Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Common Denominator

There comes a time in life when you have to wonder if a problem you're facing might be entirely your fault. For example, a woman complains that she can't find the right guy. She always blames him for the demise of the relationship, but never takes the time to realize, while she is dating different men, the relationship always ends the same way. The common denominator is her. SHE is the reason the relationships are due to fail. SHE is what needs changing, not the guy.

I've never had luck with female friends. Guy friends? Those I can't get rid of. Once I become friendly with a guy, it's usually for life. Women? I'm lucky if I get 3 months. It starts out like any relationship - the hour long phone calls, dinner and a movie, fun day trips. Then, it stops as abruptly as it started. Email and phone messages go unanswered, plans fall thru the cracks. This pattern has been happening for years. Sure there have been a few wackos sprinkled in there - those friendships that I chose to voluntarily expunge from my life because I really don't want to be friends with someone that licks whip cream off a married guys' balls. (true story) A guy who is married to someone else other than the friend. But once a year, I cautiously peer out from my tightly closed doors and try to make a friend - and I have been failing miserably at it.

I was watching "Bride Wars" Friday night as I waited for one of those phone messages that went unanswered regarding plans that fell thru. I smiled at the end as Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson made up and returned to being life long friends. Then, I turned off the TV and walked to the back door to let the dogs out for the final pee of the night. After I finished yelling, "Go Poop. Get Out There and Try Again", I stood in the doorway and was surprised as a single tear slid down my cheek. Usually, I'm use to this stage of the game as I stoically declare "whatever" and watch all the episodes of "Sex In The City" while eating deli slices of American cheese stuck between Wheat Thin crackers to make a sandwich. But, maybe I'm cracking in my old age. Maybe I'm just tired of it all.

Then it hit me like a load of lard. The problem had to be me. Of course! These women were all different - different ages, lifestyles, backgrounds. The only thing they had in common was me. I was the common denominator!

I came to this same conclusion a few years ago after another failed friendship. I asked TH what the hell was wrong with me. He told me I picked the wrong people to be friends with. There was nothing wrong with me. If anything, he said I cared too much. I'm the kind of person you call at 2 AM to come pick you up after if you've had just one too many shots - even if I've just met you the week before. Need a ride to the airport? I'm game. Got troubles? I've got two shoulders for you to cry on and the location of a restaurant that makes excellent margaritas. I will give you the shirt off my back as long as I'm wearing a bra underneath. If its a real emergency, I'll still give up the shirt even if I'm not wearing the bra. No one will look. My boobs aren't that great anyway.

Am I'm a friendship whore? Am I'm too easy? Am I giving away the goods before the second date? I have to wonder, is there such a thing as a being too friendly?

I have changed my tactics over the years. Just recently, I waited 5 months before making a "date". Over the course of those 5 months, I cautiously felt the person out, casually talked about this and that, always keeping things light. After I felt totally confident with the entire situation, I made concrete plans. The BAM! Just like block of concrete, they sank heavily in to oblivion.

My age and current status don't make things any easier. I'm 32 years old. Most women meet their lifelong friends in college or just after. Well, I went to college when I was 26. I was a relic to those girls in my classes. Most women my age have kids and associate with their "play date" friends. My lack of offspring makes me undesirable to those women. After 4 days of heavy thinking, I have only come up with one possible reason why I might suck in the friend department: I'm just too much for some people. I'm loud, brash, unflappable, unfailingly honest and have a low tolerance for bullshit. But at the same time, I am fiercely loyal, loving and compassionate. I am a powder keg. You must have a strong constitution and a strong stomach to be my friend.

I know what you're thinking.....I'm putting way to much thought into this. Like any good thing, I should just let it happen. Well, Fate is fucking me right now and she lacks finesse and lubrication.

Okay, I'm done whining. I'll talk about something sexy or disgusting or funny tomorrow. I'm just a little cranky, kinda lonely and a bit frustrated right now.


  1. Ahh, women are a pain to be friends with, no doubt! You're the second person to write about this issue this week, and I'll tell you what I told her: If we lived closer (which you and I do, since she's in Las Vegas), I'd be your friend for sure.

    I'm not the needy type and won't put up with the needy types, but I'm loyal as a very loyal dog, and I get over things in no time. Basically, my personality is much more like a guy's, so I'm easier to get along with than most women.

    I will not, however, shop with another woman, and I don't get manicures or pedicures or go to the gym. Oh, and I will NOT sit around and talk about female troubles, not for one second.

    My best friend is the exact same way. We are both forces to be reckoned with, but somehow we've made it 16 years with only one fight that lasted a week. You need to find someone that's just as fierce as you, my dear!

  2. Oh, you and The Boss would get along great. We'll have to meet up soon, you'll have a friend for life with her.

  3. man i simply cant type very well today either LOL

  4. (OOPS sorry I didnt realize I didnt check my spelling)
    if i lived near you i would so bug you to pieces. im like you in a lot of way . except i dont like to work out LOL. I did however work at a rich fitness center for 12 years.. GRINS does that count? I admit i dont have many women friends. I do have a awesome gay guy friend who is the bomb and he helps me out on so many things. he is the bestest! he understand me :)
    lots of hugs to you

  5. Did you read my last post? We should be friends. We'd do great. Apart from the lack of offspring, that could be me. I've been told I'm just too much. Enthusiasm is lost on some people.

