Tuesday, September 8, 2009

RTT - Kegels, Swans, & Ass Smacking Affection

There needs to be a separate line for people who buy lottery and scratch tickets. I'm late for work but I'm trying to buy a friggin' container of cream for the office and they're itching their ass at the front counter while saying "Okay...I'll have a number five, two number tens and a quick pick.....no, not that one....the one with the picture of the alligator on it....oh, wait....I have another dollar....gimme one of those tickets with the Red Sox logo. That otta be a winna." More often than not, these people look like they should be spending their money on clean clothes and not the State lottery.

Ben & Jerry's makes an orgasmic oatmeal cookie ice cream. I bought a pint and successfully mined out all the pieces of cookie. Now, we just have a pint of vanilla ice cream.

I get really excited when I see swans. I know that they are nasty creatures, but I always get a thrill from catching a peek of one on a pond or in the reeds. I think it's the kid in me.

People who wear golf shoes to a golf match they are not participating in are stupid. TH and I went to the Deutsche Bank TPC tournament on Sunday. What a snooty bunch of snots! But, I got to wear plaid capris and I tied a sweater around my shoulders. I felt like I was on the set of Caddyshack. TH and I were acting like the perfect proper couple until he decided to start smacking my ass every chance he got. I had complained he didn't show me enough affection in public. The ass-smacking was his answer. Oh well, beggers can't be choosy.

Have you ever noticed old people never look both ways before they pull out into traffic? They just shut their eyes, gun the motor and plow through the intersection.

The other day, I gave Fancy Pants a sly little smile as he walked into my office. When he asked why I was smiling, I told him I was doing my Kegels. He told me that information was inappropriate and that particular activity was for private time. I was disappointed he wasn't shocked. The poor boy has become numb to my antics. And why wouldn't I do my Kegels at the office?

I became an Aunt for the second time this past week. Bring on the "When are you guys gonna have a baby" pressure. I'm ready for it.
For all of you how emailed me about my biopsy results: I got the answer this morning. Everything is fine and my boobs are still too small. Okay, I added that last part. The doctor didn't say anything about the size of my boobs. I was just taking this opportunity to complain about it again.

iPod Shuffle of the Day.
1. Chrome Plated Heart - Mellissa Etheridge
2. Jump - Madonna
3. You Know You Want Me - Pitbull
4. Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson
5. Burn it to the Ground - Nickleback
6. Abracadabra - Steve Miller Band
7. Sound of Madness - Shinedown.
8. Conga - Gloria Estefan
9. Disco Lies - Moby
10. The Fixer - Pearl Jam

That's a Random Wrap, lovers


  1. Glad your tests came back OK. Kegel exercises in the office are good but probably better not shared. Some people have no sense of humor.

  2. I'm always left with a pile of nuts at the end of a tub of Chunkey Monkey. They just don't go with the rest.

    Yay for Kegels and good biopsy results!

  3. So when are you guys gonna have a baby?

    Haha, I'm kidding. Babies do make your boobs bigger though. Just sayin.

  4. I'm so glad to hear that the results were negative. And just because you have a degree doesn't mean your smart. Or that's what I keep telling my boys.

  5. Yay for healthy boobs. And vomit smell. Ugh. I always look both ways before I pull out but I have precious cargo. Speaking of precious cargo, when are YOU going to pop out a kid?

  6. Old people have fuck loads of insurance and don't give a shit. Plus, they can always play the 'old' card.

  7. Kegel exercises freak me out. But on the other hand, if done correctly there's a "milking the cow" effect during sex that is much appreciated!

  8. "He told me that information was inappropriate and that particular activity was for private time."

    LOL! Lol! Lol! I'm dying over here!

  9. Having a kid does make your titties bigger, as long as you don't nurse the kid until he can pour his own milk out of a carton, so what's the holdup?

    So glad your tests came back clean, and thanks for reminding me to squeeze my box!!!!

  10. fyi - Girl Talk is the best running music every, give it try!