Tuesday, August 25, 2009

RRT - Dead Bodies, My Twins, Loud Farts and a Sweat Mustache

Am I the only one worried they haven't buried Michael Jackson yet? It's been like a month already. It's not like he's gonna stay fresh or anything.

I really need to stop being a VinDiesel fan on Facebook. Every time one of his assistants posts something for him, I think he's talking just to me. Once reality hits, it's such a slap in the face. I am so pathetic.

There are somethings in our relationship that TH and I just don't share. For me, it's farting. I have never just rip in front of him. Sure, the accidental ones slip thru and I do the cough thing and change the subject. But lately, TH has been making up for lost time. And when he farts, he likes to blame it on the dog. I told him, there is no way in hell he could get that by me (except for the silent but deadly ones. Those are hard to place). He's a big guy, therefore, LOUD farts. Seriously, lovers. He has woken me up from a dead sleep. I thought we were in the middle of a thunderstorm. I told him if those farts were from the dog, the it would have exploded upon execution.

The other day, a guy was stumbling across my office parking lot drinking a beer. (Before you think, "Hey, that's happens in my city all the time", you need to realize that this is Cape Cod. That doesn't happen here, EVER). Fancy Pants and I were staring my office window at him, when he stopped, bent over and puked right in front of the window. Apparently, he'd just had spaghetti a few hours before.

My mother has decided I'm going to have twins. She's even named them for me: Gwendolyn Helen and Charlotte Eva. I wonder if she would like to carry them for me and pay for their college education as well. I swear, every time I turn around the woman has me knocked up. Just a few months ago, she would pale at the thought of being a grandmother. Suddenly, she's decided it would be fun and is making up for lost time with excess badgering.

The summer is almost over and TH finally installed the air conditioners last Thursday. Now, we can enjoy them for a whole 3 weeks until we have to take them out for the fall. The only way TH can sleep comfortably is for the temperature to hover around 59 degrees. I'm back to wearing flannel pj's to bed. The complaint that my bedroom attire is "less than sexy" should come within the next few days.

Speaking of fall, I'm ready. Between the excessive rain and unbearable humidity, I'm done with summer. I'm tired of walking out the door and getting a sweat mustache before I even get to my car. My hair has been unmanageable and I am tired of doing the sniff test of my armpits after only 5 hours. This weather challenges the most powerful of deodorants.


  1. You are the most talented rambler of your life of any blog I know. I can't wait to read your rantings and find you adorable.

  2. Captain blames his farts on the dog also. He'll fart so loud, I look over and glare at him, and he merely points to the dog. He's even blamed the dog when he's not even in the house. Nice.

    Fall is one thing I miss about living in KY...that state has some of the most beautiful seasons I've ever seen.

  3. Nothing is worse than a sweatstache. I rarely even wear makeup in the summer because of that exact thing. If you wipe it, then you have a streaky lip all day. Grrr. And I switched to Secret Clinical strength a year or so ago, and I can't switch back or I reek.

  4. I am as worried as you that MJ hasn't been buried yet. I'm waiting to see if they take him on "tour" like they did James Brown.

    My hubby loves to say "Oops, squashed another frog" when he farts. I swear to God, I will NEVER understand men.

  5. Can you imagine the mould-stache that's growing on MJ? Never mind your sweatstache, that boy has issues now!

    Hotty Hubby has never blamed his farts on the pets, but he has roped the kids into farting competitions. At the dinner table. Daily.

  6. I can't believe you JUST got AC. We'd die without it.

    When we were drinking on our honeymoon, Jamie dared me to fart. That was it, the genie was out of the bottle and now there's not putting it back in.

  7. I can't imagine a drunk in Cape Cod. I almost hit a guy crossing the freeway about 2 months ago. The idiot had to have been drunk.

    I wondered what to call that layer or sweat on my lip except disgusting. Sweatstache. perfect.

  8. Farts are funny for men, and that will never change, regardless of how old we get. And I'm with you on summer. I just want all the mosquitos to die.

  9. Continue to keep Vin Diesel as your facebook friend! I get super excited anytime I get a twitter text from Britney Spears. Don't judge...