  6. I feel like I've failed. I set you up with my wife and I know she really likes you, but then again she barely has time for me nevermind friends. And quite frankly, if the use of her free time is between sex for me or hanging out with you, I'm throwing you under the bus and opting for sex each and every time (and by that I mean once a month!).

    But I know what you mean. You are like a dude. That's why I enjoy hanging out with you. I can't be friends with prissy girly types, they're too much work. But hell, we've only hung out a handful of times yet I'd hit you up for favors like I would any of my close friends. And vice versa, I'd pretty much do whatever you and Big K needed done in a pinch. The cool thing about people like you (and me and the rest of my friends) is that after one meeting, we know if we like someone or not. If so then you're pretty much a family member and we'll be loyal to a fault. If not...well, go screw.

    So I'd say just accept that you have very few female friends. MJ has accepted the fact that she will always have male friends, and that's not a bad thing.

  7. I have girlfriend issues too and I don't know why but most girls are just boring to me - not you though - totally sucking up here

  8. Oh yeah. And you know why guy friends are so easy? Because they are like you and me. Honest and upfront. They can't do the whole hysterical drama thing, it just doesn't mesh with their DNA. I wish more women could do that!

  9. I have the same problem. For me it seems to be that most of the women I attempt to be friends with end up being incredibly high drama. It's like being back in the 10th grade and if you piss them off somehow, even in the minutest way, they'll give you the cold shoulder, talk about you behind your back etc etc.

    Me? You piss me off, I'll tell you. And the thing is, it takes a lot to piss me off. I'm like you - honest and loyal. I will stand up for my friends and always tell them the truth. Just before we left to move here, I had FINALLY found a couple of women who had the same mindset as I did. We talked about everything, we told each other when there was an issue (rare with these two!) and it was a very adult relationship.

    Now? I find myself alone as the women here treat me like a leper. Perhaps that will change once I find work.

    Your lack of offspring wouldn't phase me. I'd happily be your friend. You're welcome to come for a NZ beer anytime my dear! You seem like my kind of people :)

  10. I'm a failure at real life friend making as well. I get along much better with my bloggy buddies than I do people I actually have to socialize with.

  11. I know what you mean about having a hard time making friends with women. We are hard to get along with. Why? I couldn't say. I'd like to give you some advise but this is something I also struggle with. Maybe staying in touch virtually can build a foundation for new friends.

  12. Most of my friends are people I've met online and then have gone on to meet in person. I have two friends that are still around that I didn't meet online.

    I think times are just different. My mom was on the daytime bowling league. She had the girls over for coffee in the morning after the kids went to school. She had the housework and laundry done by the time we got home on Friday so that we could do things, often times with other families, during the weekend. Me? I work all day. I'm tired at night. I spend my weekends cleaning house and getting the laundry done. Yeah .. a lot of time there for friends.

    And just so you know, I count you as one of those online friends. <3

  13. Hello! You don't know me: I was intrigued by your name in the comments to another blog because I'm coming to Cape Cod in a couple of weeks.

    I'm like you in that I will get out of bed and drive across town in my nightshirt at 3AM if someone needs it. If you move house I turn up with boxes. I had a golden era of making female friends in my late 20s, when life was all about parties and not taking life seriously: my favourite women are the clever, funny ones who like to laugh at themselves and I'm lucky to know a handful of them.

    I never see them now, though. I'm 37 and so are they, or a few years younger, and as you all get older you don't need people to drive across town for you at 3AM. You don't have that kind of crisis any more. You hire a moving van when you move. Or you just don't move. Friends need each other less, have less time to see each other. The only time all mine get together is on huge ladies' nights, when a load of other women I don't know will be invited, and I don't want to go.

    I settle for quality over quantity these days: I'd rather have one good meetup with someone brilliant once every two months than a regular circle of boring women who live in the next street and make my brain hurt. I miss the silly old days, though. A lot.

  14. Dammit, CCG. You took a page right out my diary (the diary in my head, that is). I laid on my couch yesterday in tears because of the same issue. I feel like I always put everything out there for "friends" and get nothing in return. I'm so excited when I meet someone new because of a potential friendship and then it all implodes.

    Guys have always been better friends to me but I would so love to have girlfriends. I have a couple but sometimes I think they don't like being around me. We don't have kids either so I feel like an outcast.

    Take the other night for example...went to our friends' house, had dinner, good times. She wanted me to come over yesterday to hang at their pool. I send a text asking when she wants me to come over. No response. It's getting kinda old and it sucks that I'm the one left in tears.

    I wish we lived closer. I think we both know by now that we'd be forever friends.

  15. I dunno.. I think being friends with chicks just involves too much drama. I've only recently become friends with other women and the ones who I don't hit it off with get knocked from the list and I move on to cooler peeps.

  16. A friend led me to your blog, and have been reading ever since going back in time in your life I guess, laughing my ass off so much I have been in tears with what you have to say so thank you for that. As for Friends and females at that, I think it just is… I find that men are simpler, less complicated. Ok so not all men can go into that place of soul searching where women are more emotional biased the content of conversation varies. I don’t know… I guess this is because I find myself in your position I know of many people but labeling them as friend is few and far between. I don’t really think there are reasons for this not right or wrong, I do believe like attracts like and people come into our lives for reasons, seasons, lifetimes. So maybe I just haven’t found the life time friends, but I have found many that fit into reason or season each with there own lessons each there own experience and I try look at it like that rather then turning it on myself and feeling that I am lacking in something, coz lets face it… I am kinda cool and that is all that matters. And from what I can see you kinda cool too!