, but "I'm not as attracted to physically anymore" worked like a charm.

    I promptly lost 30 lbs.