Me. That's right....me. I won the Fat Ass Award at the Marstons Mills Four Miler this past Saturday.
Let me first start out with saying - I never win anything. N-E-V-E-R! I don't win on scratch tickets, random drawings or board games. Do not pick me for you team in dodgeball. We won't win. Even if we're close to winning, something extraordinary will happen in the last 5 seconds that brings us back to second place. It's inevitable. I do not carry the winning luck.
Every single stinking race I enter, I try hard to win in my age group (30-34). But, it's not gonna happen. It seems to be the most popular age group for extreme runners. The winning girl usually has a body built like a swimsuit model and has kicked my sorry ass by at least 10 minutes timewise. I never bother to hang around after each race to hear the awards. My name will not be called and I don't really know many people in the race. I'm usually in my car and out of the parking lot before the last runner hits the finish line. But, this past weekend, I hung around afterwards. I was chatting it up with a fellow runner and gobbling up watermelon like my life depended on it. I was a bit wary of getting in my car just yet. I had forgotten to hit the bathroom before the race started and halfway through the 2 mile I'd almost peed my pants. Upon hitting the finish line, the control over my bladder came to a screeching halt and I might have tinkled a little bit. I did manage to get to the ladies room before the dam burst. The women at the scoring table must have thought I was going to hurl. Puking is a part of racing. I've learned never to be surprised to see a pile of vomit just over the finish line. Sometimes I have to leap over it. It happens. Some hurl, some shit their pants, some sprinkle in their pants. I'm happy to be a sprinkler. A little pee never hurt anyone.
But enough about my wet pants. On to my award...
Other than the obvious first place award and the age group categories, there are two awards often handed out. The Athena Champion and the Clydesdale Champion. These are weight class categories. The Athena is for women weighing over 150 pounds and the Clydesdale is for men weighing over 200 pounds. Please don't ask me what this has to do with running. My only thought is real runners (the ones who weigh next to nothing) probably think people who weigh the normal amount a person should weigh, can't run a decent race. People like me. I weigh 168 pounds. I am a solid mass of muscle and bone. Sure, I could lose 10 pounds and I would be ready for some photo shoots that don't involve women who have boobs. But any more and I would look like a bobble head doll.
I may be a Fat Ass but I've got a trophy, bitch!