When you are born, your parents are there to tell you what's right or wrong, good or bad, and in my case to ground me every chance they got. They were there to make most decisions for you. But, now that you're an adult, what are you suppose to do when you need to make a decision or need some guidance? Yes, that's right....you have to make all those on your own. I think that as you graduate high school they should hand you a guide book along with your diploma. A guidebook entitled: "This Is What You Should Do If....."
I'm so tired of trying to figure out what to do. Why isn't there a Google like search engine that you can type in a query and magically the solution will appear. Everyone else thinks that they have the answers. But, what if you're lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and thinking "What if.....What do I do.......How can I fix this.......?" Where is my guidebook? I'm not talking about the silly "Life's Little Instructions Book." H. Jackson Brown Jr. may take the lemons life brought him and whip up some lemonade. But, what if life has brought me a huge crate of fucking watermelons? Should I inject them with vodka, let sit overnight and begin munching in the morning? How does that help my troubles? Now, I'm drunk, I have a stomach ache and with that much watermelon and vodka in my system, intestinal distress can't be far behind. Jackson, why can't you write a book like "Life's Little Instruction Book On How To Tell Your Husband That He Needs To Take Better Care Of Himself Because You're Afraid He's Going To Have A Heart Attack Because He Stresses Himself Out and Eats Poorly." See if you can pen that up in time for Christmas.
Or there's that "Chicken Soup for the Whatever". These books are precious but not much help. I need one titled "Chicken Soup for the Problems You Have With Your Asshole Brother That Are Making You Not Want To Go To Your Grandmothers For Christmas And Now She Is Royally Pissed At You" They haven't come up with that one yet. I looked. There are 6 Bowls of Chicken Soup For the Soul as well as 2 Cups. I wonder how long I'll wait for mine.
I'm fairly happy with life, but apparently, I should be happier. "Climb your Stairway to Heaven:
the 9 habits of maximum happiness" David Leonhardt thinks that in 9 steps I could be happier. How about the "9 Steps To Figuring Out Why You Really Don't Feel Like Getting A Flipping Xmas Tree This Year And Would Like Everyone To Stop Bugging You About It" I'm sorry, David....you need to speak up on that one.
Marci Shimoff thinks that I should be "Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out" Why would anyone want to be happy for no reason? If I'm happy, I want to know why and how come. This way, I can do it again. She isn't very helpful, is she? Marci, if I was happy for no reason do you think I would be bitching right now? How about this one: "7 Steps To Being Happy That Your Father-in-Law Judges Peoples Worth By Their College Degrees And You Only Have An Associates Degree That You Aren't Using"
There are self-help books, people giving advice, people telling you to "Look within yourself for the answer" That phrase pisses me off. If I knew the answer, it would be in me. I don't need to stick a camera up my ass and poke around for it. I would know if it was there. It's exhausting. There are guidebooks for marriage, but none that tell you how to tweak the little things. All of the books are written to save the marriage that is about to implode or the one that has already failed. There should be a book titled "Your Marriage is Perfect Except For One Tiny Thing That Is Driving You Up A Wall and We're Gonna Tell You How To Fix It" I have looked all over Barnes & Nobles and search Amazon daily. There is no book like that.
Why don't these authors write about something that I can use? There's lots of love and sunshine out there to spout off on. But, I've got some big ones here. Get typing.