Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Move Over Botox

We all want to be younger, tighter, less wrinkled, less hairy, taller, thinner, shorter, curvier - I could go on forever. We color our hair, wax our netherregions, shave, pluck, bleach, pick, stretch, stuff, polish and buff. Still, we strive for perfection (Damn you, Pamela Anderson) Listing all the items that I'd like to change about myself would require a large pitcher of margaritas, a nervous breakdown and a computer with 2 terabytes more of memory than I've got. I'm always looking for the next best thing. Too poor and too chicken to invest (yes, I said invest. Beauty is an investment) in plastic surgery, I try all the creams, oils and potions that the drug store can supply me with. I spend hours at the gym to hold off the signs of aging. I refuse to give in gracefully.

My desire for perfection has never gone down south. Sure, I keep my Ladybits tidy, but I figure, what you see is what you get. Short of doing my Kegels, nothings gonna change down there. I have no desire to travel the path of porn stars -tweaking and nipping. No surgeon is going near my WooHa unless he plans to use his tongue as a scalpel.

So, I'm surfing the web the other night - maybe checking out some porn, when I came across the latest trend to reverse the signs of aging: Anal Bleaching Cream.

I kid you not.

For all of you who have struggled for years with the agony of an aging butthole, I give you Butt Bleach. Now, you too, can have that perky, cheeky anus of your youth. Dead God....what will they think of next? Just because they did it on Dr. 90210 doesn't mean you should try it in your bathroom while shaving your legs.

First of all, it's bleach. BLEACH!!! Obviously, it's not the same as the Clorox you dump on your sweaty gym socks. But, it's a chemical all the same. Do you really want to put that in one of your special places? Second, how does a butthole look "old"? When I think about that general area, I'm more inclined to obsess about cellulite, zits or hemorrhoids. Those are the things that the general public may view when I'm sashaying around in a bathing suit. There are only two people.....well, ok...three if you count the Box Doctor......okay....wait...four counting the Wax Nazi.....yup....that's it. Let me start again. There are only four people on the planet that have the luxury of viewing my back end in all its glory. One is in it for health purposes. The Second is in it for torture and hair removal purpose. (Believe me, she would have told me if there was anything wrong in that area. She's not one to keep quiet.) The Third is me and I'm all set. The Fourth has no complaints and is just fine with it. (That's TH if you were keeping score).

If you're not satisfied with bleaching just your hole, this product can be used on you WooHa and nipples. Never be satisfied with destroying one sensitive part of your body. Nuke 'em all!

I will not be trying this. I'm fine with my bum, thankyouverymuch.

P.S. While researching this post I read more about gay sex than I ever had before. I am now, sadly, an expert. I tried to stop reading, but couldn't peel my eyes from the monitor.


  1. LMFAO!!!!! I love it!!!!! I'll be pissing my pants laughing all day now!!! :D

  2. I went to the bathroom, spread my legs with a mirror between them, looked at my asshole but for the life of me couldn't find anything there that I thought needed bleaching.

  3. Personally, I just Photoshop my asshole to a pretty pale pink after the photoshoots ;)